Hi everyone,
I'm currently 33, and just now starting to address the question of whether or not I should transition. It's not that I haven't felt like a girl inside since I was a very young child, but just that I've suppressed it so deep inside for years. When I was about 25 I came out to my girlfriend as transgender, and promised to work through it slowly and thoughtfully. We got married about a year and a half after I came out, and I've been doing just that. I've seen therapists off and on, taking steps forward little by little to see if I feel 'better' at that stage. First stage, just accepting myself as trans, and being open about it with my wife. Second step being more open about it with close family. Next adding Spiro and Avodart to lower testosterone and see if it helps. And that's where I am today, and I can honestly say that while I can definitely say I'm in a better state of mind than I was at the start (where I thought I might need to end my life), that my gender dysphoria has not gone away or gotten easier. It's pretty much the same.
I've been on the Avodart for about a year and a half, and the Spiro for just over 6 months now (under the care of my doc). I've noticed a slight decrease in libido and spontaneous erections (that sort of thing), but not much. Not enough to make me feel better. So I've reached out for an initial appointment with a therapist who comes highly recommended, and hopefully will see her soon.
There's these three tracks of thought running through my head though that I wanted to share with you all and get any advice or feedback you might have.
First, there's this line of thought with all this life experience and feelings behind it saying "of course you're a girl, the longer you wait the harder it will be - just transition." It's a fairly standard story of asking for a doll from my parents for Christmas, playing house with the girls at recess (until I got made too much fun of), and then repressing for years but having my heart sink as I went through puberty etc. Praying every night to somehow be able to be a girl without hurting my parents, every birthday wish, etc. Non interest in sports, hating group showers and the gym, hiding my privates when masturbating or even in the shower etc. Being 'jealous' of girlfriends in addition to loving and being attracted to them - and the daily thoughts of being in the wrong body and how much more comfortable I'd feel as a girl. When I think about this transition is inevitable.
But there are also doubts in my mind that come up despite all the above. Like, what if I'm not really more girl than boy, and when I transition I'll feel like I've gone too far to the other side of the spectrum. Or what if I just like feminine sexuality and it's a kind of fetish for me that drives me to want to experience being female sexually? Certainly I've always fantasized about being the female whenever in any kind of sexual act - being the guy role just doesn't fit me well, and has limited my sex life through the years. Basically I just have doubts of "maybe there's some deeper reason that you don't yet realize that's making you THINK that transition is the only answer, but it could be dealt with in another way." Of course, I wanted to be a girl as a child even before I knew about sex or anything like that - but these doubts remain.
Lastly there's the consequences of my choice. Like real fears about how it might affect my relationship with my wife, putting her in the position of being seen as a 'lesbian' when that's not what she signed up for (even though she went into the relationship knowing transition was a possibility). She doesn't know how she'll feel when/if I transition - so that's up in the air as something that she needs to work through too. There's the affect it might have on loss of many of my conservative friends, and how it might affect friendships that my family members have with others. And the consequence to me as well - right now I work part time doing consulting work for companies and get health care through my wife. But if I lose that income it could be really difficult for me to continue transition, or have to find work if I was only half way done with the transition or something. And of course, there's the questioning of if I'm truly ready myself to have my role change. I've played the role of 'boy' so long that even though I don't like it it's familiar to me. Even though transitioning is exciting, it's also an unknown for me, and that is scary. And then I really worry "will I even pass". "will I even be an acceptable looking person", "will I exchange one hard life, for another if people don't accept me?"
Anyway, these are my three trains of thought, and I just feel confused and scared to be facing this now. But I just don't know where else to go at this point other than deal with the transition issue. I don't want to keep putting this off and then just decide at some later point in life to transition and wish I had dealt with this sooner. I'm tired of living with regrets, but I want to be sure I don't make a mistake that also causes regrets. It's so hard (as many of you all know).
I feel good to have started electrolysis, and good that I'm going to see someone to start working through the specific question of transition. So I am making slow progress, but when I feel like I'm not taking steps forward I get kinda down.
I am really glad this community is here, and I'm sure I'll have many more questions and thoughts along the way to share.
