I wrote in a previous post that I was going to tell my best friend that i was trans.We went to the movies and afterwords I brought up my depression and me being suicidal.But you guessed it I punked out.I only got up to my wanting to die and she asked me why and I couldn't get it out.She said she was mad that I never told her ,and that would have been the perfect moment except a woman sat next to us and I was already nervous.I decided to email her this.
Tiffany
When you asked me why I wasn't happy I knew but was afraid to tell you and that lady was sitting too close.I'm still terrified of your reaction.The truth is I've been depressed about my life since I was about 11.The reason is that I've never felt an attachment to my body,I've never felt happy about it.For years I knew but yet didn't know why. Last summer the only reason I didn't kill myself was because I realized that I wasn't alone in feeling the way that I do.The truth is,I'm transgender.I know, I know, crazy right, your mouth probably just dropped to the
floor.As a child I liked playing basketball and baseball.I had action figures,I liked playing in the dirt and with bugs.I also liked playing with dolls and I desperately wanted long hair.I had a pretty good childhood considering my situation. I was jealous of girls because they were growing breast and starting their periods.I was jealous of the boys because they seemed so at ease with their bodies.I never felt like a girl in a boys body I just felt detached.I spent every night for 7 years,from 11 to 18, praying that god would either make me a normal boy or allow me to wake up a
girl.As you know I didn't pay much attetion to my apperance until about Junior year.That was part of the detachment I was talking about, I felt like I just needed to wait for god to do something about how I was
feeling.It was like waiting for a train that would never come,every birthday that passed by depresed me because it was another year that I had to feel the same way and it was another year I had to wait for
god.You know how crazy I am about The Sims and classic movies. These things were my escape from reality,I got off lucky a lot of other trans people killed themselves and/or got into heavy drugs.
It wasn't until Junior year that I decided to really try to be one of the guys.I started lifting weights ,buying nicer clothing and kept my hair cut close.I tried to forget the way I felt because according to our raising it wasn't natural or normal to feel the way I
did.It was the summer of graduation that things got hopeless for me.I felt like here I was 18,a legal adult,I have my whole adult life ahead of me and I don't care.That summer I realized that the way I felt wasn't just going to go away.I secluded myself more and more from friends and family, including you.I had finally realized that god wasn't going to change the way I felt.I didn't know then that I was trans, I just knew that I didn't feel normal and that I was tired of pretending to be the guy I was born to be.Everyday going past my front door meant pretending to be more masculine,it was like walking on a stage to perform daily,That's why I ditched school so much to go home .It was the one place I didn't have to pretend.I guess at this point your wondering about my sexuality.I'm more attracted to guys but I've only ever really liked girls so, yeah.Last summer I watched an episode of Oprah and and she had a transgender woman on her show.The woman wasn't wearing pounds of make up and she wasn't extra feminine,she didn't look like a man in drag, she was just a woman and seeing that made me question whether I was like her.I went to my doctor to see if he knew of any therapist who could cure me.I still wasn't ready to except myself as trans.I went from therapist to therapist and they didn't seem to know what to do with me.Nobody had any answers other than me being trans.There is so much more that I want to tell you but this is already too long.I just wanted to say that I love you,your basically my sister but I understand if you can't handle this it's a lot to deal with. If you still want to talk to me ,I'll talk to you later if not I love you and it's been fun.Goodbye.
What do you guys think?
