.....This does not compute?

[JessicaR]

So I've been in transition for a little over 5 years... GRS coming up soon. It's had its moments but, for the most part, my overall experience started with tolerable and progressed to, well, pretty amazing at some points. I've lost people, found new friends and spent time with our community

   What's been bothering me is a particular reaction I've developed in response to certain situations that I don't quite understand.. I'm wondering if anyone else has experienced this... and that maybe it's typical for the end of transition.

   Tgirls are what my best friend likes to call, "Uber sensitive," about certain things. I know, for instance, that many of us feel like choking someone when we're referred to with the wrong prononuns and I'm no exception. The irony is that the ones who slip tend to be the ones who have known us longest and that's why it hurts most when it comes from them. I get pissed, take a deep breath, and point out the error... they apologize and that's the end of it.

  What causes an odd reaction, though, is when someone starts with the phrase, "When you were a guy...." it makes my thought process stop.... like the robot from Lost In Space, I get a "This does not compute," feeling and I'm temporarily unable to respond.. It's like my mind goes blank for a few seconds. It even happens, sometimes, when friends talk about other Transsexuals; I have a very dear Lesbian friend that I was talking to today; She was talking about a Transman that we saw walk by... She said, "So he's a man that used to be a woman?"  Whether it's about me or another Transperson, it's like someone's gender is being invalidated by saying that he/she USED TO BE something else. I know that it's not said with ill-intent and, in the cisgendered mind, we did "change" our genders, but lately, it really throws me for a loop! I'm not angry in that moment, or sad or disappointed, it's like my mind shuts down for a second like there's a short-circuit somewhere and I can't even speak. 

   Has this happened to anyone else? (And yes, I'm going to talk about it with my therapist.)  ;-P


 
 

[Janet_Girl]

The one that gets me is when they start asking if you have had your surgery yet?  Why is that any of their business?  I realize that they are wanting to learn but Geez  do they if you have had a tooth pulled? Or even when your last bowel movement was.

Sorry for being so graphic, but come on.

[Muffin]

I guess in similar ways. It's like some people love you and support you but they don't understand because it doesn't bother them. Like my mum who still expects my emotions to be that of who I used to present as? A guy? Even though I was always sensitive and huffy... "oh you're too sensitive... you just need to get over it" ..etc..etc. So other females are allowed to get upset about things but I'm not? It's like in the work place (I've heard of this but not experienced, still relevant) when a boss tells someone to lift something heavy yet you can't because you don't have the strength to any more and they are like "What you used to be able to do it?". It's a failure to understand or take note of details. Whether they mean well or not.
I always like to think that I haven't changed my gender per se but my sex (Well soon) and my gender roles, my gender has always been more female but people never saw it that well because of the guy suit, yet they still see the guy suit in some ways and that is annoying. I've tried explaining a few things to my mum but she doesn't understand, I can't figure out if she really doesn't or just doesn't want to know... it's confusing as I'll reiterate it right down to simple words :S Five years is a long time to be stuck in old thoughts. hhmmmm. Maybe there is a magic sentence they just need to hear... something without swear words and threats though

[Cruelladeville]

*Has this happened to anyone else?*

Oh yess and I recently had a run in with a 'nurse' that masculinised my name.....something that's not happened to me for years.... and boy did it get my ovarian antlers up.....

me thinks Jessica yous seems to be the deep thinking, soulful sensitive type.....

So sadly this is an affliction that no matter how well you complete the journey too your true self.... there will be times when your buttons still get pushed and pricked.....(no pun intended)

Thought provoking post.....(thanks)

[rejennyrated]

Trust me it feels just as odd when it happens the other way.

A lot my friends and relatives who knew me in childhood seem to have oddly and conveniently forgotten that I was ever anything else and they now talk about the past as though I was natally female. Like a cousin asking me why I never got pregnant and had a baby of my own! (yes unbelievable as it sounds she really did).

I then sometime have to decide whether or not to remind them that its not quite so simple as that. Yes I was allowed to grow up openly trans, but they all knew the facts, and yet some of them genuinely seem to have airbrushed those inconvenient little details out as they have aged. Very odd!

[spacial]

I think that's sweet Jenny.

Can see the frustration for you, but your cousin comming to terms with reality in that way is nice.

[Steph]

Ya it's happened to me as well but for me I think it's comes down to the fact that folks just don't understand our sensitivities, and really why should they. I think that many in today's society have forgotten how to be polite, what subjects ought to be taboo by things are so open and free that folks tend to think that any subject of conversation is open for discussion. Back in the day topics like surgery were never discussed but now things are much different.  It did bother me a lot when I was transitioning but I learned that there'd were more important things in life than to fret about misplaced remarks from well intentioned friends and acquaintances. Now if was done maliciously, that's a different story.

Steph

[spacial]

Think Steph's right.

Recall, a few years ago, a hindu lady, who hadn't lived here very long and who is a friend of my wife, had just had a baby. I was asking her how it all went and such. She was utterly shocked.

Fortunately she didn't know me that well. Too much shock for anyone. 

[Debra]

"when you were a guy..."

