Salut salut all! My name is Niamh (say: neev) and I am pre-everything MTF from Ireland. I'm in my mid-twenties and pretty stuck as far as my life goes, despite the fact that I have a good education and a good job. I have been coming out to most people I know and trusted starting 6 years ago with my parents. Yah, scary, it's really been six years and they still haven't got their head around it. Basically I haven't found anyone that accepts me for who I am, apart from my loving partner who accepts me 110%. If it wasn't for her I wouldn't know what I would do. Actually, that's not entirely true. It's a catch-22. She accepts me as I said and supports me totally as far as my want of transitioning goes. However, it's kinda come to a standstill such that we want children but right now it's not the right time. Thus I have to wait until it's the right time for children and only after that I can start my transition. If I wasn't with her I would start transition almost immediately. I feel it's worth it in the long run to wait and create a family together but a small part of me regrets the whole situation.
Back 6 years ago when I came out to my parents (which I had been building up to for 2 years) I felt I had taken a massive step. I was half shaking, half crying and 100% terrified but also 100% excited. My parents promised that once I finished college they would totally come on board with my decision to transition but long before I graduated they had forgotten all about my 'little phase' as they liked to call it. Recently I brought up the issue again and they made some lame-ass excuse that they thought I had been cured by finding a girlfriend. So I've decided not to bring it up again.
I seriously thought that coming out to my folks and being honest with them, as well as telling my aunts and uncles and cousins would make things much easier. I thought I would feel freer that the truth was out there and I could start experimenting with my personality, my dress and just enjoy the fact that I didn't have to hide anymore. It wasn't like I thought a magic wonderland would follow on the heels of coming-out, I just got excited thinking that overall this course of action would make my life better. Sadly it all failed miserably. No matter how many chats I had with them, letters I wrote, photos of me dressed I shown, they just would not accept it, or even entertain the very idea. Now everyone in my family knows but as they think I am sick my coming-out has forever damaged my relationship with my whole family, parents, siblings, relatives. Now I can't stand to be at home or to be with my relatives because everything is so awkward. I actually enjoyed their company before I came out. Now I get nauseous just thinking about it. So I rarely see them now.
I have gone to therapists. I have gotten my GP to write me many letters of reference. All the so called specialists I have seen have been a waste of time. One woman after many euros and many hours of sessions presented me with the address of a gay men's hangout and a copy of a gay men's magazine. Hello? I can't go and see any gender-specialists as right now I haven't the money and in the current economic situation there is no free service. There is only one meet-up for trans people in my area and I went all nervous and excited but was disappointed to find a room full of middle-aged non-transitioning trans people. Not there there is anything wrong with middle-aged people but there was no one my age and there was noone that was actually transitioning and making progress. It seemed all the people who were successful in their transitions didn't go to meet-ups. It seemed like those people in the meeting had been there for years just cruising, living their lives in the gender that aligned with their biological sex and the sessions were the only time they ever tried to be their true selves.
So I live as a man who looks and acts quite effeminate so that when I had shoulder-length hair in my early twenties I used to get hassle and stares and shouts in the men's bathroom and get taken for a woman a lot of the time, either in person or on the phone. I used to work with the public alot and I got alot of 'miss'es and 'mam's on the phone and in person. So I cut my nice hair so people wouldn't take me for a woman anymore. Now that's not so much a problem as I am in my mid twenties and permanent visable facial hair means that people see it and take me for a guy. It's funny how I miss the trouble I used to have in bathrooms (even though at the time it wasn't so fun).
These days people just think I am gay and I get quite a few gay guys show interest in me when I am out. But I have already found my partner so I am not looking for dates, gay or straight, man or woman.
Yah, that's me. Wanting to transition but not really able to at the moment. I've been eating healthy and exercising to lose the weight that I gained during the years of depression and neglect. I'm getting slimmer and healthier and so maybe someday soon I will be able to buy some nice clothes and me and my partner can have a girl's night out on the town. However, starting to live full time as myself and making some real changes will have to wait until after children.
Sorry that this wasn't the most happy and positive of introductions. Thanks for reading this far. Love and strength to all, Niamh.
