I'm terrifyied

[CharlieTrance]

I'm so scared that I'll never have the guts to transition.

I've always worn a mask for everyone else, to make them happy. I was always the one who was whatever people needed me to be. I grew up pretending to be someone else. I always had to be the strong one and hold it together for my brothers. I was forced to grow up way to soon, I had to be mature and keep my mum from getting too down. ->-bleeped-<-, she told me to keep it a secret when I saw her cuddling with another man when I was 4. I grew up trying to keep the peace, I had to listen to my parents complain and say nasty things about each other. So I never wanted to make anyone unhappy, things would have gotten worse. So I never told them I had no friends at school, that I didn't know how to play with the other kids.

Now I struggle to talk to others, sure I can put on a happy face and ask how they are, what they've been doing. But after that it's a blank. I cannot talk to another human being face to face unless they like the sound of there own voice. In which it's just a case of nodding and listening.

I don't think I'll ever be able to tell anyone I want to be a man. I don't have that kind of courage. And I'm so scared that I'll always be seen as a woman. I just don't know what to do.

[JohnR]

Charlie, you will gather up the courage to transition if it gets to the stage where you can no longer function when presenting as female. This is your life so the power and control over it belongs to you. Your mother didn't give a second thought to your happiness when she asked a 4 year old to keep such a big secret, don't be scared of her.

[xAndrewx]

Charlie, John is right. Man somewhere along the lines we have to be ourselves. That's not selfish. Like you I had few friends growing up. Since I transitioned I gained confidence. I still don't know how to act around the guys but we'll learn in time. What you've gotta remember is that everyone is different. Just be yourself and if your self isn't a woman then be the man that you are. Transition if you feel it's right.

[sneakersjay]

For most of us, eventually we get to the point where we can no longer keep up the facade or pretend to be someone we're not, and it's harder to stay in that role than transition.  It's sooner for some and later for others.

Nobody ever WANTS to transition.  It's very hard!  But when the time is right, it's easier.


Jay

[Mrs Erocse]

Erocse spent many years put in a similiar position as yourself. These are your years. Take them and be the person you are. Live your vision. As far as I know this is the only life we have and being good to people is important but being true to yourself is too.
~Hugs~
Mrs. Erocse

[Janet_Girl]

Some thing you said Charlie ....

I don't think I'll ever be able to tell anyone I want to be a man. I don't have that kind of courage. And I'm so scared that I'll always be seen as a woman. I just don't know what to do.

Well I have heard people say "Oh you're Brave" or "Goodness How did you find the courage".  And one day it suddenly hit me ...

It does not take bravery or courage to transition.  It takes fear.  The fear of spending one more day in the wrong gender.

You will get to the point that you simple must transition.

[Harbor]

hey charlie,
i was in a similar position to you not long ago. i spent years in the closet because it I was too scared to do anything about it. but eventually I just couldn't take it anymore, and i decided that however scary it would be to transition it would be a lot scarier to live the rest of my life being miserable. however stressful transition is, I'm not going to die from it, whereas if I kept living how I was living I think I would have killed myself eventually. So now I came out to my parents and it wasn't a total disaster and my therapist gave me the go ahead to start T the other day.

my advice would be to break things down into steps. Instead of just thinking 'omg transition is scary', think of one thing you can do this month that gets you closer to your goal. that was what helped me out. have you been to a therapist at all? that might be a good place to start.

[insideontheoutside]

I think it's hard to put a statistic on how many people are transgendered/transsexual vs. how many people go through a full transition. It would be interesting for sure because I have a hunch that you're definitely not alone. Also, just from listening to others here it seems many do get to a point in their life where it really is almost a do or die situation. Maybe not physically die, but internally - if that makes sense, because you become so depressed or discouraged that you'll never live your life the way you want.

But then there's oddballs like me who have found a way to be happy in spite of everything (and not transition).

Like lostradio said above, taking things in steps is a good method for making things more manageable.

For myself, I found that when I made small changes to how I was living it started to make an improvement. Even really seemingly "stupid" stuff like buy guys clothes instead of womens clothes helped me. Over time I realized that I didn't have to change who I was, I had to change the way I thought about what I was. Like I said though, that was a personal thing that worked for me. Everyone's got different things going on and one thing that worked for someone might not work for someone else.

In fact, you've already made one small step just making this post about how you feel. If you feel like you have no one to talk to, talk to all of us and we'll listen to anything you want to say

[Arch]

I don't think I'll ever be able to tell anyone I want to be a man. I don't have that kind of courage.

