What did you have to give up?

[FairyGirl]

I guess I just don't see it anymore in terms of "giving up" things. Of course things always change, and there have been plenty of changes. Yes, family and friends become collateral damage, but that in itself is not necessarily restricted to transitioning in any case. We can only walk one path at a time, and we have to choose which path it will be. I know anything that becoming myself forced me to give up never really belonged to who I am now in the first place.  There was nothing I had that was worth keeping along with the miserable person I would have had to remain in order to keep it. What I really had to give up was lying to myself and everyone else. I had to give up lifelong grief and sorrow for trying to be something I never was and never could be. I gave up a certain sad, short future for a life of inner peace and completeness in return.  All in all it wasn't a bad trade.

[spacial]

Hope not Zythyra. Music is one of the few human creations that have made life so much better.

[Colleen Ireland]

One thing I will NOT have to give up, is my best friend.  He and I have been friends for 36 years... he was Best Man at my wedding.  Our families have eerie similarities, as do our life stories, but some important differences.  At any rate, suffice to say he knows me better than anyone else, and loves me unconditionally, and I him.  He was the first person I told about my gender issues.  And recently I sent him an email asking for us to get together at his place, and that I'd like to be there as Colleen, and for him to address me as Colleen.  Then I didn't hear from him for several days, so I sent him another email basically asking if I had thrown him for a loop or something.  This morning I got a very wonderful (actually 2) email from him letting me know that indeed he is with my on this journey, but that he is also mourning the passing of the "old me", even as he welcomes Colleen.  And the capper was his second email, where he said:

"I keep looking at the picture of you (that I sent him) ... I can feel your happiness and relaxation in the expression on your face ... I have taken/seen many pictures of you over the years - never have I gotten a feeling from them as I am getting when I see the smile on Colleen's face ....."

That was so wonderful to hear from him.  That has been the ONE big piece of the puzzle that for me, really solidifies my knowledge that I AM Colleen, not "that guy", never have been him, there has always only been Colleen, but it took me the better part of 5 decades to figure it out.  So that was my wonderful gift this morning, my best friend in the world will always be just that.  Someone pass me a tissue, please...

[Shana A]

Why?  I'm a musician myself (amateur), but I have a hard time imagining how transition could affect the ability to make music?

It didn't at all hurt my ability to create or play music, however I was unable to get work as a musician once I transitioned.  Perhaps if I'd been as famous as Wendy Carlos...

Hope not Zythyra. Music is one of the few human creations that have made life so much better.

Indeed! And for the most part, when I'm involved in playing music, my gender doesn't matter.

Z

[Izumi]

How many others have had certain things about their prior male lives that conflicted too badly with transitioning to continue doing? For me it was martial arts. I miss it a lot but my sifu was an 80-some year old man who was raised in a temple in southern China and hardly understood any English. He was very old school and, needless to say, there is no way he would have understood my transition. Also, the general testosterone filled environment of the kwoon made it very much a 'boy's club' so everyone would likely have been hesitant to work with me if they found out I was trans. It breaks my heart because I was one of my sifu's favorite students. He used to always call me his son, which is something I'd never heard him say to anyone else. He also used to always refer to me as 'pretty' even though I was always in my male persona at classes:3
For a while after I stopped going to class because my transition was starting to become noticeable he would call me a lot to ask where I was and why I was never around anymore. It always crushed me to hear how badly he missed having me as a student. He hasn't called in quite a while now but it still makes me sad whenever I think about it. 

what i had to give up:

For a time, lost my dad, but eventually even he came around.  He didnt like it but he accepts it, even he cannot deny I am this way for a reason, and not pretending.

Loser status



What I gained:

Xwife is now my friend
Career is taking off
Got a fiance
Doubled my friends and making friends is easier
People think i am more fun to be around
Self confidence
Self esteem
etc.. etc.. etc..

I totally went from loser to winner in life.  To think the only thing I did was stop acting like a guy...

