Hi Kyomi,
Please don't let yourself stress. I had the kind of childhood that should have put me in institutions like jail & rehab for the rest of my life, but I wouldn't allow that to happen to myself. I know now that I was being my own mother and forcing myself to make better decisions for myself. It wasn't easy at the time, but I guess I made it through and I'm sure you can too.
I bet your hope comes from your femininity and is an expression of you trying to mother yourself. Those of us who are fortunate to have this mechanism learn through hard experience that our femininity is a source of strength and wisdom and that it is a gift that out trumps all of our negatives.
When I was your age about 1000 years ago, we didn't have an internet. We all had to steal Playboy magazines from our fathers or whoever had them. Believe me, reading stupid Playboy magazine doesn't teach you anything about yourself. I thought that I would learn how to be a man because I didn't know how to be one and I didn't have anyone to explain it to me. Those old magazines were worthless. They would tell you to drink a martini and buy an expensive car that no ordinary person could afford anyway. Later it turned out that I'd never be a man because I'm a female. And, of course, Playboy and Penthouse magazines did not tell me that I could be a woman, so I had no idea until about 900 years later of what I had been going through.
The point of that Playboy thing is that you are fortunate to have more and better sources of information available to you than we did back then. You will do well if you allow your better nature to guide you and do not allow yourself to feel rushed into making any decisions. You have plenty of time to get to know yourself. The anxieties you have are nasty and I know they don't seem like they will get better, but you are not alone. A lot of us have been where you are, or, are there now. There will be a moment or a turning point for you where it will feel like you suddenly dropped a lot of baggage. You have support available to you that I could never have dreamed of in the form of excellent communities such as this one at Susans and in the form of GBLTI organizations you can call for assistance.
I understand what it is like to survive turmoil and instability during childhood. At some point, the immediacy of all that will be behind you; you will be the one with control over your own destiny. You will also find that the power behind the negative part of your life will no longer have power over you.
I hope I didn't go on too long. I only mean to be encouraging. If this post was overbearing or anything, feel free to let me know.
Peace,
Becky
