I'm now five months post-op. I'll try to be honest – there is both good and not so good.
I am completely healed, as far as I can tell. I feel good, am not sore, and the swelling is gone. I feel terrific, have regained my flexibility, and my stamina is at least what it was pre-op.
I've stopped wearing panty-liners only recently. I wore them because of whatever the new area was shedding. It's not a discharge – just part of the healing process I think. I had no blood after the first week. The staining decreased over time and seems to have stopped now.
The scar from my tracheal shave is fading but still visible. No one has ever mentioned it. It has never been that noticeable – an advantage of having a mature neck.
My fingernails are healing. I've always had strong nails, but when the portion that was forming when I had the anesthetic grew out to the end, they started chipping, tearing, and peeling. (I didn't know they
could peel.) It's been a struggle to keep the damage from going down into the healthy part, but they are strengthening again so perhaps the worst is over.
It's getting hard to remember what it was like to have that weird stuff attached to my body. I am completely comfortable with the new arrangement, although I'm still learning how to take care of it. Other than the big difference between my legs, my body is pretty much the same as it was pre-op. GRS wasn't a magic pill that made all things right. It didn't make me irresistible. (I didn't think that it would.
) But I have more confidence as a woman and the dysphoria is definitely gone.
Men seem happy to talk to me but none has shown interest beyond that. The only man who indicated he wanted to bed me is the husband of a friend, and I'm not ready for that kind of arrangement. I haven't had an orgasm yet and am beginning to think that perhaps I never will. I'm not a young woman and my libido was never strong anyway. It's OK but frustrating at times. I'm not real eager to tear up the sheets, but it would be nice to have a man's hands on me once in a while.
I can feel scar tissue inside my vagina, near the opening. Sometimes I get a little sting or pinch feeling when inserting the dilator, I think where there were stitches. I've lost less than half an inch of depth since the beginning and have plenty to work with. I follow the dilation drill as I'm supposed to, but sometimes it seems futile. My understanding is that dilation is to maintain depth for receptive sex, but since I don't see receptive sex on my horizon it seems like putting on your prom dress and then sitting by the telephone with little hope that it will ring.
I still usually dribble a bit when I pee, which is annoying. The end of my urethra is
much larger than it was in the previous arrangement. I don't know if that has anything to do with how I pee now. But I go less often than pre-op and have no problem holding it until I can go.
I've finally straightened out all the legal hassles of becoming female. (I think.
)
I don't think about whether I'm female anymore – I just am – which makes life easier and more relaxed. I am more casual about going out without makeup or my hair done. Everyone accepts me as a woman and, more and more, I do too. The occasional "sir" on the telephone is less frequent and bothers me a lot less.
I'm still discovering myself, but for the first time I have a good idea of who I am and am comfortable being me. It seems that at least once a day something will happen that makes me just hug myself with the joy of being a woman. My life is really settling down. I think that at last I may have achieved some kind of peace.
Things aren't perfect, but they are pretty wonderful.
- Kate
