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Hunger Strike

Started by Maddie Secutura, October 25, 2010, 05:26:39 PM

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Maddie Secutura

Ok, this is something I'm thinking about doing.  This is essentially an ultimatum for my "friends" who tell me not to kill myself because they'd miss me.  One of three things will happen: A) I starve to death, B) we raise some surgical funds together or C) they admit they don't care enough to back up their words.  I'm thinking C is going to happen. 

It's time to put up or shut up.  I've been pinching pennies to no avail and I'm sick of waiting for something good to happen.


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Sarah Louise

I don't think a hunger strike will serve the purpose your hoping it will.  You need to come up with a different plan.
Nameless here for evermore!;  Merely this, and nothing more;
Tis the wind and nothing more!;  Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore!!"
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Maddie Secutura

It's not about raising the money because that's just not going to happen.  It's about getting everyone to admit that they don't actually care if I live or die.


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Izumi

Quote from: Maddie Secutura on October 25, 2010, 05:31:01 PM
It's not about raising the money because that's just not going to happen.  It's about getting everyone to admit that they don't actually care if I live or die.

Why do you need other people to tell you what your life is worth in the first place?  It seems to me the only person who puts a low worth on their life is you. 

I dont know what you hope to accomplish, but transition isnt about other people, its about you.  In fact before you transition you have to be willing to risk it all, your friends, your family, your job, and yes even your life to be who you were meant to.  So get off your butt and get to being who you are, eventually you will find real friends not fake ones that would drop you for something like this. 

You look young so let me give you some advice, if your TS, dont wait and dont bother what other people tell or think of you.  Just do it, because if you dont, you will regret it later.  Btw, the grass is much greener.  All the friends that didnt leave are good friends now, they dont drop me when things get rough, also my life 100x better then it was pre-transition.  So as Mr. T would say, "Quit Your Jibba Jabba" and get to it.
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Maddie Secutura

You're right I don't value my own life at all.  So if its just about me then I guess I can go ahead and screw what anyone thinks and jump to the head of the death line.  Maybe ride my bicycle down a busy back road or walk around a rough part of town after dark would be in order.


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Izumi

Quote from: Maddie Secutura on October 25, 2010, 06:56:42 PM
You're right I don't value my own life at all.  So if its just about me then I guess I can go ahead and screw what anyone thinks and jump to the head of the death line.  Maybe ride my bicycle down a busy back road or walk around a rough part of town after dark would be in order.

I dont get what your trying to accomplish you look fine to me, why do you want to die so bad?

Maybe you misunderstood what i am trying to say because i was confused about what you were upset about.  Your upset because your friends care about you? or you upset about not making money?  My previous quote was directed at the making money part, i mean get too it as in increase your efforts in obtaining your goals, not get to it killing yourself....
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Maddie Secutura

Yeah there's only so much I can do as far as the money thing goes.  Believe me I've been trying everything I can think of but its a super slow grind thats going to take me until I'm 30.  As far as being pissed off at my friends it's only because they say they care.  Actions speak louder than words and I'm pretty much alone when it comes right down to it.  If any of my friends had a condition that was killing them and there was a treatment that could save their life you bet I'd be on the ball trying to help pay for it.

So yes I'm tired of trying to live a life that's only half mine.  There are so many things I can't do because I'd be putting myself in physical danger if they went to far.  I'm tired of being constantly reminded of how far I still have to go.  I feel like a football team who started the game three goals behind and the ref as well as the crowd are for the other side.  I'm tired of feeling powerless to change this.  I have to pay back my student loans without the aid of the job for which I went to college.  Believe me, I've tried to make that happen but one look at a background check and suddenly anyone else is a better candidate.  I need to make a change and I don't know what to do.  So yeah my own life just isn't worth fighting for.


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Nero

Quote from: Maddie Secutura on October 25, 2010, 07:42:47 PM
Yeah there's only so much I can do as far as the money thing goes.  Believe me I've been trying everything I can think of but its a super slow grind thats going to take me until I'm 30.  As far as being pissed off at my friends it's only because they say they care.  Actions speak louder than words and I'm pretty much alone when it comes right down to it.  If any of my friends had a condition that was killing them and there was a treatment that could save their life you bet I'd be on the ball trying to help pay for it.

