A mermaid is come

[Ariel]

I offer my apologies, but my English is not perfect, I hope you can understand me otherwise I'll try with other similar words...
Hello everybody, my name is Ariel, I'm 23 years old and I'm Italian. I started my transition at 19, but I had to stop because of a wrong dose of estrogen that was leading me to death...I had done everything without the knowledge of my parents,I feared a their negative reaction, for years I have always hidden myself, I went out like a normal boy and then I changed my clothes in car, I lived of small moments that I have served to resist and to make me forces, but then not there I did it more....so I went away of my home, leaving only a letter ......a week later, I received a call from my parents in tears and I returned at home ....I  don't know how works from you, but here in Italy unfortunately does not the srs without the authorization of a tribunal, and this procedure asks for from 1 to 2 years if not of more  I could make myself operate in a country of the European community or elsewhere, but I cannot allow me it , Unfortunately in Italy nobody gives work to  transsexual people and we are compelled to the prostitution.  I will begin it this week and I'm so afraid and really sad , obviously my family does not know nothing, but I do not want and cannot live with the penis, I HATE IT and I HATE MYSELF,  absolutely should get me the necessary money to pay the lawyer...... I absolutely get the necessary money to pay the lawyer.....if the things will go me badly, December 31 of this year I will kill me....I'm planning a suicide....I know it that I can seem bad towards the gift of the life, but a life have to be worthy of such name, the mine is alone routine. ..I open my eyes, I breathe, but even if my heart beats I'm not alive. .....  I was beaten, humiliated, compelled to suppress me same. ....... Not at random I chose like name Ariel. ..... I feel actual like the little mermaid. ....maybe a day I will touch the land stops, and if so do not pits I will slacken to drown myself... 

[Emmanuelle]

Cara Ariel,

Welcome to this place (I'm a Newbie myself so... I feel rather shy taking the lead here). Comunque, benchè sono belga e ho vissuto a Milano tanti anni fa. Non vuole dire niente, solo che magari capisco un po' meglio come si funziona in Italia.

I feel your pain, it's not easy. It never is and never will be. That's why we look for each other's company. So, I'm glad you found this place.

However, Italy is not the worst of places to be in. And stepping out is not the solution if you haven't given the basics a chance: your family, the various support groups like Gruppo Luna, La Fenice... You shouldn't lock yourself out of a chance to become who you are. But you also have to be aware that there are standards of care, ways to do things which are accepted and followed across Europe. And they're there to avoid that people make big mistakes (like taking estrogen without proper medical guidance). And prostitution is not the only solution, there are companies hiring transsexuals in Italy.

Just don't give up, get in touch with some organisations that can help you and know what they're talking about.

Un abbraccio forte,

Emma

[annette]

Hi Ariel
welcome here
I agree with Emma, give it a change.
It is hard walking the road of transition, but when you've walked the road, life is worth to live because then you can be who you are.
Having your identity is the ultimate freedom.
In every civilized country there are standards for transition because one have to operate very carefully.
That's what I think also the reason that there are not many persons with regrets.
When you think Italy won't give you the opportunity for a proper transition you can try to find work in another country of the european community, then you are in the healthservice of that country, there are no boundairies in europe anymore.
Believe me, all the people here had a hard time in the beginning of transition, that's why we support eachother, we know your pain, your fears and your hope of a life you want to live.
Hang on girl, don't give up and one day we will be congulating you with your letter for the surgeon.
Think about the day that there will be a Italian girl that will have your name, that's your goal you want to reach.
In the mean time you 've friends on this place where you can share your thoughts and doubts, you are not on your own anymore.

lots of love
annette

[Jillieann Rose]

Ariel,
As others have said your not alone now you have joined Susan's .
They have given you good advise.
Please don't do anything rash.
Please keep posting and we will help you figure things out.
Transitioning is hard and has seemed unobtainable at one time or another for most of us.
Life your life is worth fighting for.
Please post more we are here for you.
Jillieann

[dyslexi]

Aww. I am so sorry that you are hurting so badly. Maybe immigrating to a more friendly tg country would be an option.

[Janet_Girl]

Hi Ariel,

Welcome to our little family. Over 4100 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister.

And be sure to check out these links ( MUST READS )

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks ( including when you can upload an avatar)
  
• Reputation Rules
  

Every day you survive is a good day as you beat the ones that are against you.  Stay with us, Hon.  The world is a lot more interesting with you in it.
Hugs and Love,
Janet

[Octavianus]

Ariel, never hate yourself. Because when you stop loving yourself you start letting go of all your goals in life. You are worth it to be yourself, that is not so much to ask for. That some people do not see this has nothing to do with you. So please don't give up, keep looking, keep fighting for yourself and do not let prostitution be your last resort

[Adabelle]

Ariel I agree with the others. Please don't throw this life away, you mean a lot to our community, and life will get better. I think that your courage to post here at age 23 and start thinking about how to move forward is a very good thing. I started hitting a wall just like you at around the same age (around 25) and was depressed all the time. I found a counselor who had experience with transgender issues and it helped me so much! I hope you can find someone to talk to (and you have this community here too).

