I'm Alia. People call me Ryan still, and that's fine. That will probably continue to be my name that knew me before transition.
My newer name comes from the St. Alia of the Knife of the Dune novels by Frank Herbert. She is a character of noble grace, beauty, deadly intellect and insight. She simultaneously embodies internal terror and confrontation, and pure natural femininity.
So let's see. What's my story?
I grew up, not regrettably, a very curious boy. I did boy things and loved them for the most part. I rode mountain bikes, grew up skiing in the cascade mountains, played guitar in all sorts of bands, sucked at sports with balls in them, and generally had a pleasant childhood.
I was, however, subject to great internal struggle throughout my memories. I remember distinctly asking myself when I was very, very young "why I was me?" I always had intense dysphoria with my body. It wasn't that I knew I should have been born a girl like some trans women experience- it was more a strong feeling of unease with the fact that I was the way I was.
This lead to depression and rumination. "What is wrong with me?" "Why can't I be happy when I have so much?" I always felt like I was very in touch with myself spiritually. At least I was asking fundamental questions about my own existence. Discovery starts with curiosity.
I prayed and meditated for love to save me. Surely if I found the right woman I'd be cured of this intense need for the approval of others to validate my place in the pantheon of men. I was a strong skier, a mountain man. I climbed hard, biked hard and played hard.
Then she came! Her name is Molly. We were wonderful together. She climbs like I do. She skis like I do. We played hard together and grew to expect a life together. A family of meditators, yogis and skiers molded in our own images and genetics.
This future was wonderful in my minds eye. Yet when I projected myself into these hypothetical realities I didn't see myself. In all my dreams, waking and sleeping, I was an eyeless ghost. Where the fire of ones soul lies exposed to the world there was an eternal blackness. I saw myself as a caricature of those men in my life that I admired and imitated.
Because it was always imitation. It was as if of these things I had gendered masculine were coming both from a place of honest passion for the outdoors and the internal spiritual journey, and also from a place of presented masculinity. It acted as an artificial shield or a plume of false feathers on a turkey's chest that clothed, buried and eventually massacred my naked feminine soul that lie dormant underneath.
So there I was. The perfect relationship. The perfect job. The perfect future in front of me... and I would have none of it.
In my meditation I came upon a piece of insight- I coddled, and had coddled throughout my life- a sense of deep animosity and hurt toward the outside world. I was sharp and prickly when people got to close. I lashed out and tore deep gouges in the emotional flesh of friends and families alike when they came close to finding the feminine soul my daemon had killed and buried in the woods. There she lie, underneath a planted tree. Buried so deep that no one could know.
But then she woke up.
You cannot kill your soul. Your soul is nothingness. It cannot be destroyed.
This animosity I held so close- this was the key! This is the reason for all those knots. I had to unlock what I had buried.
When intellectual and internal wisdom collide and become one, then one experiences the understanding and observation of truth.
I watched a youtube video of a girl's transition, and I knew.
"That's me."
Since then I've quit my job, and roved the west coast rock climbing and meditating. I've explored the foundations of my identity, and my oh my... am I a woman!
I'll be living in Portland for the next few years, focused on my inward journey to root out craving and aversion from my brain. As I transition it will be a pure action, from the pit of my naked soul.
I'll be rock climbing and ski mountaineering, playing guitar and doing yoga, but from a pure place now. These actions are no longer reactions.
After all, there is no weakness or greatness in femininity or masculinity as long as they come from a place of pure action, compassion and wisdom.
May all beings be liberated! May all beings feel joy, love and peace!
-Alia
...
A quick aside-
If any of yall are trans and rock climbers, skiers, or mountain people of any type, hit me up. I'd be way into starting a Queer mountain sports group a la Homo Climbtastic or Flame and Flash here in the Pacific Northwest. If you're not a climber, skier, yoga person or meditator hit me up and I'll teach you the basics!
I look forward to meeting and sharing my journey with all of you.
Peace and Love,
Alia