So yes I'm tired of trying to live a life that's only half mine.  There are so many things I can't do because I'd be putting myself in physical danger if they went to far.  I'm tired of being constantly reminded of how far I still have to go.  I feel like a football team who started the game three goals behind and the ref as well as the crowd are for the other side.  I'm tired of feeling powerless to change this.  I have to pay back my student loans without the aid of the job for which I went to college.  Believe me, I've tried to make that happen but one look at a background check and suddenly anyone else is a better candidate.  I need to make a change and I don't know what to do.  So yeah my own life just isn't worth fighting for.

Just because your friends aren't chipping in for your surgery doesn't mean they don't care. Even if they are super wealthy, why do you expect monetary support? Friendship is about emotional support. Friendship is giving, not obligation. You may be judging them too harshly.
Nero was the Forum Admin here at Susan's Place for several years up to the time of his death.
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Maddie Secutura

I don't expect anyone to chip in.  I just want it to be acknowledged that my life is in my own hands and no one gets to tell me otherwise.  Put simply: Unless you can provide a better solution to get me out of my current predicament you don't get to put your two cents in.


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spacial

Think you need to get away from your environment, completely for a while.

Last time I felt as you do, I sold everything I had and went to another country to work for a while.

Just get away for a bit.

2c
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Izumi

Quote from: Maddie Secutura on October 25, 2010, 07:42:47 PM
Yeah there's only so much I can do as far as the money thing goes.  Believe me I've been trying everything I can think of but its a super slow grind thats going to take me until I'm 30.  As far as being pissed off at my friends it's only because they say they care.  Actions speak louder than words and I'm pretty much alone when it comes right down to it.  If any of my friends had a condition that was killing them and there was a treatment that could save their life you bet I'd be on the ball trying to help pay for it.

So yes I'm tired of trying to live a life that's only half mine.  There are so many things I can't do because I'd be putting myself in physical danger if they went to far.  I'm tired of being constantly reminded of how far I still have to go.  I feel like a football team who started the game three goals behind and the ref as well as the crowd are for the other side.  I'm tired of feeling powerless to change this.  I have to pay back my student loans without the aid of the job for which I went to college.  Believe me, I've tried to make that happen but one look at a background check and suddenly anyone else is a better candidate.  I need to make a change and I don't know what to do.  So yeah my own life just isn't worth fighting for.

See its all a perspective, i transitioned at 32, i wont be getting SRS till i am 35, i am 34 now.... Do you even realize how much i would love to be you, even if it takes me till 30 to save my money for SRS, you have your whole 20s,  I never got a chance at my 20s.  I lost 14 years of my life i cannot get back and it makes me sick thinking about it everyday, you being a young transition-er have those years, but to focus on SRS and not enjoy them a little is kind of sad.  You look great, you pass, no one will see whats in your panties unless you want them to, whats wrong with waiting until your 30 for SRS, when you can already live as a woman?

Dont get me wrong the need for SRS is strong with me too, i know waiting is the hardest thing(especially when you have a straight fiance), but its only tolerable if you enjoy life while you wait.  If you dwell on it, it just gets worse.  SRS is only the beginning of your life, but you should work now on setting the foundation to enjoy that beginning by reinforcing what it means to be you and in essense finding yourself and what you find enjoyable about life, i know a lot of TS girls that make SRS their goal, but when they achieve it, then what? they get depressed because they have nothing else... i hope thats not you and you want something beyond SRS. 
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spacial

I will say this Maddie.

Saving up for a bill as huge as the one you need to meet isn't going to be done with nickels and dimes. It's a matter of planning and investment.

But to achieve your goals, you need a long term plan.

When I was at school, I recall learning about the various levels of economy, from global, state, local, community, domestic. There were also company economies of course and others, but you get the idea.

Domestic economy is what concerns us here. There are various levels, depend upon your social position. In N America, social psoition tends to depend upon personal wealth, while here it's more a matter of behaviour and connections, but the principal remains the same.

This is a rather simplistic approach.

One of the most and easiest ways to secure wealth is property. For that, you need a mortguage. For that, you need a decent, regular job.

So, you train for a decent job. You get a decent job. You get the mortgage, you buy the property. You throw all your available funds into paying off the mortgage as quickly as possible. You have an asset. But more importantly, you have a decent credit rating.

You can then use the asset and your decent credit rating to negotiate a loan at a decent rate of interest. But it's unlikely you will get a loan for SRS at a decent rate. So you need to use it to buy another asset.

An asset is something that appreciates in value. Property tends to be the best form and now, with property prices falling, this is the time to buy.

