Dear Devyn,
I'm sorry for you feeling so bad, and I hope you won't carry out your suicidal tendencies.
At age 14, for a year or so, I spent almost each single day negotiating with myself whether I would kill myself that day and how, writing testaments and stuff like that, still trying to get through the day without actually killing myself, and being relieved when I went to bed and had won that battle another day. I had about half a dozen awful problems that year, trans being just one of them. The other ones were: we had just moved so I had to deal with a new school and lots of new stuff to catch up with, being bullied in the new school, no friends there, having been lied at badly by my parents and not trusting them any more, heart broken for one year as I had fallen in love before we moved, being "outed" as "lesbian" by my mom before and getting yelled at for it before I had become aware myself that I had fallen in love with that girl, the trans confusion and getting my first period at that time, and virtually nobody to talk to about these problems but the girl I wrote letters to and being yelled at by my mom for writing her so many letters (I only told her some of the problems, though). And I was only rarely allowed to call her up as it cost money.
Each of these problems was motivation enough on its own to commit suicide. I still don't know how I made it - well I got serious long-term mental health problems from that year, otheres were worsened. Some of them still last, and this delayed my transition a lot as I first had to deal with that stuff. So in this sense, I'm a survivor and maybe can give you some advice.
I don't want you to also get long-term problems from the hell you're going through now. And no, I don't think my situation was worse than yours is. You seem to have less different problems from what I read in your posting, but your body/gender dysphoria is much worse in your case than it was in mine, I just numbed it away most of the time.
Your current situation is DANGEROUS. Even if you manage not to kill yourself because of being trans, other, unrelated problems might come up which might drain too much of your strength to combat your suicidal tendencies.I know how awful it is not to be taken serious because "you're just a teenager" and dismissing your depression as a "random teenage moodiness". I had this problem with my parents as a teenager when I started telling them I need help, and it discouraged me from telling them what exactly was wrong with me, as well as from insisting on getting help and from making it clear for them how life-threatening my situation was. At my early 30ies, after starting transition, I was suddenly read as a 13, 14 year old teenager again by strangers for a while, and these strangers did not take me serious and often treated me badly. It really sucks being a teenager in this society. So there's really ageism going on there, which is one of the reasons why so many teenagers commit suicide. They're not taken serious when they show alarming signs.
As teenagers are often not taken serious,
you gotta insist again and again that you need help, and tell your mom or dad that you consider killing yourself. This might wake them up, they don't wanna lose their kid. I don't know if it's safe though to tell them right away that you're trans. Depending on their reaction, it might give you big relief or worsen the stress you go through, enforcing your suicidal tendencies. You're probably not in a strong position right now to deal well with stress at home. You cannot take back a coming out, and if your parents react badly, your home will just become another battlefield. Also, if you get the wrong therapist and he/she does not listen to you but dismisses your trans problems as "oh, most girls don't like their bodies when they grow up" or something like that, it might increase the life danger for you. Maybe you can find a therapist who already knows how to deal with trans issues.
What else can you do? - Try to find other trans kids who you can meet in real life. If you don't find any in your region, try to find closeted gay or lesbian kids - they don't have the same problems as you have, but at least you share the coming out problem and the stigma. Or find friends you can trust and tell your problems if you don't have friends you're out to already. Keep in mind that friends who know other people around you might out you to them, and I don't know if you have the strength to deal with a forced outing at the moment, so be careful. Susan's.org is also a good place to start with, better rant here over and over again than commit suicide. Suicide hotlines are also a good idea if things go really bad, I don't know if people take a teenage trans kid serious there though. (I used suicide hotlines a couple of times then to not kill myself right away, they were great, but did not out myself as trans there.)
It's really important that you don't have to keep all the ->-bleeped-<- for yourself, and that you have support. -
You may want to write up your problems, especially if they're so overwhelming that you only have chaos in your head otherwise. At least it helps you structuring what you have to deal with, see it right in front of you, and maybe clear your mind a bit. This is particularly useful if you have a bunch of various problems. If your parents are control freaks like my mom and nose compulsively around in your room, hide what you write up very well, or destroy it. Also consider keeping your computer safe and not being caught. And/or keep your room in such a messy state that they won't find anything. (I did all of these things apart from the computer as I didn't have any then. My room was messy cause of my depression, though, and I got regularly yelled at by my mom for my messy room, but it was very convenient that I could hide my stuff better there.) Be careful, however, depending on your mood, writing up your problems might make you even more depressed.
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Make a transition plan. Best case scenario, worst case scenario, average scenario. It will help you looking forward to the future and not despair too much about your current situation. Transition will cost money anyway, so making a plan is a good idea. And you need to schedule the transition steps well anyway, as getting stuck inmidst of transition without a job, name change etc. is nasty. (I couldn't do this then as I did not have any information how transition works.)
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Make a suicide impulse SOS plan. Keep suicide hotline numbers ready. Find out something to do which detracts you from actually committing suicide. There are lists on the internet on that topic, I don't have any at hand right now though. (I did this too and it saved my ass. Unfortunately, one of my SOS detractions was self harming myself secretly, which is a very bad solution though still better than suicide.)
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Money: you'll need lots of it for transition. Even more if your parents don't help you. Find a little job and save the money. Be proud of the money you save, even if it's not much. But don't work so hard that your school performance suffers from it. (I put some of my pocket money aside each month as a teenager to finance transition and gave private tuition. It wasn't much, but at least I did not feel helpless any more. Unfortunately, I did not find any information in the library that you can transition FTM though I searched like crazy, so I gave up about it at age 16 (mind you, that was before the internet)).
- Money: you make more money if you have a better education, or have learned some skills. So
try your best at school, and learn a useful skill to get a job. It would be sad if you mess up school because of your problems now. You'll need the money in the future. And concentrating on school might help distract you somewhat of your problems. (That's what I did, unfortunately, it enforced the bullying. And I learned typing, which helped me get a job.)
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Stay away from drugs. They cost money, mess with your school performance, steal time you need to make money, will delay your transition etc. Plus you have a much higher risk to become addicted if you use them to numb your depression than just for recreational purposes. (I could avoid drugs during teenage years but got myself into trouble with them later on, still struggling. I think if I had started during teenage years, I'd probably have become a heroin-related death a long time ago. No, I don't use heroin and never did. Unfortunately, I cannot get professional help for it as if it becomes official that I have drug problems, this jeopardizes my letters for surgery.)
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Do something nice. Try to enjoy yourself. You need any oasis you can get now.
The TSRoadmap offers transition schedules and plans, it's for MTFs who don't live at home any more though. So it's not really applicable for your situation, but it might help you making your own schedule.
http://www.tsroadmap.com/reality/finance/There's also a timetable where someone wrote up how they made their steps for transition:
http://www.tsroadmap.com/start/transsexual-transition.htmlGood Luck and stay alife, little brother!
The same goes for Ezekiel and the others who struggle with suicidal thoughts.
