Edging back to the "dark side"

[aydan_boy]

I'm happy but at the moment feeling kinda ->-bleeped-<-ed up. I haven't been able to get any sleep recently, and I'm starting to withdraw from people. I'm also getting those dull grey moods where suicide is the main topic in my head. I realize that I should be able to control this, but I can't.

I'm scared that I'm going to go back to being that pathetic person i was last year. I'm HAPPY. Everything at the moment is FINE. Why can't I stay happy? I don't want to kill myself, i think. Sometimes I feel like I'm two people, ones happy, well adjusted, the other is intent on self destruction.

Last year is a year I want to desperately forget, I don't want this year to be like that. I don't know what to do, I have no control over these moments where I hate my guts, where everything feels hopeless. I know I'm not that person. I've even fallen as low to think of asking my local druggy for some "stuff" that'll keep me happy and social. DUMB. I know...

I don't know exactly what I'm asking, but maybe its "What can I do to stop these ->-bleeped-<-ing moods?". If you have an answer, ANY answer I'll take it.  Please don't say "Toughen Up" I've heard that from a lot of people, including myself more than enough.

(Nothing about this is trans related.)

[Gia]

It's a constant struggle, especially when it such shifts are from a disability.

Add on top of that missing children and the horrors that go along with this. It never ends. Waking up everyday wondering if they are okay and nobody tells you and nobody to ask.

When is it ever a worthy moment to smile again. For a smile seems like a lie to what has happened.

I don't know what to say but only share the darkness as it has unfolded.

I like purple now. It's not my favorite color. It blends easy with other colors I have and my moods. It means something to someone(s). Just to wear it usually is appropriate somehow. Even when everybody else wears black.

Maybe fashion is that drug... maybe not... doesn't hurt to try...

[kyril]

What you describe sounds exactly like chemical depression. Have you seen a therapist? (not necessarily for gender, just any therapist who can talk to you about your mood issues and possibly suggest antidepressants if indicated)

There is no "should be able to control this" with depression. It's not a moral failing on your part. It's not your fault. There is help (if the drugs work for you...that's an issue for me, but I seem to have weird brain chemistry). Get help before it gets so bad that you can't handle the thought of getting help.

[Gia]

What you describe sounds exactly like chemical depression.

I've went through 10 years of hell with mistreatment for that kind of assumption, which made things much worse.

Can't go back now. Damage is done.

[kyril]

I've went through 10 years of hell with mistreatment for that kind of assumption, which made things much worse.

Can't go back now. Damage is done.

I'm not making an assumption. I'm saying that what he's describing is basically a laundry list of the DSM criteria for depression, and it's worth at least seeing someone about it. Especially if it's coming up out of the blue with no clear trigger, isn't directly related to his gender issues, isn't related to any abuse or other life stresses, and generally appears to be biological rather than psychological in origin (the "me/not-me" duality, the "I don't want to kill myself but my brain won't stop thinking about it", etc).

If the treatment makes it worse, then stop the treatment. If the treatment interferes with you making progress on other (gender etc) issues, stop treatment or find another therapist who's aware that trans people can also be depressed. But don't avoid treatment just because it didn't work for other people. When it works, it's amazing - I've seen it, although sadly not in myself.

The other thing to have checked, possibly first if you have a regular doctor, is your thyroid. Hypothyroidism can cause depression including suicidal thoughts, and it usually resolves when treated.

[Gia]

There are different levels of depression. Symptoms aren't the same at each level.

Wonder if anything that appears in the DSM is somehow questionable for quantum qualities.