thoughts on being non op

[Samson99]

I was wondering if anyone would share their reasons for not going the op route, and how they feel about it. I'm afraid to get the operations. I worry that once I did, I would regret it, and that T would be very difficult to go through. I've heard a lot of different things about it. I really have to get a therapist, but I haven't because I'm worried about my mom finding out. I really truly feel like a man, but I'm afraid to go to the next step. I guess I want to know that I'm not the only one who has these fears and how other people deal with them.

[spacial]

I can give you some of mine, as a list. But I'm a little reluctant, firstly because some of these are quite painful, some make me just seem weird, some are unresolved, created corners which I lack the capacity to get out of.

Also, I am genitally a male.

1. My mother might think I was propositioning her.

2. My father would have another excuse for hating me.

3. My sister would think I was trying to be her equal or even her friend.

4. My brother might think it was open season to rape me again.

5. My Dr would think I was attention seeking and wasting his time.

6. Everyone I ever met would know and I would be a laughing stock.

7. Being a lonely man is better than being a loney girl. Lonely girls tend to be used as easy lays. I'm not a whore. Lonely men just get ignored.

8. People might think I was only doing it because I'm so despirate for friends, I am making myself into a whore.

9. I would get beaten up by people who like hiting girls and could claim I'm really a boy.

10. People with children will think I'm a pervert.

11. I will be ugly and smelly.

12. I might start thinking I'm evil again and an evil girl is a whore.

13. My girlfriend, (who is now my wife of almost 30 years), will leave me.

14. I'm scared, really scared. I am not scared to lose the ugly bits, I want that more than anything. I'm scared to be alone.

15. People might hate me.

Apologies if this is not what you wanted.

[Randi]

I can't because I am trying to keep my family from suffering unduly because of my condition. It does seem at times to be a futile effort but I still have a family that cares for me, a comfortable home and food to eat on a regular basis, and a job! If I did something about it now I would loose all of my security and my family would be devastated-so for now I can deal with the way I am-I am not happy but am secure.
Get a therapist and they should be able to help you find what it is you want and how to go about it while making you feel more secure about where you are right now.
Randi

[insideontheoutside]

This probably goes against the grain but for me personally I'm not about operating on an otherwise healthy body. And this type of SRS surgery besides having the regular risks of any surgery is of course a life-changing event. I know I wouldn't change my mind, but I don't feel I have to have it to be the person I know I am.

[spacial]

insideontheoutside

I think that's perfectly reasonable.

[insideontheoutside]

insideontheoutside

I think that's perfectly reasonable.

[Arch]

This probably goes against the grain but for me personally I'm not about operating on an otherwise healthy body.

I'm with Spacial. You have to live in a way that is right for YOU. I may not understand why you have made this choice, but I respect it.

Samson, I put off transition for years, and other people choose non-op as a way of life that works for them. It sounds more like you haven't made a firm decision yet.

I hope you get what you need.

[Samson99]

Everyone on here is so awesome. Yeah, I guess you could say it's that. Every once in a while, I'll just wish that I just felt okay in my body, and didn't want to change. I try to be okay with being a girl, and sometimes I really am. But for the most part, it really irks me. I just don't know what will make me feel more like myself besides trying to take it day by day and doing what feels right at the time.

[Arch]

Samson, some people, like me, can go an extremely long time without any kind of medical transition. It's a struggle, and we hate living that way, but we're able to keep going. Then we hit a maximum saturation point and need to do something NOW.

This frequently happens when we're not able to be honest with ourselves.

I get the impression that you are on a different track entirely. You might be unaware of certain things that are going on behind the scenes, and you might not be sure of what you want to do, but you know what the fundamental problem is, and you're not making any sudden decisions. You might need quite a bit of time to figure things out.

I had lots of reasons for not transitioning. First I thought I was a sicko perv, and I was scared to death by the idea of transition. Then I started thinking seriously about transition, but the available literature indicated that I would be rejected for three reasons--two I could lie about or fudge; the other, not a chance--there was a heavy bias against gay trans men for a long time. And I had a great relationship and didn't want to jeopardize it.

Eventually, my relationship was the only real reason I didn't transition. When I finally got past that and was willing to risk my relationship--indeed, I felt that I had no choice because I was so desperate by then--I had to face personal fears.

Surgery was one of them. I didn't want to go under the knife. But I quickly got to the point where the fear was replaced by need. Once I had set up the date for top surgery, I mostly felt anticipation. Very little fear--a little nervousness. I just needed it so badly.

I can't say that it's good to get to that point. I got there by way of repression and denial. By then, I felt as if I had no options and simply HAD to have surgery, now now now. It was the same way with T.

I worked through most of this with my therapist and my then-new trans friends. And I did a lot of living one day at a time, one hour at a time, a few minutes at a time. When it's all you can do to just survive the day, something needs to change.

[Lacey Lynne]

@ insideontheoutside:

Makes perfect sense to me too.  Very reasonable.  I vaciliate between this opinion and wanting SRS/GRS.

@ spacial:

Would you believe I've had many of these very same fears myself?  The thought of everybody disliking me and hating me hurts beyond description.  This keeps me awake at nights.  I will lose my for-now wife eventually.  The marriage was never very good anyway, but we've been together for 20 years.  Ironically, right now, at least 3 women are interested in me.  One, I'm presently married.  Two, I'm trans.  Three, I'm transitioning.  Strike Three:  I'm out ... sigh.

@ Samson:

Man, you'd do well to find a good gender counselor and start therapy to sort these issues out.  All of us here truly wish for the very best for you.  Hope you can work it all out.  Really do.   

[Cindy]

For my 5 cents.
Transitioning is not a race nor does every individual feel the same. I think there are also levels of TG and none of them are wrong.  Our personal situations also affect our decisions.  We as individuals often give up things we want to do for the sake of people who depend upon us, or we are responsible for. Some of us are in so much pain we cannot cope with that.  I can see no reason for myself to have SRS, I would like to but it would be purely for aesthetic reasons. I will at some point have to live as Cindy full time, but this realisation has developed over the last few years, and has been influenced by people who I met at Susan's. I may lose an awful lot when that happens, so I need to be able to cope with the changes in my life.

I have to admit I have more friends since I came out, and no not just my friends here, but locally as well. I have TG and non-TG friends who want to see me, spend time with me socially, phone me and ask how I am. Prior to coming out the only time my phone rang was for nuisance calls. The only time I went out with 'friends' was the work christmas do.  We can lose a lot, we can lose everyone we know.

In the end what we do with our bodies and our minds is our choice. No one should ever try and talk someone into transitioning, in my experience most therapists take the opposite and try and talk you out of it if anything. 

But as I said it is our choice. There is no reason to do something you do not want to do. There is no 'I'm more TG than you because I've had this done' and the other extremes that I will not go into.

Be yourself Samson. It's a hard enough job being youself than trying to be someone you are not comfortable with.

Hugs
Oh, we all have doubts. Always.

Cindy