Lately I've been doubting

[niamh]

Lately I've been doubting whether I am really trans. I wish there would be some exam that you could take. That you could go to the doctor and s/he would take a blood sample and a few days later come back with the results. What scares me is the fact that only I myself can know and no one else can tell me for sure. Then when I royally screw it up it's all down to me. Hence scary.

I think that I would be happier to have been born a girl and that I would rather be a female though I am not sure if that is the same as saying that I am transsexual and that transition would be the right option. Emphasis on 'think' because how can I really know for sure? What do I know about being a woman in this world? Nada, for sure. All I think I know is second-hand. Likewise I do not feel like a guy and can't imagine living the rest of my life like this. I feel like I am staring into a great unknown but great sadness and depression to my back.

Perhaps I am just transgendered and highly confused. I am niggled with the doubt that my trans-feelings are just the symptom of some other issue, some other psychosocial problem, rather than being the root cause. Maybe I am just totally mistaken here and if I went through with transition I would just be making a huge mistake. So I am asking myself whether my trans-feelings are just that and if they are a cause or consequence.

And, as I said, the thing that scares me not knowing either way and not being able to turn to Wikipedia for the answer. Not even the most bright of talented and experienced shrinks can for 100% tell me what I am and who I should be. I don't want to make a mistake, either way. I don't want to wake up at 50 and still be unhappy and wished that I had just make the leap of faith.

Are/were you ladies and gents racked by doubt in your transitions? What helped? Cause right now I feel like a writer staring at a white sheet of paper with a pile of scrunched-up drafts littering the door around me. Doubt, confusion and fear. A prison of my own insecurities and lack of confidence.

[Melody Maia]

I do sometimes. However, I then think back at what I was like before I started on the path to transition. Unhappy, irritable, quick to anger. I think part of my doubt stems from the fact that I feel ok mentally right now, but that I think is in large part because I have actually started my transition and hormones. Right now, I love my growing female parts and am only dissatisfied with how long the changes take. The one time someone even mentioned that I should delay my transition I broke down crying and felt a panic and anxiety I didn't expect. But still, there are times I wonder about the cost to my personal life. My wife, my home, full time parent to my son. Very steep price. How I don't know what life will be like for me as a woman. If I will be passable. Where am I going to live and what I am going to do for a job. That is when I have doubts. However, I soldier on in the faith that things will work out and we will all be happier in the end.

[Janet_Girl]

If we did not have doubts, I don't think we would be sure this journey is right.  I had doubts most of my life and they kept me in the closet.  And it was dark and lonely in that closet.

We are Transsexual because we say we are.  The SOC is a set of guidelines that if one goes through all of them, they will find out if this is truly what they wish for their life.  Not that everyone has to do each step, but once one is headed to surgery, if they were honest with themselves it will be the beginning of a brand new enjoyable life.

This time I felt that closet behind me, lost somethings and those I loved.  And while I am still alone, I am still happier now that I have every been in my life.

Sometimes it just takes that leap of faith.

[sneakersjay]

Like your avatar line says, be yourself one day at a time.

There is no rush to transition.  No rush for surgery.  No rush for hormones.  If you're not sure, you're not sure.  Many of us went through periods where we tried very hard to live as our birth gender.  I was very feminine (for a tomboy!), got married, had kids, etc.  Many ladies here tried to man up and were active in sports, the military, etc.

Over time we realized that those feelings of our bodies not quite being right never went away no matter how hard we tried to ignore it or suppress it.

You may find that you fall somewhere else on the spectrum, maybe androgynous rather than male or female.  Or you may come to realize that yes, you are female.  Transition comes when we can no longer stand to be in the wrong body for our gender.  For some that comes sooner than later.

So take your time.  Talk things over with a gender specialist.  Just because many of us here seem so sure doesn't mean you need to feel any pressure to transition yourself.  If you're truly trans, you'll eventually know and will do what is right for you.


Jay

[Elsa]

everyone has doubts ... its what makes us human... its been almost a month on HRT & I too have doubts like you do ..
As Janet says sometimes it just takes a leap of faith and Janet you are not alone.. even though we are online and may never meet we are here to support each other & thats what I love about this site...
Melody like you... I dont think I could handle anyone even asking me to wait any more thats why I am going ahead despite the risks...

Sometimes we also need to remember that even though we may feel like we are the only ones going through this we must also remember there are others like us... and we need to do what feels right for ourselves...

