Eh, I just figured I'd put down what I'd like to do and see if anyone thinks I'm out of my mind, kay?
Okie, so I'm a genetic male. I've spent the short 21 years of my life as a male, going through with mild problems here and there. I remember from an early age feeling like I was supposed to grow up as female, however I did not and that was quite a drag. Nevertheless! We press on, of course. I haven't been a terribly masculine guy, I'm relatively weak, not aggressive, not competitive, not territorial, very yielding, and quite nice. However, I live in an area where gender roles are terribly static (I'm in the gulf coast of Mississippi) and the slightest bit of feminine behavior in a male triggers many to call you gay. Being called gay wouldn't bother me that badly but the next thing they'd do is start threats, followed by actual violence. I know rednecks around here that would seriously hurt or kill homosexuals. My father included.
On to what I'm doing about it. I identify currently as Androgyne. I cannot dress female, or even use my feminine voice (which dare I say is pretty good) in public. So my hopes of transitioning are null until I move away. However, testosterone still ravages my mind and body, driving me crazy with this insatiable sex drive, competitiveness, jealousy, and overall irritable feelings. I'm seeing a therapist and he does work rarely with Transgendered folk, but is not an expert. He's on the fence about sending me to get HRT, and it's a bit maddening. What kind of HRT do I seek? a simple program of Spiro (minimial amount) + a low dose of Estradiol (mainly for bone health). I'll remain on this program for as long as 4-5 years before going on the next step. This will slowly feminize me, VERY slowly. Slow enough to not set off warning lights from my dad, but fast enough for me.
In a year, I'll be going to a university for 2 or 3 years, then I'll get a job as a man, amass funds and build a parachute for myself. After a year or so of that...I'd go full-time and get a different job. After 5 years or so of mild HRT, I expect I will be able to pass easily, especially at my age (Starting HRT at 21 yields good results, no?).
I just get really anxious because I can't tell if I'm wasting my time with my therapist or if he'll cave in on the next visit. I'm also really scared that I won't successfully transition....Though like Janet Lynn says, fear is my motivation. I don't want to waste my life as the wrong gender, after all.
Thanks for reading, just wanted to put thoughts down somewhere. >_>
