The next steps

[xander]

Hey guys,
new here..

I'm wondering where to take things from here.. I'm pre T.. I have a girlfriend and I'm only out to her and one other friend. a trans girl.

I'm wondering how I tell my girl that I want her to start calling me by my male name, and how I approach involving her in my transition process. (I have not spoken to a gender therapist yet, i'm too nervous)
I don't want her to feel like I'm taking away/forcing a new identity on her.
I don't want to push her away because I'm coming on too strong with my feelings/identity.
I really love her and it's hard to get anything out of her about what she's feeling.
She just says she doesn't know, she's never experienced this before and she's feeling 'selfish'.
She won't tell me any more than that.
I came out to her about 3-4 months ago, it's a very hard thing to talk about still, but I want to know where I stand.
If it's too much for her to deal with I want to know so that I'm not going to be completely crushed all at once.

[Cameron James]

Hey Xander! First off, welcome to Susan's! It's a great community!

While I haven't been in your exact situation, I'm currently working through issues similar to yours with my girlfriend. I came out to her as Androgyne/Transmasculine months ago, and she had a similar reaction to your girlfriend - the "I feel selfish" and then the not really wanting to talk about it.

What I found works well for me is to be open and honest. I knew it made her uncomfortable, so I told her that while I understood her uncomfortableness I wanted to know what was making her uncomfortable so I could put her mind at ease. Your girlfriend probably is wondering if/when you'll go on T, if you want top or bottom surgery, and ultimately if you're going to be the same person that you were when you started dating.

It took a while to get my girlfriend to really tell me how she felt, but for a while I just talked at her, rather than with her. That may be something to try, let her know that she doesn't have to talk about it with you, but you want to at least let her know how you feel. While transition is a personal process, our SOs are along for the ride, so talk to her about your concerns with transition and ease her into it. You may have to do a 10 step process - first get her used to a masculine name, then male pronouns, the idea of you binding, etc.

Let her know that you want her to start calling you by your chosen name and that she's important to you and you really want to involve her in your transition.

Honesty is the best policy with such feelings. Not to mention, in my experience, it's nice to have someone you can work your thoughts out with.

[xander]

Thanks.
I'll start trying to talk to her more about it.
I'm still finding it quite an awkward thing to talk about, even with her.
Guess it's just one of those things though.

I am very concerned about her though. I realise that this is an incredibly hard thing for her to deal with too.

[Cameron James]

It was awkward for me to talk about for a while too. I really wanted to be able to work it out on my own and then talk to my girl about it - but I found by doing that she felt like I was cutting myself off from her - so now I do my best to work it out with her.

Your concern for her is really great and the fact that you can acknowledge that it's hard for her too is awesome. Just don't let your concern for her stop you from doing what you need to do. ie. If she voices reservations about you taking T (if you want to take T that is), don't let it stop you from taking T - but instead educate her on what T does and the changes that you expect to see. The example can be applied to everything - reservations about using your male name and male pronouns, etc.

If/when you go to a gender therapist you may want to talk to them about it and see if you could even get your girlfriend in on a session - so she can understand your situation better.