"Were do I stand?" Is probably the worst feeling I have ever had. I am struggling to define myself, and I have no idea what I want.
Throughout my childhood, I have definitely felt more masculine, and wore boys clothing until I was twelve. My friends in preschool were boys until i went to an all girls school where I became absolutely antisocial and miserable. I later switched to a co-ed school and slowly began to manifest the social skills I had failed to acquire while feeling isolated in lower school. This included adopting feminine mannerisms so that I would be accepted by the majority, such as open affectinate-ness (both verbally and physically), voicing my emotions, and making myself far less aggressive than I would be normally. I wasn't interested in things other girls were interested in, and boys activities seemed and were much more fun.
I've also never been truly sure of my orientation. I clearly remember having my curiousity piqued on many occasions. I was also told that I should like boys, which I did, and that I should wait for a prince to rescue me and take care of me, which I immediately, even in some of my earliest memories, have always rejected. I could go on about orientation, but that's not really what this site is about anyway.
Someone recently told me that I am the kind of person, that, if something was shoved in my face enough, I would eventually conform to it. I'm afraid they might be right, as I am still completely unsure of my gender, and have spent so much time adjusting my person and mannerisms to social norms that I am afraid that they are ingrained in me forever. It's really crushing to have to even acknowledge that. I don't know what I would be if society hadn't been pressing me down the entire time, and that's the struggle. I feel so lost. I have no idea who I am or what I feel like I want to be. Everyone has been telling me I'm a female, when I have always and still do despise the gender binary, and I don't really know what I feel like any more.
This is also entirely sexist, for which I apologize, but I have always prefered the mens' section. It makes so much more sense to me, for my person. But now I've gone from being afraid of wearing female clothing to being afraid of looking "butch" as my mother puts it. I hate it when she says that, so much.
And then on some days, I'm fine with and enjoy wearing female clothing.
It's just a constant feeling of being boxed in and afraid and depressed and isolated because you don't know where to go.
Sorry for the formal speech, but it's just easiest to get myself across this way. Also, wow, it's super lame that I had to have like five paragraphs explaining what I just said in one sentence.
Does anyone/has anyone had the same problem? I'm certain that even some of the most plain FtMs or MtFs have had trouble adjusting some of their mannerisms, I hope my words aren't such a hopeless mess that people can at least tell where I'm coming from.