[Yvonne]

I know anything that becoming myself forced me to give up never really belonged to who I am now in the first place.  There was nothing I had that was worth keeping along with the miserable person I would have had to remain in order to keep it. What I really had to give up was lying to myself and everyone else. I had to give up lifelong grief and sorrow for trying to be something I never was and never could be. I gave up a certain sad, short future for a life of inner peace and completeness in return.  All in all it wasn't a bad trade.

Excellent.  My feelings exactly.

[Korlee]

The ease of getting a job.  I used to always be able to pull one out of my butt but since changing a little including the longer hair it has been rough.  Even when I do my best to clean up and look nice it still seems to strike against me.

The loss of my default strength just being of the gender.  I never worked out but I was one of those peeps that just had decent strength by default.  I used to be able to do small things like hold two fifty pound movie prints in each hand up and out like buckets being carried properly.  I can't do that anymore.

The confidence of nobody wishing to mess with me.  I had looks down that would scare a wild bull away and just the right air about me of being left alone.  Now more peeps challenge me and I just in general lack that same air.  I've even had nightmares about being weaker and not being able to defend myself in the way I used to.

Family above all.  Even if me and my mother had fights at least she wanted me around and seemed to care more.  Now I have been kicked the curb by alot of my family but my dad is okay with it though straight up.  At least that eh?  Brother refuses to talk to me as with most of my mothers side.  Sister, Aunt Lowayne, and my dad are it out of a huge family.

The few real life friends I've had.

Just all typical stuff really and I deal with it myself.  I have no other choice.

[Tammy Hope]

Inventory:

Wife: bitterly despises my transition, offers no hope at all of reconciliation (except for the fact that she is so dependent on me emotionally and otherwise that she might cave in after I leave. openly promises to give me hell as long as i'm here (then begs me not to go)

2 sons: older is definitely cool with it, younger tells me he is - wife claims he tells her differently but I don't trust her to not be using him against me. So far, relationships are fine.

Mom: supportive

Dad: opposed (but I didn't have a fantastic relationship there anyway and if he disowns me, no great loss)

Brother: haven't spoken to him in over two years (which dates back six months before I came out publicly) I don't KNOW that he is opposed, but i know he can't be unaware at this point and his kids avoid giving me his contact info (he's moved and my info is outdated)

Friends: several( but not all) folks I went to church with are on my wife's side and are "praying for God to convict  me" but I wouldn't have called most of them great friends. I can't think of anyone I was reasonably close to (a pretty small group) who's turned there back on me.

Job: I was unemployed (between census jobs) but when the second round of census work started they hired me as a female. That is, i assume, the exception - i expect it to be astoundingly difficult to be hired around here as a female, unless Toyota saves me.

Home: landlady doesn't approve but is one of the good christians who doesn't feel it's her place to judge. also, of course, if she evicts me she'd hurt my wife and kids which she wouldn't ever do.

"man stuff": other than watching ad blogging about baseball, I don't really do man stuff. Never have. not a hunter or a mechanic or a fisherman or a musician or a drinker or a smoker or an athlete. I considered giving up the blog back at the start of the year (because it's written under a male identity) but decided to give it one more year and, as it turns out, i've had the opportunity to pick up a few other gigs because of it and have made a couple hundred dollars through that and ads this summer so for now, I'll stick with it.


More on the marriage in a sec

[Tammy Hope]

Looks like my marriage, for starters.  Just had a very painful conversation with my wife, wherein she just had to let out all her sadness and frustration and pain.  I just sat there and let her unburden herself.  There wasn't anything else I could do.  I tried to say that I was still the same person, to which she said "No.  You're not.  I don't know anything about you anymore - I'm living with a stranger."  She considers this the death of all our hopes and dreams, and all her hopes for the future.  At one point she said "...and what about me?  I'll end up alone.  It seems like you don't even care about me anymore."

She has not seen me dressed, nor does she know my name.  She doesn't want to hear about it.  This conversation was brought about by me letting her know I'll be attending the Gender Journeys workshop at Sherbourne starting in October.  To which she said "Oh.  It's about that."  I no longer have any illusions about whether we'll be able to stay married - I would basically have to choose between her or transition (being truly me).  Unfortunately, I know which I'll choose.  So... yeah.  Looks like I'll start by giving up my marriage of 31 years (so far).  She even said "31 years of marriage, and you're ready to throw it all away.  And if you think you'll be able to keep your job, and your career, you're dreaming."

