She's in denial. My mom has officially known since 2008, yet she still holds up the delusion that I'm her daughter. When I try to talk to her about this, because we really do need to talk about this, she changes the subject and pretends to not hear me. After telling her the first time in words what was going on, I waited a whole year to let her brood about this – to process it. When I started pressing it because it had been so long and she seemed to let it go, thinking it would go away, I started bringing it up every so often in an attempt to get her to understand so that she could just be there for me... well, she just goes right back to avoiding the issue. She reflects by changing the subject, and when I change it back she just goes quiet and gets that look of resentment on her face. Every time. In fact, the same old song and dance happened yesterday in the car after a period of a few months of me again not saying anything out of respect to her, to give her time to "process"... I'm beginning to believe that she will NEVER come around. Two years of waiting to be acknowledged is long enough.
Really, I don't think she knows just how badly how she reacts to me and this whole thing cuts me. If she did I'd like to think that she would try harder. But, if she does know, then she's really just as cruel as I always thought her to be. It's not like she's got any excuse to cling on to the ideal that she has a daughter, because I was never a girl in any respect whatsoever. I started living and presenting as male from the age of 7 when I DEMANDED boys's clothes and haircuts, even boy's shoes, so this isn't "out of blue" at all and there's nothing there FOR her to be "clinging onto" as she is.
I'm not going to tell you that your mom is ever going to come to terms with this, or to the point of at the very least accepting you for who you are: her son. I'm not in the practice of giving people false hope, because that's what it very well could be if I were to say that. However, if it does go that way... you have a choice. You can stick around in her life, putting up with it, or you can opt out of her life. If it comes to that, perhaps then she will realize that not having you in her life at all is by far worse than you being who you are IN her life and she'll come around and make amends, start being supportive and give you the dignity and respect that you deserve by her finally letting go of "her" and embracing HIM, you by using the your proper name and pronouns. That's a big "if", though... just being realistically honest.
But, your mom is probably not anything like mine for you to have to take it that far. She's always resented me anyway because I am so much a mirror image of my father in all respects. She hated him too. I know this because she's actually told me countless times... in addition to telling me that she does blame me for her lot in life, just because I existed at all (even though I wasn't here yet when she started screwing her life up by partying and failing high school, which is the REAL cause of her life issues). Her resentment of me went so far that she neglected me for first 10 years of my life, she was too busy chasing men and having fun to raise me or have pretty much anything to do with me at all after the "cute baby" phase was over (she was only 19 when I came along after all). She didn't even notice when I started slipping behind in school (because I was never taught to read or write – didn't learn until I was 8 because that's a parent's job, not a school's). Not even a notice when I got sick, I've nearly died several times because she just didn't pay attention (phenomena, strep throat that turned into sepsis etc.). Sometimes, if I am being honest here, I wish I had... As it was though, she only noticed me when I made mistakes or when she needed somebody to vent out on. In fact, my earliest memory of my mom is of her screaming at me while brandishing a butcher's knife in my face during a borderline-psychotic break when I was three years old, before she pushed me down and took off for the rest of the day.
I just try to forget, forgive that decade stretch and move on... but even that's not happening because what she is doing now is far worse even than those things she's done, and brings all of that crap back out into the forefront of my mind. It's just poising any hope of us ever having at least a half-way decent relationship now.
I'm telling you all of this because I want you to be able to appreciate what you have now with you mom, even if she doesn't yet totally accept you for who you are right now. At the very least your mom's been there for you and loved you and considered you at all enough to "grieve her daughter", mine hasn't and I don't expect her to start now. I'm pretty much decided that when this economic slump turns over and I'm able to get a job to save up from, I'm buying a bus ticket out of here and I'm never coming back. I can finally move on in peace to a town somewhere where nobody knows my name or anything about my past. I think that's my best bet because I already know that she, nor anybody else I know now in this life will ever come full circle and I will always be "her" to them. I need to be free of these chains, even if it means ending up on the streets somewhere for a while until I "make it".
Anyway, I really hope you can work with your mom to get it across to her that what she is doing hurts you. At any rate, you really need to try and talk with her, not just to her – because she'll likely tune you out if it's just passively "to" her in a "one-way" conversation. The biggest thing you can do is to be open about it with her – tell her anything she wants to know IF she wants to know... because if she doesn't know what she is doing is negatively impacting you, hurting you, then she's not going to stop neglecting the issue and YOUR needs. A relationship just can't work out like that.
I really hope for your sake, she comes around. I really, truly do. Just hang in there and give it all you've got, because you only get one mom.
