Suddenly Relatives!

[Sinnyo]

There's one part of my 'coming out' which I have ignored for now. I knew it would catch me up sooner of later - probably at Christmas - but now I learn that my maternal granddad is coming down to stay next week I am in a bit of a panic. I don't want to come out all over again!

I've already told my friends and nuclear family. I'm still having to deal with family aspects of this on a daily basis, but my friends have all been accepting and supportive. We're quite isolated (geographically) from the rest of our family though, so I've not considered my uncles, grandparents and cousins a priority. I'm not especially close to most of them, and it's only really my mother's side of the family that I have any bonds with. Trouble is, they're also the furthest away, and so the impression they must hold of me is much more.. rose-tinted? It's not quite how I mean, but my point is they deal with the memory of me rather than the actual person - topped up once a year or so when we do meet up.

If I were indoors and not called upon during the day, this wouldn't be a problem. I do now have some ladies' lounge wear, but it looks pretty androgynous if I've not stuck a filled bra on. I'm happy enough that way for now, and it's likely then that the only issue to raise an eyebrow would be my newly-elongated hair.

Alas - even if I put the fact I don't want to dress like a man aside - I am out for appointments and such, and hope to be back out with the friends who now see me in this new light. I may have to address issues around my appearance with a dear granddad who takes great pride in me as his only grandson (he fathered three daughters). It feels like the son/daughter issue my parents have chosen not to address yet, only more pressing as there's something more to treasure in being a 'grand-' person.

Luckily I shall be seeing a counsellor quite soon, and so might manage to get through that way. But I wonder, has anyone else here been in this sort of situation? How did you approach it?

[spacial]

I didn't know my grandparents.

But suggest you should just be yourself. You owe it to him to be honest. He doesn't deserve to be the only one kept out of the loop.

I suspect he already knows.

If he reacts badly, then that is sad, but how much worse will he feel to be the only one who doesn't know?

[Sinnyo]

Ah, for sure - in my rambling I guess I gave a false impression, that I would consider hiding this. I suppose I'm more concerned about.. when would be the appropriate time to bring it up. I suppose I should buck up and simply approach this as I did my friends and family before. I've gotten a little practice by now. ^^; I think I'm just worried about coming out to someone with whom I have a warm relationship, but a distant one. Oddly it seems far easier to come out to people who see you every day, or every week rather than annually.

[Colleen Ireland]

Any chance you could call him on the phone and have a chat about it?  I know coming out over the phone is not ideal, but what's the other choice - greeting him en femme when he arrives?  I think he'd appreciate a little advance notice, at least, assuming someone else in the family hasn't already filled him in.  Probably best to let him know in advance, if you can.  Mind you, I'm still trying to work out the best timing for coming out to my (adult) kids (living at home)...

[spacial]

For what it's worth Genna, I already understood that. I just thought I'd emphasise it.

It won't be easy. But for your description there doesn't seem to be much of an alternative to just coming out with it.

How much do you know of his attitudes? Is he a long term 'redneck' type who thinks shooting is the solution to everything? (No judgement here). Is he the open minded type who thought the 60s was the best ever? Or is he one of those quiet types who always seemed like a giant/

If you can think of how he reacts to others you may get a better idea of how he might react to you.

Colleen's idea of a telephone call is pretty good.

But however you do this, it's one of those moments that had to come, eventually.

Though, I do suggest it should come directly from you.

[Radar]

Most of my extended family (except for one grandmother and uncle) don't know yet either. I hardly see them so them not knowing right now isn't a big deal. They will eventually have to know though but we (including my family) aren't quite sure when to tell them. I guess we'll know when the time is right. Sorry I couldn't give any advice, I just know you're situation.

[lilacwoman]

spend the time as male as you can and let everyone fudge the issue until he's gone home is one way of doing it.
but as we are in the 21st century I'm inclined to think that the best way is to get the issue out and aired completely and let him know that you're just another of those people in all the transsexual articles he's seen and read so I say get some skirts and tops and femme up for the benefit of all the family and let em see you are serious.

[Sinnyo]

Most of my extended family (except for one grandmother and uncle) don't know yet either. I hardly see them so them not knowing right now isn't a big deal. They will eventually have to know though but we (including my family) aren't quite sure when to tell them. I guess we'll know when the time is right. Sorry I couldn't give any advice, I just know you're situation.

Nono, quite alright. It's reassuring enough to know I'm not alone. So.. right back at you.

as we are in the 21st century I'm inclined to think that the best way is to get the issue out and aired completely and let him know that you're just another of those people in all the transsexual articles he's seen and read so I say get some skirts and tops and femme up for the benefit of all the family and let em see you are serious.

I'm trying to read sarcasm into that, I really am - the portrayal of trans people has improved somewhat in the last few years, but that still sounds like the scariest thing I could do to a family member. "You know those people who are portrayed as shouting from the rooftops, demanding vaginas on the NHS and wrecking other people's marriages? That's me."

Nah, I reckon I'm going to take things gently, and as they come. He's going to notice my long hair, as it's part of the changes I'm going through. So too are the girlier tops, and the outfits I'll be wearing whenever I go out. Having spoken to my Mum (his daughter) about it, she seemed fairly confident that he'll accept me quite warmly. I'm sure he'd be as disappointed as anyone else would - in a literal sense, since I am stepping outside my appointed role in the family - but he'll have a week to talk things through with me too. I'm not sure I'd know how to do that on the 'phone, but I can see that's a good idea too. Thanks!

[justmeinoz]

Tough question really.  Short of him seeing you reading a Conservative Party magazine, or embroidering a picture of Maggie Thatcher as a Saint, I can't suggest any easy answers. 

I am out to one of my kids who is still coming to terms with things, but haven't heard from my daughter since I wrote to her a month ago. I still haven't told my Mum or my brothers.

Hope it goes ok. 

Sandra.