3 years transitioning and still cant come out

[Zoi]

Can u imagine it i cant come out even though every thing is so obvious every one is acting like there is nothing wrong and im normal no one is brave enough to tell me why or what which kinda irritates me.

i tired to give my mom hints alot of times she simply ignores and say i brought it to my self i choose to be me and m like mom are kidding me!!!!! things been this way ever since i was a kid i didnt bring anything and she will be like its just imaginations plus ur already an unattractive boy so make up will jst make it worse  yes im the ugly duckly in my moms eyes.

So the reason why  cant say anything straight forward is that :

1- Mom has blood pressure problems and i dont wanna be the one causing her a stroke (cause she loves drama she will start one heck of a drama act ending with her at hospital)

2- my dad dont even care boy or girl as long as im alive .

3-coming out to my brother would be crazy cause he laterally tired to kill me once when he thought im gay.

im out to friends and my sister and relatives but my family tend to act like there is nothing going on..

any way to put thing straight with out causing any Health damage to mom.

im 3 years on HRT got my referral letter and everything is done except for stubborn dear mom.

[lilacwoman]

Do you have any reports from therapists that you can show to your mother so she knows you need to transition now?

Your sister and friends knows so bite the bullet and come out and you'll probably find that things go better than you imagine and if your mother starts doing a drama queen act just tell your dad to calm her down while you go for a walk to let the stress blow away. 

You don't ever have to speak to your unaccepting brother ever again.

Alternatively you have to do like lots of others do and did and stay in the closet and be miserable.

[justmeinoz]

Perhaps it's time your Mum started to show the same concern for you as you do to her.

Is it really likely she will have a stroke?  If she is that fragile, maybe she should be in hospital already.

Your father will be happy as long as you are alive. See 3 also- time for brother to take the blame , not you.

Did you have your brother arrested for attempted murder?  Realistically, brother or not, you should have.  A crime is a crime, and if he makes threats to kill  that is a criminal offence in a lot of places too. 

[spacial]

1- Mom has blood pressure problems and i dont wanna be the one causing her a stroke (cause she loves drama she will start one heck of a drama act ending with her at hospital)

It's understandable that you are concerned about this. An decent human would be concerned about causing such a thing to anyone, but to your mum, this is a terrible burdon.

You won't cause a stroke.

If your mom has a stroke it will happen anyway. If it does, it isn't the time for anyone to start blaming themselves. There's nothing to blame. It's how she is made, and you for that matter!!

Strokes are largely heriditory. I say this because most people who have them have a family history, just as most people with cancer or heart disease, have a family history. People can get any disease without a family history of course.

In both sides of my family, almost everyone who doesn't die in an accident, dies, in their 70s, from a stroke.

[Carlita]

Perhaps it's time your Mum started to show the same concern for you as you do to her.

Is it really likely she will have a stroke?  If she is that fragile, maybe she should be in hospital already.

Your father will be happy as long as you are alive. See 3 also- time for brother to take the blame , not you.

Did you have your brother arrested for attempted murder?  Realistically, brother or not, you should have.  A crime is a crime, and if he makes threats to kill  that is a criminal offence in a lot of places too.

Are you familiar with the therapeutic/psychological concept of 'inappropriate parenting'? Essentially, this is when parents try to make their children feel responsible for their (the parents') feelings. Like a mom who says to a child, 'Look how you upset me,' or a dad who says, 'I wouldn't have to work so hard if it wasn't for you.'

The point is, parents are supposed to bear the responsibility for their own feelings and their own decisions and they should not make their kids take responsibility which is not appropriate.

It sounds as tho that is what your mum is doing here ... and it's not fair.

I have some personal experience of the strain a child can cause. One of my children had a very, very serious psychiatric condition - she was sick for two years, hospitalized for five months and very nearly died - which also had very serious effects on all the rest of the family as we tried to deal with it. She was beside herself with guilt for the harm she felt she had done to us. We always, always, always told her not to feel at all guilty. It was not her fault that she had been ill. We were her parents. We loved her and we would always stand by her.

