The androgyne child and gender dysphoria

[Kinkly]

from a young age I was told by my grandmother that boys don't cry I have one messed up memory of saying "well I don't want to be a boy" in response to the Boys don't cry comment from my grandmother. before my schooling started I was friends with a girl who lived down the road we went to school together and we would play together until she learnt that I had "boy germs" we had a normal uniform and a sports uniform the girls sports uniform was red dress with blue shorts underneath and the boys was red shirt blue shorts so one day in grade 1 we swapped roles she tucked her dress in and I pulled my shirt out, we got in trouble but I don't remember the punishment.
when she stoped being my friend because other girls wanted to be her friend so I was pushed aside over the years I never had many friends and they all stopped being friends with me so they could be friends with cooler people I was involved in a few youth groups growing up but I never felt like part of any of the groups I stuck with some groups for a long time but always felt like I didn't totally fit It was normal for the group to break up to smaller groups some guys playing gutars & some playing sport & girls doing a few things I'd either be with the girls who were chatting but not saying much or I'd sit by myself watching everyone else have fun

[Kendall]

I was not consciously aware of any gender issues per se as a child. I only became clear on that as an older adult.

But, looking back and reading childhood stories of others, I realized things were not so simple.

Much of my adult career as a therapist has been focused on trying to help men change and be more aware and expressive of their emotions. More compassionate and empathic. Believing that none of these changes are incompatible with healthy masculinity. My work was and is focused on ending violence and abuse, which I identified as coming in part from unhealthy masculinity. I still believe that, but I came to realize that there was something about being male - even a "healthy" male - that I did not feel fit for me. I tried, but could not change the world to fit me, and I did not fit the world. Still do not.

All my life I have felt like I did not fit. I thought it was because I moved a lot. No durable friendships, always the "new kid" / "outsider." I was also the "smart" kid, and usually less athletic, although not completely. Also my father was and is a Pentecostal minister. I was set apart some from that. Several people mentioned feeling isolated in this topic. I can relate some to that.

Then, in retrospect, there are the oddities. I had a doll, named Alexander. (I still have him. He's very dirty). I had several sisters. I never dressed in their clothes, but I did brush their hair, and I played house with them while, as the oldest, I was taking care of them. As the oldest (of ten) I cleaned, and cooked, and diapered, and comforted, and helped, and played with - and so on. I always had a girl-friend - never thought girls had "couties" or anything else bad. Nothing I did is never done by males, but - My mother used to joke she was going to collect a "dowry" when I got married. So my childhood experiences included both male and female (stereotyped or identified) activities.

I did not question my sex or gender, but I always felt like a spy under cover - faking something. Waiting for clarity. Waiting to fit.

On a bad day I feel like my GID is a fraud. I do not have the classic history. No bouts with suicide, just quiet, confused despair.

I appreciate that people on Susan's honor the diversity of our communities experience, so I have never felt criticized or minimized here. And I have seen that there is a variety of experiences - there are others a little like me.

On other days it just makes sense - my brain is not the same gender as my body, and that has been both a "boon" and a "bane".

So looking back - I think I was androgynous, but did not know it.