Needing a push.

[ForWantOf]

Hey everyone, I wasn't exactly sure where to post this so I'm settling for the general FTM board!

As to make this brief, I basically just feel like I need a push and some confidence to come out to my mother, and then the rest of my family.
It's been over a year since I've admitted to myself that I am trans, and it's been eating away at me ever since. I haven't gone a single day without thinking of living my life fully as a guy, and how happy I'd be, and struggling so hard to over come every feminine aspect of myself.
I've done a sort of...makeshift transition, which is really just dropping female clothing and makeup and being more true to myself appearance wise.

My mom knows vaguely of how I feel because I "came out" to her in a horribly informal way, but I think has dropped the idea in hopes that it's just a phase and someday I'll randomly become some feminine....ah I don't even know the right word, but I'm sure you know where I'm coming from.
Anyway, I really feel like I need to transition, like I have this burning urge inside of me, even just getting a binder would settle my thoughts so much, and finally getting to therapy would be heavenly. But I find myself struggling to get the words out to her, and I'm so overcome with grief when I try to say anything. It's always on the tip of my tongue and on my mind though when I'm with her, and I'm always scouting out little opportunities to tell her.
It's just so very difficult, I've even considered writing her something and emailing it to her, but I feel like it'd be awkward in the period of time of waiting for her to read it, and after she reads it.

I may possibly be over thinking this, but I really just need some help on how to get this out, and I really don't have any friends that would be appropriate to discuss this with.
I did read through the little thing here on Susan's that helps you and family members deal with this all, but it still wasn't much of a push for me, but will come in handy when I finally tell her.

So I don't know, maybe share some good experiences with me? Some good lines to throw in there or any tips in general?

Thanks in advanced to any one who reads this! 

[Robert F.]

I wrote three separate letters to my mom, none of which did I actually give to her, but I read them at night to myself, to remind myself what I went through every day, to try and convince myself to give her one.

I definitely suggest sending an e-mail while you're at school or will be away for a while. If you give her a physical letter, someone else may find it, and by the sound of it, you only want to tell your mother initially. I typed up the letter of mine that I thought best described how I felt, in a way that she could try to understand it. So make sure she's home and not busy with anything, send her the e-mail, and that way she'll have time to process it before saying anything. I decided upon sending an e-mail because I really didn't want to see her initial reaction (which ended up being my mom crying because she thought she was a bad mother for not noticing).

The waiting period isn't too bad, but the first thing my mom said back to me was, "I love you," which for whatever reason made me EXTREMELY emotional, and as much as I'd prefer to deny it, I cried =/ So if you think you might, I would suggest you go to the bathroom immediately after you send it, or send it during lunch or a free period.

I also suggest just writing a stream of consciousness sort of thing. Without thinking too much, just write down exactly how you feel.

No matter how you tell her, though, make sure you also tell her that SHE was the one you wanted to tell. Let her know that you trust her enough to tell her. Maybe your mom didn't do this, but my mom, whenever she and one of her children has a "moment", always tells us that we can tell her anything. So I told her that she was the one I trusted enough to tell because she had always reinforced that idea, and I wanted to let her know that I trusted her.