I think I have finally accepted what I have known for a long time - that I am female and I need help. However, before I go and seek medical help and think about transitioning I still have some nagging doubts.
Before I do anything I need to be as sure as I can, not least because I have 3 children that depend on me and I will need to plan carefully how to best support them through the process.
Therefore, I have made a series of brief notes about my history, and articulated my remaining doubts and the answers I have come to about them.
It is rather long (sorry!) but I am sure I have missed loads out lol. If anyone has the time to read through and offer the benefit of their experience / wisdom I would really appreciate it.
Early years -
First cross dressed aged 4
Always felt different to other kids - couldn't say why though
Dressed when I could, but infrequently due to lack of opportunity
From 11 onwards dressed frequently, opportunities increased whenever at home alone, including spending whole weekends dressed on occasions
Used to lie in bed (aged 14+) , thinking about being a girl - used to invent stories in my mind about machines that would magically transform me and what would then happen!
Dressing would lead to masturbation throughout puberty - thought it was "wrong" and I was some kind of "weirdo".
Always very self aware of being "effeminate" in many ways, and fought to repress this to be more "manly", also refused to admit to liking anything that could be considered "girly", right down to what music I liked and TV I watched for fear of being "outed". I have recently begun to realise just how much of myself I have repressed!
Early Adulthood -
Found relationships very hard to form, with both males and females. Tended to have one very close male friend at a time (always platonic).
Relationships with females always initiated by the female, and occurred rarely.
After leaving home, I didn't crossdress for around 5 years - got involved in heavy drug use instead. Always felt the need to, but stopped myself from doing so as thought of myself as "odd" for wanting to.
Met (now ex) wife, stopped the drug use, got married, had kids, and started dressing again.
Came out to my wife as a ->-bleeped-<-, started buying clothes and dressed frequently around the house.
Present Day -
Live with girlfriend, and have residence of my 3 children from my marriage.
Am "out" to my girlfriend and a few others, go out "dressed" with a mix of TV & TS to semi-safe venues.
Going out to safe venues is not "satisfying" either - I really have little interest in being with men who are dressed as females. What I really desire is to be out in everyday situations as a female.
My dressing is not sexually driven - I just know that I am very unhappy when I can not do it, and therefore do so. However, doing it does not actually make me happy either.
I have very low self confidence and a negative self image - this is improved when able to present as female, but the improvement is limited by the awareness that I still have a male body underneath the clothes / make up etc.
I don't hate my penis - I don't like it either. It's just there, which annoys me sometimes.
I seem to possess a female mental body map - I don't have breasts but I somehow "know" what they feel like to have and a feeling they should be there, for example.
I find presenting as male difficult and something I am aware of having to do much of the time. Frequently it's easier not to do so, and I avoid having to go out to complete even simple day to day activities as much as possible. For example the thought of going to a shop can fill me with dread - yet I can present as "female" and do things fine.
I am only ever really relaxed and happy when interacting with people who accept me as female.
Male / Female Sexuality -
I seem to possess a female sexuality, which causes problems when with girls... for example I mainly want to be hugged and held, not to be aggressively "thrusting".
I am not homosexual, but am mainly attracted to straight men - this attraction includes a desire to be with them physically as a woman.
I am not really attracted to women, but can appreciate them, and have formed relationships with them but more seeking an emotional attachment than through a physical desire for them.
Have had opportunities for homosexual relationships, and been tempted but not done so because a) I am not attracted to their "gayness" and b) it isn't what I physically desire anyway.
I have had sexual encounters with men whilst presenting as female, and enjoyed them, though end up frustrated as I can't form the relationship I desire due to the fact I have a male body.
My remaining Questions:
Does the masturbatory element to my early cross dressing mean that I just have a fetish?
Does the fact that I would wish to form a relationship with a man mean that, rather than being a straight woman with the wrong body, I am just a repressed homosexual?
Does the fact that I have low self confidence mean I am just seeking escapism, rather than having low self confidence as a result of being born "wrong".
Measured against traditional male criteria, I am certainly not "succesfull" - I have failed to build a career, generate wealth and power etc. Measured against traditional female criteria I have done well, though - I am bringing up 3 children who are doing well, providing them with the care, emotional support and nourishment that they need for example. Is this because I am, actually, female and my true nature is being displayed, or am I a failed man seeking to "run away"?
My answers to these are (I think!):
No, it's not a fetish. The masturbation was just a result of going through puberty as a male, and not indicative of my actual feelings and motivation.
If I am a straight woman, then of course it is natural I would desire a relationship with a man, and all that entails. It is not a sign of homosexuality, because if it was I would be happy with my own masculinity, and want to share that with another man.
Growing up male is bound to have an effect on my psychological well being, and I should feel lucky to have escaped with just low self confidence etc as it drive many to suicide.
It may have been chance that I ended up with sole custody of our children after my divorce, but doing so has allowed aspects of my femininity to come to the fore. I am not a failed man because I was never truly a man to begin with, and I should just enjoy the fact that I am lucky enough to have experienced (to a degree) "motherhood" and all it's pros and cons, and been good at it. Accepting I am TS will also allow me to be a better parent rather than worrying about the role I play!
A big thank you to anyone who takes the time to read all that - any thoughts / comments are welcome!
Jennifer