[regan]

I'll throw my own $.02 in and say that I think part of the stress and part of the doubt comes from the generally accepted transgender biography that we've all had to memorize to open the doorways to the things we want, and need.  Hopefully attitudes are changing, but there's always going to be room for doubt if we question, unlike "everyone else", that we had these feelings all our life, that our non-HRT bodies some how gross us out and that we're completely devastated everytime someone mis-genders us (despite still presenting as the gender we were assigned at birth).

I don't want to make a mistake, either way. I don't want to wake up at 50 and still be unhappy and wished that I had just make the leap of faith.

I think I'm in the same camp.  I would consider myself a more moderate case,  but I either need to do this or make peace with it.  I don't want to be 50 either and have regets either way.  I've been on the sidelines long enough.

[Aidan_]

*points to her own signature*

If you can't accept life one way, try to change it! If you can't change something in your life, you'll have to accept it.

Just ask yourself if you think you'll be happy if you sit by and do nothing.

[Randi]

There are times when I too have these doubts. But my deepest anguish comes not from knowing I am a woman in a man's body but from trying to protect those I love and wrestling with the economics of how to pay for all of it. As things stand right now there's no way I can afford to pay for SRS or FFS-I can't even pay for the knee surgeries that I have needed for several years now. But I do what I can to find peace in small ways-wear my hair in a fem style or polish my nails or get rid of unwanted hair ... There are ways to cope if only temporarily that make things better for me. If I still have to present as male most of the time-I will do this because I must. But as always I remain hopeful that I can someday transition all the way.
Randi

[Nicky]

omg I remember those days of confusion and doubt.  There is no 'just transgendered', it is all hard, it is all confusing. I spent 5 years thinking I was in the in-between. I could not see how I could be a woman, I did not know how. I was definitely not a boy though, I held onto that thought. That helped me, I stuck with what I knew "I am not a boy, I don't know what I am but I am definitely not a boy"

The thing is you can start transitioning with no end point in mind, you can see if it feels right, in the beginning it is all kind of reversible and sometimes you may backtrack only to go back again. That helped me.

Sometimes action is the answer honey. It is scary and terrifying but I think you know that you will feel better for it. Hugs!

There is no mistaking your dysphoric feelings, they are real. It is natural to have these doubts and fears. Some of it comes from internalized trans-phobia - society tells us it is bad, we absorb those messages and so we end up filled with fear and indecision.

[niamh]

Thanks so much everybody for the replies! It makes me feel so much better just reading them and gives me a feeling being part of a community which I need. This forum is wonderful. Thanks all! I know I just have to be more stubborn in my convictions and be more confident and there will be light coming soon down the tunnel.

[Tamaki]

I can completely relate to the feelings your having.

There are times when I'm taking my hormones I think "What am I doing to myself." This is just my fear talking.

By transitioning we are leaving the familiar. Even though the familiar is miserable it provides a sense of security, we know what to expect.

Crossing the line into a new gender we enter new territory and this can be scary.

The adage "nothing ventured, nothing gained" comes to my mind but I think for us it's more like "nothing ventured, something lost." If I don't move toward being the woman I am on the inside I will never know the person that I can be, the person that I am meant to be. I'll just be the miserable guy I've always been.

Have courage. I believe it's an adventure with a happy ending.

[Colleen Ireland]

Not even the most bright of talented and experienced shrinks can for 100% tell me what I am and who I should be. I don't want to make a mistake, either way. I don't want to wake up at 50 and still be unhappy and wished that I had just make the leap of faith.

True, a good shrink can't tell you 100% one way or the other, but he CAN guide you and help you examine yourself, your feelings, your motivations, and help you on you journey, so that YOU can be more certain of yourself.  And... even if you DO wake up at 50 (or 54, in my case), it is STILL not too late!  I do wish I had done something about it when I was young, not for my own sake, but for my dear wife's sake.  She is going through a very difficult time now, because I didn't have the courage or the resources when I was young to face this then.  But, I still firmly believe that there is happiness for both of us down the road somewhere.  Maybe not together, but I do believe we are both entitled to happiness, and that if we look for it, we will both find it.

This is not an easy journey, by far.  But if we are strong, we can learn much, and even the so-called "wasted" years are not truly wasted, if we learned something...

[K8]

I think that I would be happier to have been born a girl and that I would rather be a female though I am not sure if that is the same as saying that I am transsexual and that transition would be the right option. Emphasis on 'think' because how can I really know for sure? What do I know about being a woman in this world? Nada, for sure. All I think I know is second-hand. Likewise I do not feel like a guy and can't imagine living the rest of my life like this. I feel like I am staring into a great unknown but great sadness and depression to my back.

