Alone........

[Jillieann Rose]

Thank you Mrs Erocse for this posting.
Like Melody I too have a wife who told me straight out that she isn't a lesbian.
My one boy said I just wanted attention and the other fear I'd molest my precious grandchildren.
So I back off a for awhile a few years ago but the pressure is so great to transition. My wife has so far stayed with me after I agreed to only dress like a male around her.
I kiss her good morning when I wake her before going to work and that is the extent of our physical contact.
Yes I feel very alone most of the time. But am so glad to be here at Susan's and to know that many of you do understand. Thank you for making the loneliness more bearable. For being friends I can be open with.
Melody I do understand and fear the lost of the person I love and chosen as my mate too.
I have lived with her for more than 39 years and the thought of losing her is ...
Here is a hug for you Melody.
Jillieann

[Cindy]

In such a short time the Erocse's have opened our hearts and our minds. Thank you both so much. I for one can never repay your love for all of us.

Loneliness. Is it the nature of humans to be lonely? We are social creatures that live behind masks that protect us from others. Some join packs to be around 'friends' and less lonely. But the members of the pack are still wearing the mask of solitude. Sometimes as in Armies or such the person is broken until they recognise their comrade as themselves; but they are still lonely.

I remember Jon Von Bovi saying that he could do a concert in front of hundreds of thousands of fans who adored him. And then a few hours later sit in an hotel room alone.

Why are we lonely? I think looking through some of the posts here people express loneliness because we are not 'compatible' with mainstream people. We cannot, for whatever reason go out as Cindy, Paula, John or David, because of the fear we may have of being rejected, not as a friend, but the most basic fear; being rejected as a human being. And often we are.  We develop armour. It protects us from the hate. It protects us from being not accepted. It ensures our loneliness. 

We go to sites like this, where we are met with love; with respect; we open up. Sadly sometimes to find the evil in a person who is willing to pervade against the most sacred of truths. That we are human, we accept ourselves and reach out a hand to all of those who do not know how to reach out.
We retreat to loneliness.

How do we overcome loneliness? By accepting ourselves? By rising above those who have had the fortunate life, and who are still lonely. By love.

The most lonely person in a newborn baby. It doesn't know that. But without love it is lost. Mums and Dads commit to loving that child. It is no longer lonely. It just doesn't know it.

I think we are the same.

My love to all the people at Susan's and those who feel the terror tonight, feel my kiss on your cheek. You are not alone. And I know that I am also loved 


Cindy

[Muffin]

yeah the Erocse's for the win witout a doubt.
I'm in a weird place...... to say I feel the most alone I've ever felt would be an understatement.. I don't know maybe it comes across in my posts a little more these days. Before coming out it was hard but I feel my understanding of "alone" is different now...it's been amplified.
I have parents that are supportive... they are supportive more out of love than anything else. Yet they don't understand what I'm going through so much.. not from me not trying .. I try and they do understand to a degree but not so much that I can talk to them about it and have them understand.. and that is no doubt because of me and me being able to find and use the words they understand while at the same time being happy with myself so it sounds interesting and right.
my mother and I are very different, if we were not blood related then yeah........... I'm sure a lot could relate. I know thre has been times when I speak highly of her and sometimes it can be good yet when it comes to talking about my issues she doesn't know what to do or say.
She is supportive yet I find it impossible to talk to her about what I go through because she simply doesn't understand.. she just says I'm too deep so it's in one ear and out the other.... a part of me thinks it's because she doesn't try but on the other hand she doesn't think or use her mind as much as other people... she sits in front of the TV all day and is basically the kind who would rather discuss people over ideas or theories. I'm not like that.. and even though it's commonly known to be more of a feminine trait in our culture I don't consider it a rule, my parents are loners themselves.. they just sit at home in front of the TV and mainstream culture is all they know.. it's frustrating.. it's like a wall between us. And it no doubt makes me seem like such a whinger.
I'm booked for surgery next year yet on top of that I'm going through such mental hell over it I should be happy yet I feel alone and like I'm going crazy.. I worry that I'm going to faint from stress constantly when I get there.. then the thought of pain freaks me out.
I used to be ok with being alone but since HRT I feel like I need someone close that I can talk to, my mum can't provide that need enough and the thought of having someone that can makes me worry about just having them as an ear and nothing more which I hate.. I couldn't do that to someone yet I feel so f__ked up and when I'm like this I become lost in my own world and find it hard to take interest in others lives/problems. It's like I can't hear about other people negativity because I have enough of it myself yet I know some people can push their own problems aside for others in need I wish I could to.. but instead I come across as selfish. Talking can help and sometimes with my mum it is enough but a lot of the time I feel worse for trying. Though no doubt a lot of my problems are just my own and up to me yet I don't know. I don't know what I feel and the crap that I feel is so new to me.. while in the car with my mum the other day after a really bad day some idiot squeezed in front of me on the freeway and I jumped on the horn etc the whole bit and my mum freaked out, after a pause she said "I know you want to kill yourself but you don't have to kill me as well". The rest of the ride was silence and it's been messing with me since. I convinced myself she means it's ok for me to do that because she knows I want her permission which is just stupid ..no one can give permission for such a thing. :S
Does life get better or is it always going to be this ->-bleeped-<-. Life is hard at the best of times.
I know this wasn't meant to be a vent thread so I'll delete it if need be. :-/

[Cindy]

Dear Muffin,
No need to delete. I understand.

Hugs.

Cindy

[erocse]

Muffin,

   I felt very much like the way you feel now, when I was young, before I met Mrs Erocse. I felt so depressed. I did make a feeble attempt to end my life. Which only ended up with a overnight stay at the local  hospital. After that I remember my mother saying the exact same words to me, under a very similar situation. At the time I thought "what a terrible thing to say". But I have heard her say that since and to other people as well. I guess it just struck the wrong chord when she said it to me.

    You are much more introspective then most and you demand so much from yourself and likewise from the others around you. I can see why you feel frustrated. My oldest daughter was kinda like that. I had a hard time keeping up with her. I remember , when she still lived at home. She would constantly pace the floor, like a caged lion. She finally met someone with a similar intellect, They have been together for quite awhile now. They get along very well.

    The problem with people like you an I , is trying to find other people like ourselves to associate with and maybe even fall in love with. We feel so guarded and closed off from the world. We don't let people in, even when they come knocking on our door. I can honestly say I don't know how the HELL Mrs Erocse found me. The first words she ever heard come out of my mouth were, "Nice to meet you, come on mom, we gotta  go." Really, after church my mom and her were talking, I avoided them as long as I could, then when I could no longer, I walked over and my mom said "hi son, have you met so-and-so" and then I said "Nice to meet you, come on mom, we gotta  go." What a great first time pick-up line huh. Mrs Erocse didn't give up though and she pursued me further, THANK GOD !!!

   I hope you can't find your peace, before surgery. Then after , life will be so much more.

   I don't believe in god, astrology or anything supernatural. I have though, taken up the belief in luck.
Only in this sense. "The harder you work, the luckier you become"

     Good luck an Hugs, Erocse

[annette]

Dear Erocse and Mrs Erocse
I don't think I 've ever met such  wonderfull people as the both of you are.
I really love your posts and comments.
I'glad that the troubles with the family worked out in a positive way and that you are posting again.
Looking forward to your words of kindness and inspiration.
For Melody, I was in your situation many years ago, but believe it or not your strong enough to cope with it.
I'll hope you will be very happy in the future.
love and hugs
annette