Welcome, welcome. This is a great site, and I hope you get support here. It's clear to me from your post that you have a certian amount of fear.
I'm a transsexual, but I still don't understand ->-bleeped-<-s that have a guilt complex about crossdressing desires. It's just a normal pathology. Just like being gay, there's nothing that can or should be done about it. It's just biology - the human genome and mind if delightfully complex.
If I am to quote from one of my favorite books on the subject, the most widely accepted TV axiom is to "make your peace with it, and keep it under control."
Vaya con dios, spacekat. And a Festive Noodle to you.

Bri