Now she is - touch wood - recovered and we are all still standing too ...

You are no different to my daughter. You did not choose your gender incongruity any more than she chose her condition. It's just who and how you are. And it is for your mother to come to terms with that and love you regardless.

So be yourself ... that is your fundamental human right, the one right that matters more than any other ... and trust me, you will not harm your mother by being honest unless she chooses to let herself be harmed ...

[Carlita]

PS: If that is you in your profile pic you are certainly NOT an ugly ducking! 

[JennX]

At some point you have to stop living for everyone else, and just live for yourself. It is your life after all. Be happy.

[MyKa]

I'm so sorry to here this. I feel your pain, going on 2.5 years into transition and only a hand full of people know. I wish the best of luck and that all turns out well.

[alia]

Oh darlings, my heart goes out to you. I hope all goes well in coming out.

My coming out experience has been insane, wonderful and difficult. I really wouldn't want it any other way. Hopefully yours will inform the world about you, and inform you about the nature of the world.

In the end, it's worth it. Live for today.

Alia

[Zoi]

Will i have showed her all my reports and even my srs letter approval and she was like i dont care what a doctor have to say ur a boy live with it and all the bla bla hurtful stuff we usually here .
i was like mom open your eyes i didnt play with boys at all all my friends in my childhood were girls i even took all my sisters barbies and she was like will you were a kid and exploring ,then i told her then why do people look at me ever since i was a teen when we go to malls they are seeing what u don't want to believe  and she was like no they are looking at you cause your eye brows are too thin for a man ahhh its so  frustrating to make her open up her eyes . my therapist is even closer to me than her i never told her i was raped and sexually harassed in my teen years cause i didnt trust the way she will re act and im sure she will blame me and the way i look.

its completely hard to make her understand that ill never be a man i never was and never want to be , i tired just to make her accept me and it didnt work i felt like im a hypocrite .

it might sound crazy but what she is doing to me makes me cry every single night just wondering why wont she accept me she knows the truth she knows i wasn't like any other boy when i was young even my sister said that to mom she told her that this is me ever since she can remember and she responds you and ur brother are living in a bubble and believing what you want to believe .

i didnt report my brother cause i live in saudi arabia and here people like me have 0% rights if i report him i might get jailed for the crime of being me lol sounds crazy but true.

[lilacwoman]

Hi Zoi.
Saudi?  OMG! No wonder life is so hard on you.

But sex change is done in Saudi.

Contact this Dr Jamal and ask him for help.
And he follows the line of us being interesex rather than transsex which fits well with your life history.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/middle_east/3814041.stm

Good luck and keep trying.

[annette]

hello there

I read your story and the only thing i couls think on was trying to move out of arabia.
In europe they have rules to accept people from the middle east as a legal immigrant because of being gay or transgender.
special in the netherlands, it's cold, raining, overcrowded but not to bad over there
we do know that people will be killed or proscecute and sometimes tortured because of the way they are.

you have the right to be how you are and to be happy.

i wish you strenght and wisdom

with love

annette

[alyssa24]

Zoi, worry less about your family but more about living and working and functioning as a TS in society.

[Fencesitter]

Hi Zoi,

your family situation sounds kind of difficult, and living in Saudi Arabia surely doesn't help here. I'd suggest you move out of that country, even Iran is much cooler when it comes to trans people, or, if you don't want to deal with Shiite mullahs and learning Persian language, choose Kuwait, Egypt etc. where people and laws are somewhat more relaxed. Cannot give you much advice here as my knowledge about Arabian countries is very limited, I only know they're very different from each other, and very interesting and amazing cultures as well but mostly not good places to live for transsexuals, or easy to live as a woman at all. Women sometimes don't get objectified as offensively in Arabian as in Western countries with their advertising etc., but they usually have less rights there than men. I think Saudi Arabia was one of the places where it's illegal for trans people to even exist, or did I mix that up with another country?

