"Couldn't You Just Be Gay ?"

[A]

That's the best thing my father could tell me when we discussed my being a girl. I was a bit insulted, but also amused. It was kind of a funny reaction. No biggie. I was about to happily explain to him how clear the difference was... But my smile went away when he opened his mouth again.

"I mean, you want to f'ck men, right ? What's the difference ?"

I was kind of scandalized. Still, I'm a calm person. I said :

"Not necessarily. Gender identity and sexual orientation are not the same thing at all."

And he answered :

"What do you mean ?"

And I answered :

"I just mean I'm not rejecting anything until..."

And he cut me saying :

"What ? So basically you want to be f'cked in the ass in one side and f'ck a girl in the other ?"

After that I switched to hypocrite-smile mode and ended the conversation nicely. But seriously. The fact that he gains 100 000$ a year while letting me be poor, that he didn't want me to be born and many other things have never made me respect him much, but seriously, how much of a jerk can he be ?

I'm really tired of him. I don't even care about explaining anything to him now.

I don't hate him and I rarely (never) ever hate anyone, but my respect for him has fallen lower than a rapper's pants.

[Semi-censored words to counter the automatic censorship, but he truly did use the real harsh words.]

[Summerfall]

I'm sorry. That's a really terrible response to hear from anyone, and to hear it from your father must be awful. You don't deserve that kind of treatment.

[Janet_Girl]

My ex use to tell me, "Why don't you just admit you're gay?".

She never could understand what I was wanting until I went full time and was finally getting happy.

Maybe you could get him a copy of "True Selves" by Mildred L. Brown

[Samantha_Peterson]

My mom told me after I came out to her "This would be so much easier if you were just gay"

I never replied to that...

[A]

Well, I have often thought that way too. Gay people usually don't have to deal with as much trouble as we do. It would indeed be simpler if I were gay. But it's not like such things can ever be controlled.

It's also a way to flee reality. "If only..."

Anyway, thanks for the support. I also feel such a reaction is not even excusable for "having trouble understanding". Sounds like a nazi's reaction, minus the gun.

[Nicky]

omg, what horrible language to hear from your dad!

Hugs!

[Cindy]

Sorry and Hugs for the response from your dad.

Most people do not have a clue about gender.

Cindy

[V M]

Allot of folks don't understand the difference between gay and transgendered people and trying to explain it to them can be a challenge... Especially if they are set in their ways

Most folks that are not educated in transgender stuff just throw us all in the same bin and label it gay because it is beyond their comprehension and they don't want to be accepting or learn about it

It's hard for folks to wrap their brain around something that they don't accept to begin with so they become obstinate and rude

Sorry how it went with your dad

*HUGS*

[Asfsd4214]

To be honest, I don't understand how some people have so much trouble grasping it.

I guess a lot of people only consciously think of gender in terms of orientation.

Though, the concept of being trans to AVOID being gay is something I understand even less.

Who in their right mind thinks it is EASIER to be trans than to be gay? 

[spacial]

Had similar conversations. Not about myself, but on the subject.

It's sad that some people can't think of relationships without some sexual content.

I recall, after I had a similar conversation, thinking afterward, that I could have turned the conversation onto their marriage and asked if the only reason they got married was for sex.

On a more mordant note, I thought of brining up the old chestnut of whether gay men do indeed want to be f'cked in the ass .

The presumption always seems more telling about the claimant. But since this is your dad, perhaps not.

[Rosemary]

What a horrible reaction is that.  We do face this absence of unterstanding often but to hear it from your own father is very hard to swallow. I hope you can find comfort in the knowledge that he is the one who is wrong and not you.

[niamh]

Yah. I have had that reaction too. But I thought you liked girls? *headbang*

[JasminB]

Had that exact line said to me by Mum too....although her friends accept me for being gay she has told me she worries about their views on transsexuals. I think it stems back to being a house wife that never worked & focused hard on raising two kids which means if one turns out 'wrong' its her fault(obviously not in reality of course). Shes coming around to the fact that she just wants me to be happy though

[caitlin_adams]

My Mum was like 'I thought you might be gay, but this, this I didn't expect' (in a nice yet genuinely surprised way).

Then 'are you sure you're not gay, that might be easier for you'. She wasn't pushing me away from being transgendered, she was simply worried for me and how hard it would be.

I miss her so much (she passed away a year ago).

[azSam]

I'm so sorry to hear you're having a hard time. Even with my own supporting family I've had to deal with similar discussions. My mother simply assumed that my boyfriend must be gay. I've had to explain that he is straight and is simply into girls. She went on to mention the obvious fact that I still have a penis, I just went, "and?"... Over the course of the long conversation I helped her realize how he can be straight and still be my boyfriend.

I've also struggled with the idea of, "maybe I'm just gay", when I first came to terms a couple of years ago. After lots of self-questioning, and long, sleepless, thought-filled nights, I am now sure that I am not "just gay". It just doesn't fit. Although I believe my sexual orientation and my gender identity have nothing to do with each other, the line between them can still be blurred.

A lot of people tend to think that we transition with the goal of sex in mind. And while that may be a goal, it's not the only one, and it's certainly not the main one. We just need to exhaustively explain the difference. It gets tiresome, but the payoff is worth it.

[Rock_chick]

My mom told me after I came out to her "This would be so much easier if you were just gay"

I never replied to that...

I got that as well.

Being me I replied with "Well I am...I'm a lesbian".

[niamh]

I got that as well.

Being me I replied with "Well I am...I'm a lesbian".

Trans AND GAY!? Brain overload.....

[Northern Jane]

Back in the early 60's it was REALLY tough to get through to even the professionals that it had little to do with sex (the act) and a whole lot to do with me living with ME.

In helping set up the gender program at a major hospital (circa 1970) one of the questions I suggested to the psychiatric group was:

"If you were going to live the rest of your life on a desert island and never see another human being, would you still want to go through the pain and difficulties of having surgery?"

It gets to the heart of "for whom" and "why".

[justmeinoz]

I think if I was young and going through all this I would chicken out and say I wanted to be a nun, so people would get the idea that sex didn't enter into it.
I could then spend hours on religious discussions instead, and bore them stupid.

[JennX]

If it were only that simple...   

He's not even touching on the whole metal aspect and self-perception issue which is the major difference.