You must try to connect with others in the transgender community, or a therapist in Italy. It's important to have face to face interaction with people who understand what you are going through. I know that for me it really helped to just start working on this issue, talking about it, and coming out to my family (after a few years).

I just know how it feels to be where you are. But you are worth so much, please find a way to get someone to talk to and cry with there in Italy. And please keep talking to us here on Susan's too.

Hugs,
Madelyn

[V M]

Hi Ariel

Welcome to Susan's

Please do not harm yourself

[Ariel]

Thank you for welcoming me in your community, I had never been treated so well by someone and that is why I feel compelled to thank you even more with all my heart. Unfortunately, I can not get away from Italy, my English sucks and then what could I do? Probably the same fate....I do not pretend to have the exclusive of pain, but here everything is much more difficult, I lost friends because they say that I am against nature, and represent what they hate most ... My ex-boyfriend left me because I haven't the vagina...I'm a fake woman for him...I was depressed, now that I'm treated with hormones things have gotten worse .... I always think about death, and I pray every night that I don't wake up  in the morning. I hope not to get depressed and did not ruin the forum with my whining ... but I feel so alone ..... I wish I no longer have that thing between mylegs ... it makes me feel bad I hope you understand something of what I wrote, I apologize again. I wish you so much happiness.

[xAndrewx]

Ariel, you sound like an amazing young woman. I cannot begin to even understand the trouble that you are going through right now. I myself have been playing the hormone waiting game for about 4 years as well. I'm finally seeing a therapist and even though I haven't started hormones yet I'm grateful that I never harmed myself. I wish that you could find some way out of the place and situation you are in now but in finding this site you found a family. Everyone here is amazing and hopefully will help you the same way they helped me. You're not whining, this site is a place to talk about the struggles of transgender life and that is exactly what you're doing. It's a struggle... I know it is but just think. You're 23 you have a long life ahead of you where you can eventually live as your female self. You're ex should not have left you for that reason. It is his loss.

Ariel, never hate yourself. Because when you stop loving yourself you start letting go of all your goals in life. You are worth it to be yourself, that is not so much to ask for. That some people do not see this has nothing to do with you. So please don't give up, keep looking, keep fighting for yourself and do not let prostitution be your last resort

Octavianus said it all.

[annette]

dear Ariel

I can feel your pain.
your friend left you because you are a fake woman?
He is not worth that you write another word about him if he says things like that.
If your English sucks, my English sucks even more and still people understand( I hope ) what I'm talking about.
You've lost some friends because of your transsexuality, why do you want to be in the neighborhood of such people
transition is possible in Italy so there must be more people with the same feelings over there.
try to locate them and become new friends who will support you, they know what you're dealing with.
And if people in Italy says that it's against nature, well I was in Italy a few years ago (holiday) and I was getting a lot of attention of the men there.
So, if they don't know it's apperently not against nature.
I don't know of tou are living in a small community but even then you can move over to a big city like Milano, Torino or Rome.
I think you should consider your possibillities and take some steps to make your dream come true.
one thing is for sure, if you commit suicide, your dream will never come true and the people who are against you have won.
that's not what we want to, do we?
a lot of strenght and love
annette

[Jillieann Rose]

Ariel,
Your English, writing is fine.
You ask if we understood about hating what was between your legs and not having a vagina.
Yes.  I do not like what is between my legs either. It make me sad and heart sick when I look down there.

I agree with a couple other who have posted. That boy was not worthy of you if he called you a fake women. No really friend would every treat you like that. 

Please, your young and you need to look to a future you will have your body corrected.
So do not curse the each new day but look for ways to move forward toward your goal.
If your community is so close minded then move to a larger community were you will be able to get a job and make your dreams come true. I know it is scary but you can do it.

Ariel you are not alone.
We are here for you. Your postings are fine. They help you to share your hurts and they help us to understand you and help.
Please keep posting and sharing your feelings with us.
Jillieann

[V M]

Yeah, okay... So one guy speaks for all of Italia? Yeah right... I'm over here in the US, but on the trans dating site I visit... Who do you think I get the most attention from?