I always cringe at that and correct people...."When I was pretending to be a guy...." it sounds much more accurate to me

[Octavianus]

Well, from my point of view it works both ways. Yes, people can be ignorant and ask questions or place remarks without thinking or realizing how they will be interpreted.
Also from what I see and read transpeople can be a bit on edge in regard to these comments. Most often they are asked or placed with genuine intentions and not meant to hurt you. True, some remarks are more blunt than others. It is because a lot of people simply don't understand this condition very well, and it is hard to do for some. Heck, I have said thing to my girlfriend of which I am now ashamed to think of. Luckily she is patient with me.
This attitude will not change unless people can learn from you. So be patient and explain why you feel a comment is out of line so they can look at it from your point of view.

[K8]

"when you were a guy..."

I always cringe at that and correct people...."When I was pretending to be a guy...." it sounds much more accurate to me

I do this, too - always making that distinction. 

My friends usually don't say this, though.  They say "*old name* did this."  To which I can reply: "Yeah, he was such a dweeb" or whatever.  I think they take their cue from me, because I will sometimes talk about my previous self in third-person to them, as someone departed.

As for the pronouns, they are deeply embedded, and those who've known you the longest have them embedded the deepest.  Usually the person doesn't realize it and often will deny that they said it.  I correct them sometimes and other times I just ignore it.  The longer I get into living as me, the less it bothers me.

- Kate

[Shang]

I've heard people say that and I've heard them call FtMs "she" or MtFs "he" and I just gently correct.  A girl did this the other day talk about her friend by saying, "he is so beautiful!" and I said, "I bet she is beautiful" and the girl blushed and apologized to me because she was scared she had offended me, which she really hadn't--but I got to tell everyone in the group that despite looking female I do prefer male pronouns...I'm hoping they take me up on that, I know a couple will.

Anyway, enough of the rant.

[JessicaR]

Well, from my point of view it works both ways. Yes, people can be ignorant and ask questions or place remarks without thinking or realizing how they will be interpreted.
Also from what I see and read transpeople can be a bit on edge in regard to these comments. Most often they are asked or placed with genuine intentions and not meant to hurt you. True, some remarks are more blunt than others. It is because a lot of people simply don't understand this condition very well, and it is hard to do for some. Heck, I have said thing to my girlfriend of which I am now ashamed to think of. Luckily she is patient with me.
This attitude will not change unless people can learn from you. So be patient and explain why you feel a comment is out of line so they can look at it from your point of view.

  You just helped make my point... 

  I don't mean to bite at you, but I'm really *%^$($ sick and tired of being told that I shouldn't be so sensitive, that I need to be more patient with people...  I spread my social transition over an extended period of time so everyone I knew and worked with could adjust gradually... I armed myself with information and was very open about explaining things to anyone who asked. 90% of all the people that have known me all along had no problem transitioning to the new name and pronouns and treat me as the woman I am. I continue to be hurt by the 10% who can't seem to get it.
  Consider this hypothetical situation:

  "Bob" was raised by bigots; To him, certain types of people have certain names and that's how it's always been for him. He's always worked in an environment where that kind of language was tolerated. Now Bob gets a new job in a new place and finds out that one of his new coworkers is Gay. He's always called Gay people, "fa***ts."  Now, when dealing with or referring to his coworker, he uses that term. He's not trying to be mean.... He has no problem with the person being Gay; He's just always called Gay people that....

   Are you suggesting that the coworker should be more patient and gently explain his "condition" to Bob? Is the Gay coworker being too sensitive when he complains? After all, Bob has called Gay people, "fa***ts" all his life.... It's hard to change the way you think, you know...

   The fact is that it's just OK to treat Transpeople like their feelings don't matter. The argument that it's hard for others to adjust only works for awhile.... When a woman gets married and changes her last name, should one expect that anyone would still use her maiden name 5 YEARS LATER?? Hell no!
  Suggesting that we're just being too sensitive invalidates us and reaffirms your reality. Is that fair?

UGH!   

   

 

[Octavianus]

Dear Jessica, you did everything you could to inform people about yourself. The point I was trying to make was to be patient with people who care about you, but simply need some time to understand and grasp the situation. Acting to them in an irritated way will only create a distance. This is completely different from people who refuse to understand or are too insensitive to see how they are hurting others. Please understand I was not writing about them in my previous reply.

Judging by your reaction you are absolutely not impatient, you just have a few *ssholes around you.

[K8]

I'll second Octavianus' comment.  Be patient with people who love you and are trying.  Inform the ignorant.  Fight back against the bigots.

- Kate

[Cruelladeville]

I come for (on one side) of my family....

A very Catholic background....which includes a (senior) female reli who was seconded to Vatican for three years...

I can assure you they see me as an oddity, having defied gods work.... and though they now accept me and will hug embrace me.... (sorta).....

A couple of them steadfastly refuse to use correct terms.... for me....

I think more so as a handle of stability (safety-net) for themselves..... they prefer to hang on to the comfortable non-challenging safe past.... and if the miss-title me it helps them retain there grip on there limited god & bible defined reality...

(And the more beautifully, naturally and physically spectacularly you change the more it f#cks these types up)

That's my revenge......on God........ *s->-bleeped-<-s*