Once you have your second asset, you can sell it, get your funds and your SRS. But you still need to pay off the second loan of course.

I'm sorry, there is no quick way. It's a matter of hard work and a lot of thinking. I managed to get my primary asset, my house, after about 13 years. I could have done it quicker, possibly 9 years. It is currently worth about 5 or 6 times what I paid for it.

You could also go for a corporate plan, building a business and selling that. But that requires a number of interpersonal skills. Sadly, as a consumate loner, I simply don't have those. It should also be pointed out that, while the corporate approach is quicker, there is more risk. The trick is to find the right product. Generally a support product, rather than an end user. You need to start markting at th right time, usually when the economy is begining to grow. Then sell when the economy is begining to fall.

But never retail. Retail is too fickle. Only an idiot goes into retail. It just looks easy because it's what most people see.

Also, be very careful of transport. Too many thugs.

If you can, small manufacturing of specialist components is the best.

That will give you something to think about while you have a wander. Good luck.
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Maddie Secutura

I've done the training for a decent job. By all rights I ought to have a job in the field of mechanical engineering.  Its funny though because they have to do background checks and one look at my background means someone else is a better candidate.  Heck I used to work for Harley-Davidson while I was in school. I saw they had a position open and pointed out the fact that I worked for them while I was in school and I know exactly how they operate.  They're not going to find a better candidate than me.  But yeah...they've selected someone more qualified for the job.  What the heck am I supposed to do? 

I'm starting to fall apart here. I should know that no one gets to know that I have boy parts unless I tell them.  But that's precisely the problem.  I can only half way function like I ought to.  And why should anyone envy my position?  Being young and poor isn't all its cracked up to be. 


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Izumi

Quote from: Maddie Secutura on October 26, 2010, 06:11:45 PM
I've done the training for a decent job. By all rights I ought to have a job in the field of mechanical engineering.  Its funny though because they have to do background checks and one look at my background means someone else is a better candidate.  Heck I used to work for Harley-Davidson while I was in school. I saw they had a position open and pointed out the fact that I worked for them while I was in school and I know exactly how they operate.  They're not going to find a better candidate than me.  But yeah...they've selected someone more qualified for the job.  What the heck am I supposed to do? 

I'm starting to fall apart here. I should know that no one gets to know that I have boy parts unless I tell them.  But that's precisely the problem.  I can only half way function like I ought to.  And why should anyone envy my position?  Being young and poor isn't all its cracked up to be.

You think people get rich overnight, possible if you win the lottery but not probable, most people have to eek out a living, times are tough now, the labor market is tough, but you can find a job, I have been down to my last penny more times then i can remember but i did what it took and didnt give up.  Eventually after 6 months someone hired me, ironically its the first time i applied as a woman, and its an Information Technology job, a male dominated field.  For years i struggled, i work 2 jobs, and if guess what, if I had to i would work 3 to make SRS a reality.   Thats how much I want it.  Do you want it the same amount? if thats true then get whatever job you can, it doesnt have to be the best.  If no jobs are in your area, move. 

My degree is in Information Tech, i worked as an administrative assistant, a clerk at a store for minimum wage, whatever it took as long as it was something to help me reach my goal.  Also the good thing about working multiple jobs, is your too busy to be depressed and you just pass out when you get home, but at least your working toward your goal.  Right now i work 2 full time salary jobs.  I have no weekdays, all i have is lunch breaks, and weekends.  Somehow i also find the time to work out 4x a week, cook breakfast, lunch, and dinner for my fiance.  It took me a long time to get this far but i made it, sure their were times i felt like you and wanted to give up, everyone does, their are times i was crying that i was a freak and just wanted to die, but i never gave up hope that if I try hard enough it will work out in the end and it did. 