I'm not sure if asking for asylum in a Western country is such a good idea. You might get treated badly in Europe for being an Arab, esp. since September 11 and the World Economy Crisis. Europeans tend to neither respect nor like Arabian folks. Depends on the country, region and city, though, how harsh it can get. And Saudis tend to be more respected than Arabians from poor countries as it's a rich country (yes, that's a shame for Europe, but that's how things work here). So get good information beforehand. Maybe it's a good advice in general, but for Europe - take care where you're going to apply for asylum, and consider transgender and naturalisation laws. Or maybe you can find a solution how to live in Saudi Arabia as a transsexual, so you can keep together with your family?

Well as a base for my advice, I just assume that you love and respect your family and hold them dear. If this is not the case, ignore my advice.

So the reason why  cant say anything straight forward is that :

1- Mom has blood pressure problems and i dont wanna be the one causing her a stroke (cause she loves drama she will start one heck of a drama act ending with her at hospital)

I understand that. Could you ask her to take anti-stroke medication before you talk to her? Maybe she has some of that stuff at hand. Instead, you can also drop hints first instead of coming out with the full truth at once, but come out piece by piece instead. Telling her piece by piece how unhappy you are with your society's role expectations, your body etc. And always tell or show her you love and respect her. She'll need to know you're her kid no matter what happens, and that you stay a reliable and loving child even if you change your body, and that you don't do it because you're a pervert, but because you're unhappy otherwise.

2- my dad dont even care boy or girl as long as im alive .

Sounds fine, seems to be a great dad, talk to him. However, try to "target" your mom, and keep making it clear to your dad you love and respect him in the meantime. Your mom seems to be the weak point here cause of her blood pressure. And hug your dad, he's great!

3-coming out to my brother would be crazy cause he laterally tired to kill me once when he thought im gay.

Okay, your brother's a big problem here. Either don't come out to him, or come out to him when friends etc. of you are present who can help you if he ticks out. Don't out yourself if he carries a weapon with him. Maybe your dad could help you here. If dad's present and tells your brother not to attack you, this might help.

Good luck, sister!

[Zoi]

i already planned my big run away from this hell gate contacted a great lawyer in Canada Toronto who gave me easy and clear steps to guide me on what should i do the moment i step foot there he even offered free help cause he knows how hard it is here

im just waiting to get my bachelor degree   cause it would be stupid to leave with out a high education level so i can get a job later

will its hard here but what doesn't kill you makes you better and i honestly can say that everything that happened to me made me a better person and made stronger and wiser in an early age which im thankful for.

about dr jamel he hate transsexuals he only helps intersex cases dont believe in GID at all i met him and his words were harsh he ven called police when he knew im not a girl i managed to leave quickly life here made me work extra hard on passing as female so i dont get into trouble i just cant wait the day i leave all this behind me and start a better life im 24 and been working on writing my autobiography hoping when i leave u can publish it maybe someone will find hope from my story someday or even just read it and be thankful that they didnt have to go through it

[Zoi]

and yup lol we not allowed to even exist 
i worked extra hard to pass as a female so i can live my life met alot of people who never knew what the heck am i till i told them  and surprisingly people are better than the government   almost 60%of the people who got to know me did accept me  they even think what im doing is brave .

will leaving to Canada will be much better cause its full of Arabs and since i dont have the funny accent ill just say im Indian LOL   since most people think im Indian or Brazilian ,being there will be better cause none of my family is gonna stay here my sister will go back to the usa cause she was born there mom will go too , my dad will leave to Malaysia  brother to France so in 2 years everyone will be leaving cause non of us got used to the closed mentality here and we only came back cause dad was relocated back here.

[lilacwoman]

Hi Zoi
Sorry about the Dr being so bigotted.
Stick to your studies until you get the degree then the world will open its doors to you.
Any chance you can get a grant or funding to go study overseas in a nicer country?