Feelings I didn't Expect

[erocse]

   Over the past eighteen years. I have gradually come out to my wife. Had I come out to her fully eighteen years ago, I don't know if our marriage would have survived. It's been a long and arduous process.  Over the past couple of months I have expressed my feelings about going out in public. I had suggested that it would be sometime in the future, maybe a year from now.( I just didn't think I was ready) She expressed some concerns but she was supportive. I  also told her I would try to keep things, "under wraps" so to speak. Even though I have been on hrt for almost a year. We agreed that sense it was our youngest daughters last year in school. (in a small town) I would respect that and not cause her any undue embarrassment. ( I fully intend to keep that promise.)

    Well, a week and a half ago,( as some of you know) I got a bee in my bonnet. I decided I would go out alone, presenting female. I had the BEST time. I have gone out several times since. Each time has been great. Yesterday I spent the day shopping .My feet give out long before my enthusiasm does. To end my wonderful day I took myself out to dinner, alone. (Something I would never have done if I was presenting male.) It turned out to be the highlight of the evening, I enjoyed the meal, I enjoyed being alone , I just sat there taking everything in.

      Today I had to run a few errand. One of which was to visit one of my daughters. ( whom I am not out to yet) needless to say I was presenting male. At the end of the day, I decided that I would take myself out , once again to dinner. Same restaurant but not the same place. (it's a chain). By the time I got to the door , of the restaurant. I was feeling nervous and uncomfortable about being alone. I had to leave before I could order. I just felt so uncomfortable.

      I have never felt comfortable with myself around people especially in crowds . What I didn't count on is  how wonderful I would feel presenting female. Around people or crowds it doesn't seem to matter it just feels so right.. I know there must be a certain amount of euphoria associated with going out the first few times , but it's like a box of chocolate I just can't seem to put down.

      I want so much of what life seems to be offering me, right now. I just don't know how to take advantage of it, without upsetting my wife and family.

     I've been away from home these past couple weeks. I will be returning home next week to my wife and to our small town. I miss my family, but know it will be "back in the box " for me . I know there is no simple answer, I'm just feeling a little discouraged.

   Erocse

[Mrs Erocse]

Dearest Erocse,
     I always know you are beautiful, inside and out. You are a lovely woman and I look forward to going out with you.  Now that you have broken the ice for me I know that we will have fun like we always do. I miss you and look forward to fun outings out.
Please cheer up. I miss you and am looking forward to you coming home.
XOXOXO
Mrs. Erocse.

[Janet_Girl]

you two are cute.  And I think you will be a great inspiration to many.

@Erocse  Isn't amassing that we finally step out alone as how we are and life is good.  But do the same as our old self and it becomes a terrifying experience.

[rejennyrated]

You only have to look are our avatar to see that true love can transcend all manner of unexpected things.

Neither of us would have expected to be in a "for life" relationship with another woman. We were both already postop when we met through a mutual friend (who later became Alisons employer). Post surgery we were both straight women and, at the time we met, in active relationships with men.

However fate had other plans for us. Something magical happened and twenty two plus years later here we both are, still together.

Because we were both done and dusted when we met we didn't have to deal with any of those issues. As you transition both of you will have to adjust, and of course post HRT and hormones there will be dramatic changes, but relationships can and do survive even that.

We both chose to be together, despite logic telling us that we would be better off, and since we both passed well, less open to hostility and prejudice if we had opted for conventional hetero relationships with other people. Instead we chose each other. Love is like that. At its best it can be blind to practicality.

I think it would be a big mistake to try to put the genie back in the bottle. Instead try to go forward and reap the rewards of living your truth together.

Jenny x.

[lilacwoman]

I've never seen a post like Mrs Erocse's before.  Lovely!

[rejennyrated]

I've never seen a post like Mrs Erocse's before.  Lovely!

Amen to that! Mrs Erocse rocks!

[Cindy]

Awoman to it as well (yea I know)

[Colleen Ireland]

I've never seen a post like Mrs Erocse's before.  Lovely!

You made me cry, Mrs. Erocse.  So wonderful to see someone so supportive.  I'm just about to tell my dear wife of 31 years that pending a diagnosis which seems in little doubt, I do plan to transition.  I don't expect her to be nearly as supportive.  I expect our marriage will end.  I realize I can't predict these things, though, but while I'm hoping for the best, I'm preparing for the worst.  Bless the two of you - you are both wonderful.

[erocse]

  Mrs Erocse, You are truly a wonderful and amazing woman. I know it can be difficult at times. But you always manage to handle those times so gracefully. You are my best friend. Thank you for joining me/ us here, at Susan's.  If I could I would leave today to be with you. 

  Susan's poster's,
    Your admiration and applause for my wife and our relationship, affords me a moment of reflection. I think back to a picture that Mrs Erocse painted for me, nearly twenty years ago. The caption simply read, "Contentment isn't in what you want, But in the realization of what you already have". I have so much, in life. The little inconveniences can be easily overlooked.

  Erocse

Coleen , Your such a kind person. If I could I would pray for you. instead I am  going to keep my fingers crossed.  And offer you a big hug.

Jenny , You two are a great inspiration  for us !!!

[Colleen Ireland]

Thank you, Erocse.  I usually have to have avatars turned off, because my computer is in an area where it could be seen by someone (wife, child) passing by.  I'm alone in the house at the moment, and I turned them on.  I agree with Mrs. Erocse - you are gorgeous!

[Lacey Lynne]

@ Erocse:

Girl, I can completely related to what you've said here. 

On 3 October 2010, just about 2 weeks ago, I went out fully en femme myself for the first time ever having gone ANYWHERE like that ... at our local major mall.  My feeling is that if you're going to go for it, go for it.  Start in the big-time.  My sunning adventures over the years took way more gumption and moxie than doing this.  Yeah, I was a tad nervous, but it turned out to be no biggie.  In fact, it was a total hoot!  ME AT LAST!  Finally!

Anyway, God, just like you said, Erocse, I had SUCH a good time!  It felt so right!  Once my friend and I left the mall, she drove off to go home.  I was still totally psyched.  I ditty bopped out in public past a very busy restaurant and several retail stores and made my way to Barnes & Noble!  Yes!  After that, I drove to our local Arabic Market to cop some baba ganoush, kibbeh, etc., and was saying "Kehyfer haluk!" to the Arabian dudes in the store!  SOOO much fun!

Hey, take a look at THIS quote:

Dearest Erocse,
     I always know you are beautiful, inside and out. You are a lovely woman and I look forward to going out with you.  Now that you have broken the ice for me I know that we will have fun like we always do. I miss you and look forward to fun outings out.
Please cheer up. I miss you and am looking forward to you coming home.
XOXOXO
Mrs. Erocse.

HELLO!

Girl, I'd give my left nut ( ... and my right one too! ... Hello, Dr. Toby Meltzer! ...) to have a significant other like you have!  YOU ARE BLESSED!   

You've got THAT kind of support and seem to be relatively young ... your transition is going to totally rock!  The kids?  I think they'll surprise you.  It may take time, but they'll love YOU, presentation not mattering to them. 

You've got it goin' on, hon!       All of us here wish you our best!