I went through many of the same doubts.  I didn't think I was a woman.  I thought I was male but not a man, so I was something else – but what?  I finally knew that I had to work on finding out.  I got counseling and came out to my friends.  Then I started taking small steps.  I started having my facial hair removed, thinking that I could just be clean-shaven if I stayed presenting male.  I started hormones with the idea that it would soften my contours, not that it would give me a female shape.  Small steps, with help from caring professionals.  As I worked through the process, I gradually lost my "should I" doubts and only had "can I" doubts.  And eventually I lost those doubts, too.

The thing is you can start transitioning with no end point in mind, you can see if it feels right, in the beginning it is all kind of reversible and sometimes you may backtrack only to go back again. That helped me.

Transition isn't like throwing a switch, it is a long process, with lots of stopping places and detours.  For me, I only wanted to take the next step.  But each time I did, I wanted to take the next one.  It took a lot of next steps before I realized that I am just a woman, despite my history and the anatomy I was born with.  You may get to a point where you decide you aren't.  That's OK.  Take each step as you are ready for it.  As you do, you will become certain what the answer is for you.

Happy travels.

- Kate

[Adabelle]

I identify with lots of thoughts in this thread. I'm in my early thirties and sort of unsure of what to do. I start slipping into depression if I 'ignore' actively working on figuring out who I am though. I found myself slipping into it again and have started with a therapist to work on what next. Like others I just don't want to keep burying it and let year after year pass by. I feel like my wife and I have a certain amount of our lives on hold because she doesn't know if she'll stay with me if I transition (lately I'm thinking she won't, but I don't know for sure).

I just don't think it's healthy for me, or for her to have this hanging over our heads. I feel that if today I feel transgender, and it hasn't gone away for 30 years, that I doubt it's going away in the future. Being a girl has honestly been my single biggest desire for as long as I can remember - and yet I still doubt. There's not a single day I haven't thought about it and had it weigh on my spirit. And yet, I am scared to death to lose the woman I love, and produce a disruption in the life of my family and friends. Not to mention the financial and social challenges that must be overcome.

Still, when I don't move forward I slip into despair. I need to decide once and for all if I will find increasingly creative ways of distracting myself, burying the issue, or maybe becoming a super fem-guy or something for the sake of all those around me, or if I continue with the next step, which is to add "E" to the mix.

There are lots of us that are struggling with this, both on the MTF and FTM sides of things. I can easily see why they say it's the most difficult thing one can do in life. I'm barely holding together emotionally at the thought of losing my marriage over this, but I just don't know what else to do but keep moving forward.

[JennaLee]

I haven't had doubts so much.  For me, denial is the word.  It took 56 years to understand and accept gid.  There where a couple near misses that made me realize if I didn't face it, I may not survive.

Niamh, I can't say I know what you should do.  But, I do know you are asking the right questions.

[jmaxley]

I've been having doubts too.  Seems normal (omg, I'm normal?!  )  I'm taking it one step at a time, going slowly.  Reversible things, like a short haircut, wearing guy clothes.  And I tell myself when I get on hormones I can stop taking them if I want to (though I think FTMs have a shorter time window to change their minds before the hormones make irreversible changes, so I'd probably only have three or four months to change my mind).  I've thought about making up a list of my fears about transitioning, to see what specific anxieties I'm having, rather than just feeling this amorphous cloud of fear about it.  Then I can address each fear.

[Nero]

(though I think FTMs have a shorter time window to change their minds before the hormones make irreversible changes, so I'd probably only have three or four months to change my mind).

Actually, more like weeks. Strangely, it's the irreversible stuff that happens almost immediately. 3 or 4 months in, you'd most likely have a deeper voice, facial and body hair, and downstairs growth. Really, all that stuff starts within the first few weeks. But that doesn't necessarily mean you couldn't go back. You'd just have some permanent changes to deal with.

[Adabelle]

At the Philly Trans Health Conference last year we met a FTM who said that the voice drop happened in two weeks! So you definitely have to be aware how fast it can happen.

[jmaxley]

Yikes.

[Nero]

Yikes.

Yeah, that's one of the reasons I was hesitant about T at first. It's really a lot of dramatic, rapid changes in a short time. It's normal to be nervous. I was scared I wouldn't recognize myself. But when the changes started, it just felt right and normal. I suppose you might have maybe a week to try it out but by that time it might be too late downstairs. 
But yeah, we guys don't really get much of a grace period.