Young and poor... really... i wish i was where you are now, you even have an education... omg... do you even understand that i would trade places with you in an instant.  I lost 14 years of my life, gone, talk about depressing considering how wonderful it is now, and i missed all that by waiting... Trust me, i will take young and poor to my 14 years lost anyday, i mean i would have 14 years more to catch up... i bet i could do it in 2, and so can you.
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Randi

Maddie, You have so much going FOR you-don't give up now. Most if not all of us here have had times when we wanted to give up and/or end it all. I have decided that I might not be well off financially but I have worth and want to live. Keep yourself busy like Izumi has done so you don't have so much time to think about what bothers you. Do something to help someone else and find the satifsfaction that comes from that. Do anything but dwell on what bothers you.
Randi
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Maddie Secutura

It's not that I'm dwelling on the surgery.  I know that's just one aspect of all this.  What bothers me the most is all the lies of omission I have to make every day.  Is my life better than it was before transition?  It's gotten easier in some ways but in others it's much harder.  For one thing I can't seem to get it into my head that anyone would actually ever love me.  I'm not saying that as a "oh poor me" sort of thing but just that it's hard for me to understand because I don't even love me.  I just don't.  I don't understand what I have going for me because at this point my education is nothing but a liability as now I'm stuck paying for it and my age means there's just that much more life I have to get through.   I work in a restaurant for not very much money and no benefits.  That's not cutting it at the moment.  Two full time salaried jobs would probably be a nice distraction I have to admit.  It's not for want of trying that I don't even have one.  Try as I might I can't seem to land the job that my education supposedly qualifies me for.  Of course I'm frustrated.  I'm sick of being told, "No, you're not as qualified as this guy over here" or being ignored completely.  When I get right down to it, it's not even about the surgery, ok maybe partly about that.  What frustrates me the most is that I need to be successful if I'm to have any shot at getting what I should have been born with and for whatever reason (probably the stupid M on my license) I keep getting shot down.


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tekla

We have an unemployment rate around 27%, perhaps even more as the gov fudges the stats, particularly in an election year.  What that means is that it's not just you, but pretty much one out of every four persons that can't find real work.  (While the people who still have jobs are making a record amount of money, hence the 'recovery' on paper.)  I'm sure that many of those people have ME degrees, and lots of experience and a track record of success and accomplishment they can point to, in any hiring situation experience trumps degree any day, everyday.

Try for a job that you're overqualified for.  It's the new American way.
FIGHT APATHY!, or don't...
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Izumi

Quote from: Maddie Secutura on October 26, 2010, 10:38:28 PM
It's not that I'm dwelling on the surgery.  I know that's just one aspect of all this.  What bothers me the most is all the lies of omission I have to make every day.  Is my life better than it was before transition?  It's gotten easier in some ways but in others it's much harder.  For one thing I can't seem to get it into my head that anyone would actually ever love me.  I'm not saying that as a "oh poor me" sort of thing but just that it's hard for me to understand because I don't even love me.  I just don't.  I don't understand what I have going for me because at this point my education is nothing but a liability as now I'm stuck paying for it and my age means there's just that much more life I have to get through.   I work in a restaurant for not very much money and no benefits.  That's not cutting it at the moment.  Two full time salaried jobs would probably be a nice distraction I have to admit.  It's not for want of trying that I don't even have one.  Try as I might I can't seem to land the job that my education supposedly qualifies me for.  Of course I'm frustrated.  I'm sick of being told, "No, you're not as qualified as this guy over here" or being ignored completely.  When I get right down to it, it's not even about the surgery, ok maybe partly about that.  What frustrates me the most is that I need to be successful if I'm to have any shot at getting what I should have been born with and for whatever reason (probably the stupid M on my license) I keep getting shot down.

Well i think i am with you there, i feel the same way, sucks doesnt it.  You need to meet financial requirements to live as yourself, while everyone else can just walk around oblivious to what they have, you feel it the hardest when you dont have money and have to decide whether you want to eat for 3 days or get your hormone shot (yeah i been there).  You think, why is it so damn hard, shouldn't this be a lot easier?  Well, i came to the understanding that everyone faces challenges, and actually we got it a lot easier compared to the rest of the world, its a matter of perspective, even though it doesnt make you feel better either way knowing other people are suffering more then you, and you are as well rarely does. 

All i can say is keep going, dont quit, i have been exactly where you are, i mean exactly, people more qualified 2nd, 3d interviews then nothing.  Once i got hired, then the company said, sorry, we cannot hire you because the mainland company said we had to freeze hiring.  Thats after i spent some money celebrating... great, thanks for letting me know the day before my orientation...  The only thing i can say is that it gets better as long as you dont give up, if you fail dont make it be for lack of trying, for me as long as i have strength left in my body i will keep fighting for what i cherish.  The good news is, if you make it through this, you will be a stronger person, a more confident person, and everything else seems like childsplay.  I mean to successfully fully transition from male to female or the other way around, if you can do that, their is not much the world can throw at you that you wont be able to handle.
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