I had a bit of a break down yesterday, and being my family, this is the only time we hear what we actually think of each other.
So, apparently, she thinks that gay men and gay woman don't choose to be gay, that there born like that, but transgender people, on the other hand DECIDE to be like they are. Then she told me to snap out of being so depressed all the time (which I'm not, it just happened to be a downer day) because I have to get used to being alone in the world. She told me that it was going to be my fault for my brother being messed when he's older, and that I am a freak. She than went on asking if i wanted to be MISS popularity, i shouldn't dress the way i dress ( I don't want to be popular, I just want someone to really talk to, someone to fill that empty spot that just wont go away) putting the emphasis on "miss". She's been using SHE and DAUGHTER and LITTLE MISS more and more to refer to me more than ever before. She continually tells me that I should "girl-it-up" for the next few years, just till I'm out of high school which i've told her again and again, I am NOT willing to do. I'm not going to waste my teenage years trying to be normal.
She's always reminding me how hard its going to be, being like "that" (she won't say transgender) which i already know. Worst of all, she says she would've known if I was like this, that i've never been the least bit boy-ish when i was younger (Which she is wrong, most of my friends were guys, I always played a guy in our stupid games, I liked to wrestle, I hated dolls, action movies were my favorite, and I disliked all the girly Disney movies. She thinks I've created this out of nowhere. She thinks I'm only doing this 'cause I thought i was fat, and had low self esteem, when really thats only because I was uncomfortable with my body in the first place.
I'm sick of this, I try and be good, but in the end, it always ends up with a fight, always with me being the brat child. As if its not bad enough that I can't cry or show my feeling when I'm feeling uber depressed, cause that makes her feel like a bad mother, which is somehow my fault, now I get my emotions bashed down too. No wonder I've developed this dumb complex where I'm afraid to cry.
Am I not allowed to voice how alone i feel?
Of course she apologized later on. I hate my mother, but I guess it could be worse. The only reason I put up with living with her is cuz of the gold digger inside of me (I think I get it from my dads side). I need cash to go to university, to later on pay for hormones if i can guilt her into it. I'm a horrible person, but frankly, I don't really care anymore.
Jut needed to vent.
