I'm not sure how much longer I can dance

[Astarielle]

I'm a bit of an enigma, even to myself. But perhaps we best start at the beginning...I'm 21 years old, raised in a Mormon house, home-schooled off and on since fourth grade roughly, and most of my social life is online. I'm going to try and keep things purely as fact and not speculate for this post.

I suppose the real stuff began four years ago. It was then I first took on the mantle of a female poster on a web forum. I'm not sure what my intention was. It wasn't to deceive, nor to pretend to be something that I wasn't. I simply did it, and didn't consider why. All the while, I never really felt the attraction to hentai or porn that many of my peers had; it simply didn't work for me. I grew up a silent child, both online and in life. I lived in DC, but the entire time, I felt a weight pressing down on me, and eventually parted with my family and moved to Logan, Utah, near to my grandmother. I spent a good amount of this time on World of Warcraft, playing a Blood Elf Paladin. I eventually moved on to creating a few other characters, and it wasn't long after that I created my first female toon. For some reason, my intention to deceive was much greater; I felt I had to convince everyone I was a girl. At the same time, I didn't want to trick people, and usually revealed I was a male IRL if anyone talked with me for any length of time.

I set aside WoW for awhile, now taking a lot of my time on 4chan. I remained Anonymous for some time, but eventually took on the name Creepy Loli. About the same time, I wandered into a new chatroom, using the name "BanKai" There was a discussion at length, over several days, and eventually someone suggested a possibility I may be more comfortable in a female role than the male one I had been given at birth. I took it into consideration, and it didn't seem like such a far fetched possibility. It was my confusion at this that lead to this post on 4chan:

"    Can you give me a moment to be selfish, /adv/? I may tl;dr you.

    Okay, so...I've not felt like everyone else since I was a child. To be honest, I was shunned by everyone the entire time I was in school, until 4th grade when we moved and I started being Homeschooled. I don't feel resentful to people, on the contrary, I go out of my way to help people in need.

    Recently, because of things that have acted on me, I'm thinking I'm a MtF transgender. I've been told I'm kinda girly, and someone I used work with joked "You can't hit [name], he's a girl". Honestly, being referred to as a girl makes me happy.

    But my parents are Mormon and already think I'm strange. If I said anything like this to them...well, I live with them while I'm going to school, and I think that would make it harder. I'm not really sure what to do. Also, I'm still not attracted to males, is that normal?

"

And from that point, it's been kind of a dance, that's gone into a duality. Online, I tend to default to my normal reactions, and strongly imply I'm a girl. IRL, at work and school for example, I just do my work and keep to myself. Some days the feeling is strong, and others, it's passive. I'm not sure what to do, and honestly, I'm a little afraid to try and find a therapist, partly money issues, partly fear that I could be wandering into a place where I don't belong unwittingly.

I want to belong.

So I've been at this for about a year. Currently my plan is to go to Otakon 2011 as a female character and see how that works out for me. I just wish I could settle into one camp or the other. It's not that I'm super attached to being male, I just don't want to make the mistake of going someplace where I wouldn't be happy.

[erocse]

  Wow, that is a lot to consider . I am new here so I won't try to give any advise or suggest  that  I know anything more then you. I can however tell you, you are not alone. I think in many ways we all at times have to dance the "dance of duality". I too was raised in a religious household. I fact I myself  was for a time a ordained minister. My brother and his family are  Mormon as well. They're the ones you see most often on the street corner with signs opposing same sex marriages . They all look at me oddly as well. If or when I decide to come out to them . That will be a time of great separation in our family.

    We make decision each day, both conscience  and unconsciously  that effect our future and who we are to be. The place we end up is no "mistake".  Go with your  gut, be happy with your decisions and most importantly  be happy with yourself.

    Remember,  "In a world where you can be anything you want to be, be yourself".

Erocse

[K8]

I have a friend who is a recovering Mormon.  He told me that the LDS church accepts transpeople even though they don't accept gay/lesbians.  He's the only one I've heard this from, so I don't know.

Sexual attraciton and gender identity are two different things.  You can be tans and a lesbian, or once the hormones hit you can start being attracted to men.  (That's what happened to me.)

This is very difficult to solve just in your head.  If you can, go to a support group or a gender counselor/therapist.  Many of us weren't sure in the beginning but edged into it and gradually found out we are TS.  Others start edging in and find out they aren't.  IRL friends help.  IRL counselors and support people help.  You can find them.

Discovering who we are can be difficult, especially for those of us with gender issues.  Good luck.

- Kate