That's right... The Italiano guys... Unfortunately they are all on the East coast and I'm near the West coast of the country... So traveling a few thousand miles for a date is a bit much for them

So I have no dates and I live in a very conservative religious area with no possible prospects near by... Should I kill myself?

HELL NO!!! I need to get with it... Expand my horizons... Look a bit further than my front door... Maybe move somewhere else

My life is just as valid as anyone's and so is yours

Don't give up

[Ariel]

Thank you for everything! The problem is not isolated from where I live, unfortunately works in Italy. Are you trans? NO WORK! If you have a job before and after comin out they will do anything to send you away ... I already tried in other cities, maybe I should go from here ... but I have no way to do it and my family can not help me much, they pay my hormonal treatment and nothing else... ..because they can not do more.... It's true, life is one, and we have only one chance to change it, but the transition has its costs, and if you can not face you are forced to live in "the middle" ....... ... this is so that makes me see death as the best solution ...... I just hope that things will change ..... Maybe soon

[Crimbuki]

Death is never the best solution.

You have a lifetime to make right what may have gone wrong, but if you are persistent and motivated you will spend it reaping the fruits of your successes.

It is indeed difficult living in a body that is it's own cage, and sometimes we let these bars get the best of our emotions, but nobody in history has ever truly had it easy. We are so fortunate to even live in a era where the knowledge is available that we may correct nature's oversights. You still have time, you do have support, the end result will be worth the pain you are feeling now.

This is what I tell myself.

[justmeinoz]

I am sorry to hear you are having such a difficult time.  Please don't harm yourself, you are young and have time to make a really good transition.  It sounds like your family still care about you and would miss you terribly.

Are there any Government schemes to help you study to get a qualification in something like hairdressing or fashion?  That could make emigration more successful if there is still nothing on offer in Italy.  In most places having studied in Italy would be seen as a big advantage.

There are lots of folk here to look to for support, so keep posting sis.
Sandra.

[westminstersub]

Hi Ariel,

I am myself from Europe, although I am currently living in the US.

I am not happy either about what I have in between my legs, and I don't know what will happen with my work once the changes I started are obvious...

Killing yourself is not an option, never. Unfortunately life is not like a game where you can reset it and start again. You have to do with what you have. For sure it's not easy. It's not easy if you are a man, it's harder if you are a woman, and it is even harder if you feel yourself like being in the middle.

The first step would be to accept who you are. Ariel, a lovely young girl from Italy. Ok, you have some problems, who doesn't!! Ok, you think yours are worse than anybody else... trust me, there is always someone better and worse than you...

The second step would be to set your goals, short term or long term, but something that you can think that you can achieve. Might be to undergo hormones, might be to train your voice, might be to learn new skills for a job, might be to go to University... or all of the above, or completely different ones.

The third step would be to figure a plan to achieve those goals. How are you going to get from point A to point B. Is it money that you need? how can you get it? ok, so you are thinking about prostitution, well, are there any other options? Are there support groups in your city? Do you know anyone else in your situation? how did they do it? Do you have real friends that will emotionally support you? (sometimes being strong emotionally will make things improve a lot!! like magic!!)

Don't give up!

You have done something very important, that is asking for help.

You joined this forum, and you are meeting great new people that have a lot of experience in this matters. We are as Janet pointed out over 4,100 people here! Read their opinions, their experiences, their bits of life. They will be more than happy to share with you how they did it. It's not easy, but that is why life has made of us the strongest link in the chain!

Asking for help is the first step, and sometimes is the hardest one... but now you need to keep up with the good work!!

Best wishes!!

Anna

[Lacey Lynne]

Thank you for everything! The problem is not isolated from where I live, unfortunately works in Italy. Are you trans? NO WORK! If you have a job before and after comin out they will do anything to send you away ... I already tried in other cities, maybe I should go from here ... but I have no way to do it and my family can not help me much, they pay my hormonal treatment and nothing else... ..because they can not do more.... It's true, life is one, and we have only one chance to change it, but the transition has its costs, and if you can not face you are forced to live in "the middle" ....... ... this is so that makes me see death as the best solution ...... I just hope that things will change ..... Maybe soon

Ariel, please, just hang on, girl.  Take it one day at a time.  Sure, this is so easy for me to say but so hard for you to do. 

Does it help you any to know that I feel the same way you do ... stuck in the middle.  Also, I'm much, much older than you are, and I'm basically friendless.  Just last night, in fact, I was in a deep, suicidal depression.  Well, I pulled through it, and so can you.

Spend time at this website and get to know some of the people.  These are generally excellent people here.  You are bound to meet some friends here.  Also, please, be patient.  You are young, and "where there's a will, there is a way."  Just keep moving forward in your transition.  One day at a time, girl ... one day at a time.