ABOUT LAST NIGHT

[jamied]

We talked last night, then Judy shouted at me and I back at her, then we talked.  Again.

This is SO hard.  Especially on Judy.

She finally fell asleep from pure exhaustion about 6:00 a.m. and I wrote the following letter and put it on her vanity.

Judy,

I love you so much.

Last night you said you dread going to sleep because it means waking up each morning and facing trying to survive another day.  I too dread the morning; nearly every morning for the last month or so I wake up crying in fear, misery, guilt and panic;  What am I doing, I am so stupid, I am so afraid, I can't do this, I want my old life back, I can't do this to Judy, to us, to the kids and grand kids.

I have tried and tried to repress my feelings about my gender the last couple of years. Whatever the trigger was, it awoke something that had lain dormant in me.  I tried to placate it, with little things at first; wearing your clothes occasionally, shaving my body hair, the mani & pedi with my toes painted, the pierced ears and earrings, the desire to have long hair.  But as time passed what started out as an unsettled feeling of discomfort became a primordial urge that is totally consuming me. 

I don't know if, or how, I can turn it "off".  A part of me says "I want to, I WANT TO, I WANT TO ."

But in my head and my heart I don't. 

Last night you accused me of being selfish; and I am.  I have no right to ask you to stay with me (and I've been trying to prepare myself for the probability you won't), but I hope that somehow you can find the love and strength to do so.

I am truly so, so sorry for the pain I am causing you.

I love you now and will forever.

J

She has been really struggling since I told her in July that I need to transition totally and is undecided whether she will stay or leave.

I'll keep you posted.

[Izumi]

This is just something you have to accept BEFORE you transition, you have to expect it, because most of the time it does turn out that way.  If you dont accept it, your not ready.  I said this before a lot, but transition requires sacrifice, you have to accept the fact you can lose everything and expect to in exchange for a chance at an uncertain future...

On her side though she has a right to be angry and distraught, the woman believed you would be the one to help raise her kids and give her the life she wanted (support, safety, security, love) until old age, but she made that assumption with a person that didnt really exists, a fictional you, an actor playing a part... So yeah, in a way you deceived her into believing what you were was in front of her, and anyone would be upset over that.

My only advice to you is make her feel as comfortable as possible, say that you will continue to support her anyway you can whether she stay or leave, and if divorce is an option try and make it civil so that you can see your kids, appease her as much as possible, especially if you want to maintain a friendly relationship after a possible divorce.

[spacial]

Your mesage to your wife is lovely.

[Sandy]

That was a wonderful and touching letter.  It expressed your feelings very well.

And you probably know by now that there is no off switch.  I hope that in time your wife will come to the same conclusion as well.

Now, the next move is hers.  You can offer counselling and support, but if she has made up her mind, there is nothing to be done.

This is such a hard thing on everyone, I hope that your passage goes smoothly.

-Sandy

[Lacey Lynne]

@ JamieD:

Your letter to her is beautiful ... it REALLY is ... and, oh, so true ... SOOO true. 

Honey, I went through this same scene too with some variation but more the same than not.  You said it all to her so well ... so thoughtfully ... so sincerely.  The way you describe your condition's crescendo is so, so, so accurately true for many of us. 

There's NOTHING you can do to stop it, girl ... NOTHING!

Give her time.  She's going through Elizabeth Kubler-Ross' 5 stages of grief.  I went through all of this with my wife too ... nearly 2 years ago.  For now, we're economic apartment-mates.  Ultimately, we will go our separate ways.  It's so sad. 

If you have not done so already, I would highly recommend that you see a gender counselor and begin gender therapy working your way toward HRT.  Of course, the direction you want to go is up to you.  We're here for you.  Vent anytime.  We'll understand.   