Needless to say, I'm all torn up inside right now...

You and i have amened each other before so it's redundant to say i relate to you but we definitely sing much the same song.

Mine tends to veer towards bursts of irrational anger - no tactic is too harsh to try to emotionally blackmail me into stopping...right up until the very edge of me leaving (I've actually had everything I was taking in the car a time or two) then she relents and tries to get me to stay (she knows what it would cost her for me to leave and to keep her vow that she "wants nothing from me" if i do)

i would just go ahead and go, but i fear for the kids if she actually does mentally breakdown as i fear she would.

In fact, on more than one occasion she has told me flat out that if i leave she'll kill herself AND the boys (they are too big for her to accomplish that without getting a gun or something) - that's the extreme she'll go to to try to force me to give this up.

you can imagine how difficult it is to be faced with that impossible choice.

[Colleen Ireland]

you can imagine how difficult it is to be faced with that impossible choice.

OMG, Tammy, that's horrible!  How old are your boys?  My kids are 27 (daughter), 24 (son) and 19 (son).  All still living at home. 

At this point, I have not yet definitively stated to my wife that I plan to transition, but she knows it's a possibility.  This past week I have turned a corner, and I now know that I must have that conversation with her, but it has to wait until after our Thanksgiving celebration (Oct 9-11), because otherwise she'll be under too much stress - my parents, her parents, her brother and his kids, all will descend on our house that weekend.  So I wait.  But your story fills me with dread...

[ggina]

I didn't have to give up much to transition.  I'd already lost anything I had to lose due to not transitioning earlier.  (Meaning, I was so stressed out from repressing myself that I made bad decisions and ended up pretty screwed up for a while.  I'm still digging my way out.)

same here, Mara

Somehow I have a sense that, after thirty-something years, my life hasn't even started yet... And it's so sad to have so much behind my back which I mostly consider not even worth remembering. And I don't really know when will life actually start... possibly never... but have to try anyway, can't think of anything better to do

Ayaname, I don't know just how important martial arts can be for someone. I mean, I too have some hobbies, but wouldn't worry about losing either one of them. I mean, they don't necessarily carry my personality, they're just passing time. How about you? Was your soul really that much into it? What did it mean to you?

And to Coleen and Tammy, my heart goes out to you on this one... When I hear about cases like yours I feel I don't really have and never had any problems in life at all But seriously, if you all can come out of this relatively unharmed then it was a good job... but it must be tough.

g

[MillieB]

same here

Somehow I have a sense that, after thirty-something years, my life hasn't even started yet... And it's so sad to have so much behind my back which I mostly consider not even worth remembering. And I don't really know when will life actually start... possibly never... but have to try anyway, can't think of anything better to do

g

This is important I think, I'm not really losing some male life because I was never, ever able to quite make that work and it wasn't me so I've pretty much lumbered around begrudgingly from tragedy to tragedy and like ggina, I don't really feel as though life has started yet.

[Tammy Hope]

OMG, Tammy, that's horrible!  How old are your boys? 

17 and 13

the oldest is, for all intents, a full grown man physically...younger is just getting into puberty.

both have birthdays after the first of the year (January and February)

[eshaver]

Besides a few unenlightened friends ............ I dunno, I'm still working on that . ellen

[ggina]

I don't really feel as though life has started yet.

hmm... wonder how many of the cis-people used to say that I mean, sure I feel the same way too but what if this is life? Nobody can really define it so it's hard to say if we're living it or not... Sorry I'm getting a bit philosophical

But for me, life is about falling in love. I've done so many things but this one has eluded me so far. Actually this is the very reason I started transitioning, because I'd found I was incapable to fall in love with anybody as a man. Not because my body didn't allow it but because I didn't love myself. And you have to love yourself to be able to love others.

So yes, Millie, there's not too much here to throw out

g