Buddy, I've got news for you. You've already told people. Maybe not in person, not yet, but you've told us.

I will echo what some other folks have said. I've been told how brave I am to transition. If bravery had anything to do with it, I would have transitioned years ago. I transitioned out of desperation. Things simply got so bad that I knew I had to do something.

As Lostradio counsels, breaking things into steps can help a LOT. I do it myself, and I advise my students to do it. It works. What's that saying about the longest journey's starting with one step? Same deal.

No matter what path you take, if you spend a little time here, you'll probably start acquiring the confidence and self-knowledge to decide what to do and how to go about it. You'll become less and less afraid of some things. You'll find a few new things to be afraid of, but dealing with the old fears will equip you with the coping skills you need to face the new fears. You might have setbacks and disappointments, but you'll get through them. And you will have triumphs, and they will feel wonderful.

You've already taken the first step.

[mattsmom]

When reading your post, i had to read it again to make sure it wasn't my child a short time ago.  This could almost be our story.  I wish I knew your age.  My son is 16 and  physically a girl.  I was just told a few days ago so i am working on calling her a him.  When he was 4, and his brother 3, he saw his father stab me, he survived 3 kidnapping attempts from him, moving from house to house hiding from his dad, two more murder attempts and then a head on collision which hurt all 3 of us and put me in the hospital for months.  This was all before he was five.  He also had to grow up fast and do a lot for me physically. (I broke 18 bones and shattered my leg) He can also put on a good front of politeness.  He has a hard time holding a conversation with strangers (and some family members) He also didn't have friends in school.  I got him the right therapist about 5 months ago and found that he doesn't know how to feel emotions correctly.  ( he never cried or felt strong emotions)  Even though he doesn't remember details of the past, the therapist said the pictures are still in his head.  And now he has told me he wants to be a man.  So much for one kid.  If you aren't talking to a therapist about the past, I urge you to. Even if you tell yourself it wasn't that big of a deal and you can handle it.  It has made such a change in both my children.

Everyone on here is so encouraging and together and I seem to stumble through everything lol so please forgive me, I am still learning  :-)  If you would like to talk more, please contact me..I am new to all this and we could learn together.   good luck
Matt's mom

[Cindy]

I'm so scared that I'll never have the guts to transition.

I've always worn a mask for everyone else, to make them happy. I was always the one who was whatever people needed me to be. I grew up pretending to be someone else. I always had to be the strong one and hold it together for my brothers. I was forced to grow up way to soon, I had to be mature and keep my mum from getting too down. <not allowed>, she told me to keep it a secret when I saw her cuddling with another man when I was 4. I grew up trying to keep the peace, I had to listen to my parents complain and say nasty things about each other. So I never wanted to make anyone unhappy, things would have gotten worse. So I never told them I had no friends at school, that I didn't know how to play with the other kids.

Now I struggle to talk to others, sure I can put on a happy face and ask how they are, what they've been doing. But after that it's a blank. I cannot talk to another human being face to face unless they like the sound of there own voice. In which it's just a case of nodding and listening.

I don't think I'll ever be able to tell anyone I want to be a man. I don't have that kind of courage. And I'm so scared that I'll always be seen as a woman. I just don't know what to do.

Dear Brother,

We face the impossible. We cry more tears than a head can contain. We do more for our loved ones than anyone can see. We then think of ourselves; we the despaired. We the hated. We the unloved who have poured out our hearts.  My Brother if I can crawl on my knees to be accepted as a woman, then you my friend can do the same to be accepted as the man you are. Hell only exists for the non-brave.


My Love Bro

Cindy

[Aegir]

We're all scared, Charlie. I'm really scared too, if it makes you feel better. I'm still closeted to all but a few very close friends (and strangers on the internet who have never seen my face LOL) because there are things I have going on in my life that I am even more afraid of losing than I am of continuing to be mistaken for and treated like a woman, and I feel like I can live with it if it means I can keep these things.

And yes, if you've transitioned you're brave. Being brave isn't not being scared, it's doing what you have to even if it's really terrifying. For some of us that means we have to gracefully surrender the things in our lives that depended on our perceived gender because if we don't it will kill us, either literally or figuratively; for others of us, it can mean a lot of other things.

[jamherst]

I believe that you will get to where you need to be.

I put other people before myself all the time--I still do it. I want to make other people happy but...

How can we be the strength for someone else if we, ourselves, are in shambles?

Maybe you don't believe in yourself right now and feel alone but I can assure you--all of us here and everyone out there has felt like this before. And we here especially, believe in you.