Encountering other transsexuals.

[alia]

I often think I have phenominal trans-dar, but I've never made an attempt to check and see. I saw a girl on the bus once that I was sure was trans. I though about asking her if she knew who Dr. Harry Benjamin was.

[Alyssa M.]

I'm sorry.  I didn't mean to imply anything like that.  Really, I just meant to point out that when you approach a stranger about something personal, it is often taken as an insult, for many different reasons.

What you said was totally fine. As I said (or at least grudgingly tried to suggest), is that I think you are absolutely correct. the problem is that I'm not very happy with the state of the world that leads to your statement being correct. I think a lot of the reason that trans people are seen as ugly (though not all the reason) has to do with arbitrary social standards regarding what is beautiful, especially for women. When people say that, one of the effects (however unintentional) is often that it perpetuates and reinforces those standards.

Considering the context, I don't think that applies in this case, or if it does, then only a little. But it reminded me of other situations where what I'm describing was clearly happening, and I think it's worth pointing out in general. So what you said is valid, but I wish there were a way to say it that didn't have that kind of baggage attached to it.

I think you make a good point here when you speak more generally -- it's really just a matter of common courtesy not to ask strangers about things that are likely none of your business, because you never know what can of worms you're opening when you do. Maybe something along those lines is a better way to think about the issue.

I don't know. You're fine. Sometimes the whole trans experience just kind of sucks. 

[regan]

That may be good for two reasons:

A) As mentioned... To let other trans people know they are not alone... So many of us feel alone and isolated at times

B) To give a signal that "Hey... you can talk to me"... I can just imagine how many folks like me who live in a rather isolated area and are dieing to have other trans people to talk to... Maybe not at the place they meet (grocery store... etc.) But maybe exchange info. and get together later

I would need something more in common with someone then just being trans to want to make plans to "get together later".  Even being trans who's to say we have anything in common?  Or that I really care to discuss my personal life with someone else?  Maybe I have a support network that I can count on, a great group of friends and would much rather talk about anything then what's between my legs.

Try being friends with me becuase I'm me, not becuase I'm transgender.

[tekla]

I have no trouble believing that most trans persons are otherwise normal, middle of the road, average - you know, boring.  In that, being trans is not just the most interesting thing about you, it's pretty much the only interesting thing about you.

[regan]

I have no trouble believing that most trans persons are otherwise normal, middle of the road, average - you know, boring.  In that, being trans is not just the most interesting thing about you, it's pretty much the only interesting thing about you.

I've always been told I was an attention whore.   

[V M]

What I mean by get together is maybe get a coffee and talk awhile... Maybe we'd become friends, maybe not and most likely we wouldn't be talking about our genitals anyway

Also it wouldn't be just because someone is a trans person

I know that maybe it's a foreign concept to some folks... But I'm one of those people who likes making friends

[regan]

What I mean by get together is maybe get a coffee and talk awhile... Maybe we'd become friends, maybe not and most likely we wouldn't be talking about our genitals anyway

Also it wouldn't be just because someone is a trans person

I know that maybe it's a foreign concept to some folks... But I'm one of those people who likes making friends

I'm not opposed to making friends, but you proposed wearing a pin so we would be able to identify ourselves at the grocery store.  Actually the first problem I see with that is how long before its fairly common knowledge that that particular pin signifies me as transgendered.  Just how many people are going to wear it after that?

Back to your suggestion, why should my grocery store purchases suggest we have anything in common worth forming a friendship over - more so then anyother person buying hamburger buns?

[Rock_chick]

I have no trouble believing that most trans persons are otherwise normal, middle of the road, average - you know, boring.  In that, being trans is not just the most interesting thing about you, it's pretty much the only interesting thing about you.

I bit like drug bores. I ****ing hate drug bores.

I really can do without hearing how wasted you were at some party somewhere.

