Lovesickheart,
I truely want to say thank you for posting here and trusting in us here at Susan's to lend an ear and allthough you may have not been expecting some of the responses you received, that is the risk one takes when asking advise of others. The written word is wonderful for communicating what we feel if we also take into concideration the readers of the word may interpit what we have written with a different twist than what we may have intended.
I have to say I have always a different and some here have said deeper sense of what one posting may be saying. I did not take it that your partner was selfish or unloving nor even irresponsible. You did not share what he had been like prior, but I took into consideration your charactor that comes through what you have written. You don't strike me as a person that would have been attracted to someone that had a track record in the relationship of being any of those things, and a looser never enter my mind. Instead I thought of what a struggle your loved one must be going through. I thought of the crippling depression that immobilizes some from being able to work. I thought of the fear one might also be crippled with freezing them, preventing them from doing the things they need or want to do. Depression is a very real condition that many and even most TG/TS I venture to say go through.
I even have wonder if your partners actions are because if you were to part it would be sparing you of all the uglies that sociaty may inflict...to spare you having to make comprimizes and being short changed as you partner may feel is what will happen if you stay together. Your partner may also be testing to see how strong you are and if you will stand by your committment to your relationship through waht ever is dished out. OUt of love for you your partner may think a favor is being done for you if you spit and go in seperate ways.
Some where here in the Wikki Pages on this site I remember reading the charactoristic traits and personalities that most TG/TS have incommon. I think if you look this artichle up you will be enlightened at some of the actions displayed by your partner. It may explain and give you comfort in the understanding of your partner more. With this understanding I think you will find more insite as to how to assist and support your partners decissions in various areas of your life and relationship.
I wonder if you would be able to think back of how relaxed your relationship might have been before the sharing of the desires to transition were made known. If you can think of how comfortable you were with your partners daily choice of dress and attire. Now that your partner dresses all the time in the chosen attire common to his chosen transitioning life gender, your reaction should be as comfortable as before if you are truely supportive. Try not to make a overly asserted effort to comment trying to asure your partner you accept. If you notice more now than you used to notice then it may come across not genuine and fake support. This may be what your partner is resisting. If your partner is attired in something you have seen many times then don't make a big deal of it. When it's a new outfit...your partner is no different than you...They would probably welcome the compliment. Read your partners posture. When they present themselves in such a way that screams look at me, notice me and how I look, then by all means be aware and don't choose or pick your words carefully. If it's natural it will roll off your tongue easily before you even know it with out a second thought. Same as hair do's.
Relax and snuggle as you watch TV. If you had candle light dinners before do them again. What ever you had before in your daily lives have it again. Don't always be discussing the issues that surround being TG/TS. It has an air of insincerity. It become a feeling of too formal, forced, to in your face. Don't get me wrong there come a time when everything about the path to transitioning to the chosen gender will have to be discussed. It all has an impact on both of you. But to think it needs to all be done at once is really unrealistic and very testing and egsausting to both of you. That is why the little steps have been mentioned by others is really a better way to go. Others have mention help of Therapists... this is sound advice because it is very well documented that couples rarely make it through a long life together when facing a life where one is TG/TS and Transitioning. Even the ones that have counseling or see a Therapist have struggles. Those that make it do so because both parties in the relationship have great communication skills and have deep truely unconditional love that sees them through accpompanied with the ability to comprimize fairly with a ballance with both parties well being and interests at the fore front.
I have said this before in posts here at Susan's Be Fair, Firm and Freindly to yourself and your partner and allow your partner to be the same and expect nothing less from them or yourself.
Others mentioned time too. This also is important. With time you will become more comfortable seeing your partner in the chosen attire. With time you'll become more at ease with being in public together as the person your partner has chosen to display. With time the love and bonding will grow deeper and stronger if allowed to and will become a life thread to your relationship.
I feel any relationship that keeps score and has a tally board of what each participant is putting forth is a relationship that is on the road to ruins. What is put forth comes because it is needed from whom ever is putting forth at the time. When one member of the relationship is unable to contribute 110% then the other participant picks up and takes over the load. This will shift back and forth from participant to participant if it is truely a realtionship of fairness and comprimizes and love.
I make that statement because I see you partner at a point that it's your time to step up and stretch to the lengths required to help this chosen path for transition to happen. At some point it will shift again and the tuggs and pulls and needs from you will be lessoned as your partner becomes able to contribute what ever level of contribution again. The bonds that grow from this shift and exchange of contribution to the relationship is filled wil deep love and graditude that will never be forgotten. Remember I shared with you in a Personal message some thing that might help with the financial part of this burdon you feel. Hopefully both of you can participate in that.
You asked "Would being with a loving partner be enough for someone having gone through a transition, or would sexual exploits be an important part of the validation process?" Again time will tell. But I believe in a relationship where the partners are married and have commited to each other a vow of sanctity it will be up to the couple to explore how best to satisfy the intimacy issues of their relationship. In other posts I have touch on the use of adult toys that help with this. I don't beleive unless it is what is wished by both parties of the relationship that a sex life have to end. Time will give you room and opportunity to find solutions that help you comprimize in this department also. In think in answer to, "Do they need to find someone homosexual - the way they identify - to be with?" If you have found acceptible solutions for your intimate relationship no this does not have to be the case. I have heard form so many and also from our therapist that sexual orientation doesn't necessarally change with transition ans SRS. It has not changed in my own S.O. preforence. So I guess again it's the depth of love and commitment and desire for fullfillment from that individual in the solutions for intimacy a couple have found that can take care of this issue too, to some degree.
You also asked,"Am I damaging my SO's transition by being honest about the fact that my level of attraction will decrease for them?" I think honesty is the most important thing in your relationship in the intimate feelings area. There may be other things you find more attractive after the transition than you think you will at this time. There's that word time again. It is so important to all of this. As changes take place in your partner and you grow more comfortable with them you may be surprised at what will be attractive and what won't. The bottom line is what does the attraction part have to do with it. If you are determind to make your relationship work you will learn to see past need for attraction and all feelings and actions will come from the place the were supposed to all along...LOVE. Your other following comment...well question was, "If so, is it a "make it or break it" deal?" I think a relationship is what the participants make of it. If they can comprimize...communicate...forgivness of past hurts and transgressions, and have time on their side then I think it doesn't have to be a break it deal.
As many have already said you are a rare and special individual to want to stick by and be supportive. Even more so for searching out ways "to do it better", as you put it.
I think you'll find the answers you seek here and at the least have others to sound out feeling with.
I hope I was at least a little helpful,
Smiles,
Peggiann