[annette]

hi jamied

your letter is beautifull and descrive all of your feelings about the situation you 're in ride now.
It 's not your fault that you  have the feelings about your gender.
at the other hand, it's also not your wife's fault.
she had expectations, hope's and ideals when she married you.
these are all passed away now and off course that will give her fears and confusion.
you are hoping she stays with you but, she also had feelings and maybe she is straight and wants to be with a male.
it is a difficult situation and I hope the two of you can handle it.
stay on talking to eachother and respect eachothers feelings and if a divorce is inevitably, at least stay friends.
after all, you two have a long past in common.
the transgender feelings do not pass away but maybe you can find a way to handle it.
I will wish the both of you strenght and wisdom.

hugs
annette

[jamied]

The ONLY reason I have had any doubts about transitioning is that I will forever change my relationship with Judy and that pains me so.

We talked yesterday and she said she is willing to try (crazy woman that she is!)  I gave her a copy of The Challenge to a Wife to read. For those of you who haven't read this incredibly insightful article here's the link

http://www.beaumontsociety.org.uk/wobs/challenge.html

After she had a chance to read and reflect we talked for several hours;  first about her feelings, fears, hopes and concerns, and then mine.  We reached agreement on things, negotiated on others, and agreed to disagree on still others for now.  At the end of our talk we still don't know if at the end of my transition we'll still be married, but we reaffirmed our love and commitment for each other, wherever and however that might go.

Thank you all for your kind words of support and love. 

Jamie

[Debra]

I wish you the both the best girl. It's so very hard. My ex-wife and I were not able to resolve it without a divorce. We are now seeing other people and still talk to each other occasionally like 2 gfs .

Not sure how helpful it is but this is a video I made for her when I transitioned:

[spacial]

Jerica.

That was beautiful. Your ex is very pretty and expressive. I'm so pleased she has been able to restart her life again.

[Sandy]

The ONLY reason I have had any doubts about transitioning is that I will forever change my relationship with Judy and that pains me so.

We talked yesterday and she said she is willing to try (crazy woman that she is!)  I gave her a copy of The Challenge to a Wife to read. For those of you who haven't read this incredibly insightful article here's the link

http://www.beaumontsociety.org.uk/wobs/challenge.html

Thank you all for your kind words of support and love. 

Jamie

If you haven't seen it yet, another good book is "True Selves".  It is very insightful.  When I read it, it was like I was reading my own biograph.  It has insights for family, friends and co-workers.  It is a very good book.

I truly hope that things can work out for you, Jamie.  Though so many relationships dissolve.  Also realize that while you can compromise on time frames, you cannot compromise on goals.  Yes this is selfish.  For many, like myself, it was the very first selfish thing we had done in our lives.  Everybody else's need and wishes came before our own.  But if you are in this state, it is literally life or death.  Is it selfish to want to live?  This is hard, no one will say any different, but in perspective it is that critical.

I hope the best for you, hon!

-Sandy

[Sada]

bye

[jamied]

Sandy,

Thanks for suggesting True Selves. 

I've have done tons of research on the internet and read a lot of books trying to get as much insight into what lies ahead for me, most importantly, and also for Judy;

True Selves, She's Not There: A Life in Two Genders, Transgender Voices: Beyond Women and Men, Transitions - A Guide To Transitioning for Transsexuals and Their Families, She's Not the Man I Married: My Life with a Transgender Husband, Transsexualism: a Medical Retrospective.

Judy, at least as of now, refuses to even pick one up much less read it.   
Same with any of the internet sights.   

It's true that many relationships don't survive, but I'd like to think ours can.  I have to proceed with my transition, and I will with or without Judy by my side.  You are so right about being selfish (finally, for the first time in my life).  I always felt that my purpose on life was to make others happy at the expense of my own happiness.  Thank God I have been able to get past that!  It took 58 years, but I now love myself and am truly happy for the first time in my life.

Love

Jamie

[Debra]

Judy, at least as of now, refuses to even pick one up much less read it.   
Same with any of the internet sights.   

Yeah thats how my ex was too, of course she blamed books and internet sites for brainwashing me into being trans.......