[V M]

I'm not opposed to making friends, but you proposed wearing a pin so we would be able to identify ourselves at the grocery store.  Actually the first problem I see with that is how long before its fairly common knowledge that that particular pin signifies me as transgendered.  Just how many people are going to wear it after that?

Back to your suggestion, why should my grocery store purchases suggest we have anything in common worth forming a friendship over - more so then anyother person buying hamburger buns?

Actually I didn't propose the idea and it doesn't really matter where you meet someone

Anyway, I think your reading too much into it and I have other things to do besides play nit pick...

Have a nice day

[regan]

I bit like drug bores. I ****ing hate drug bores.

I really can do without hearing how wasted you were at some party somewhere.

I should tell you about this party I was at...I was so wasted...   

Sorry couldn't resist... 

[tekla]

The people who go to those parties are boring, the people who run them have much better stories.

[regan]

The people who go to those parties are boring, the people who run them have much better stories.

If I've learned one thing, the party you didn't go to was the party of the century.

[tekla]

The best party is you, your lover, a bottle of wine and a beach with no one else on it.

[glendagladwitch]

I usually think heightened transdar among Ts is a myth.  But I recently realized that someone I had met and spoken with several times in the past was actually FTM.  I don't think anyone else has a clue, but it suddenly became apparent to me.  It was kind of weird, like a bolt out of the blue. 

I didn't say anything to him about it, of course.  I'm sure he read me long ago, and didn't say anything either.  It actually explains why he and his wife seem reluctant to come to gatherings that me and my husband are going to be at.  I was wondering why it seemed like they were avoiding us. 

[Adabelle]

I can see both sides of this. On one hand I really like the idea of meeting other trans people who are just going about their life like me, and not necessarily in a group therapy setting or whatever. On the other hand I think a part of me would sink in being read by someone.

I think maybe one way to at least make initial contact is just to compliment them about something. Like, "I really like your hair" or something appropriate to them. See if they read me or if we make any connection. Otherwise, maybe it isn't meant to be.

[K8]

I can see both sides of this. On one hand I really like the idea of meeting other trans people who are just going about their life like me, and not necessarily in a group therapy setting or whatever. On the other hand I think a part of me would sink in being read by someone.

I think maybe one way to at least make initial contact is just to compliment them about something. Like, "I really like your hair" or something appropriate to them. See if they read me or if we make any connection. Otherwise, maybe it isn't meant to be.

I like this.  I met a (GG) woman like this.  We had coffee together, realized we didn't have much in common, and haven't gotten together again.  I see her around town once in a while.  We have a connection because of the initial contact, and say hi when we see each other, but we didn't become friends.

- Kate

[regan]

I can see both sides of this. On one hand I really like the idea of meeting other trans people who are just going about their life like me, and not necessarily in a group therapy setting or whatever. On the other hand I think a part of me would sink in being read by someone.

I think maybe one way to at least make initial contact is just to compliment them about something. Like, "I really like your hair" or something appropriate to them. See if they read me or if we make any connection. Otherwise, maybe it isn't meant to be.

What happens if you read your new best friend as trans, you bond over that and it turns out they're not?  How does that conversation go "Surgeon, what do you mean who was my Surgeon?  OMG"

[GinaDouglas]

Answering the original post:

The idea that you should automatically be friends with other trans-people is as prejudice as the idea that trans-people are freaks to be stayed away from.

[Adabelle]

What happens if you read your new best friend as trans, you bond over that and it turns out they're not?  How does that conversation go "Surgeon, what do you mean who was my Surgeon?  OMG"

I think the approach I would take is to basically only out myself if we were to talk about trans stuff. I think the point of this approach is to avoid making someone feel uncomfortable about their ability to pass. And if they aren't trans and they turned out to be a good friend, that's great too.

[tekla]

The idea that you should automatically be friends with other trans-people is as prejudice...

I doubt that.  I would think that even though its not going to be automatic, that two trans persons share something that:
a) very few people have,
b) that very few people understand,
c) that even fewer really care about.

I know I've made friends with a lot of people based on a hell of a lot less.