Made a mistake at the Psychiatrist

[Beni76]

Hi, I have been going to a Psychiatrist for about 6 appointments now.
The first appointment was a general mental assessment and to tell him why I wanted to take HRT and transition. In my anxious state I rattled off all these things to which he replied HRT does none of that, you have no idea what you talking about . He said that he thinks my feeling's are all caused by my anxiety and I can help you through that and that transitioning is a long lonely road and I can't ever see you doing it.
I was thinking that maybe he was kind of right. I didn't like his attitude or the way he spoke but, now am thinking he did that to test me.

On the second visit he put me on anti anxiety tabs (Deralin 40) . He said that he had rung my Doctor and my Doctor had said to him ( the psych) that he had no idea why I had been referred to him and that he was just a sexual health Doctor.
I was feeling a bit confused then I made the big mistake of saying that I didn't think I needed to take HRT now and explained that I just wanted to reduce the masculinity instead. I knew this wasn't true and don't know why I said that, maybe because I was apprehensive about coming out and transitioning.

I told my Doctor what I did and he said that didn't matter as there was no right nor wrong answers and that is why you are seeing him to work things through. He said the Psych must have got mixed up with the phone call. One of my other friends has all her hormone work done through this Doctor, so I can trust he is telling the truth. He also said that if you don't feel that this Psych is getting you anywhere or his attitude is hampering things that I can refer you to another one.

Ever since I have been on the anti anxiety ( about 5 weeks) my feelings of wanting to transition into a female role and take HRT have become as strong as they have ever been. Except for the tiredness being the only real side effect, they have been good. I know it can take more then just medications and that a lot of it is talking face to face.

So now I go back to the Psych on Tuesday and I am going to tell him that I want to take HRT and transition now. I can just imagine what his response will be. Most likely 'You can't do that' or 'You said this, now your saying that'. I know it affects my creditability and will make it harder to present my reasons of why I want to but, I know I can really do this now. If he doesn't want to help , I have the option of seeing another Psych, I thought of this before as I haven't really liked this Psych's attitude or somewhat arrogance since the initial start.

So has anyone else said this before I'm sure they have, I'm just wondering what the outcome usually is or anything that someone can suggest I do to make it better. I talked to my my friend about it and she said that he may be not taking me seriously and possibly trying to gate keep me?

I know I should have stayed with what I wanted from the start but, I guess that is some of the apprehensiveness   coming out?

Beni.

[Padma]

I think the best thing would be to be really honest with the psychiatrist about why you said what you did last time, and why you're saying what you are this time. I think any decent psychiatrist is aware that people can experience them as intimidating, and it's just best to be up front about how you're feeling.

[Beni76]

Some good thoughts there thanks.
I will try and be upfront as much as I can and show my true self. I think that the Psych's know that they are intimidating because in the real world you are going to get confrontations during transitioning that you may find intimidating and they are testing you to see how you would react and deal with the situation. But when they do it too much out of a personal hatred or not in taking you seriously or they just can't be bothered in really helping you, it is time to find another one .

As with anxiety, I think a higher proportion of trans people do have the issues as we all have to get assessed in order to get HRT compared to the broader population who don't generally need mental assessments in general life.  The first visit to my psychiatrist, I said to him that I was more so anxious because this was the first time I had met him and this is taking a lot for me to come out and say all my feelings to him. His response was "That's Bull****" , "I've seen thousands of people and being doing this for longer then you have been alive, your not the worst, but in the bottom half".
My feeling was that maybe he had been doing this for too long and that his personal opinions were getting in the way of his professional  Opinions. I was angry for quite a few hours afterward but, did calm down later on.

I'd also agree somewhat with the calming effects of Spiro. I was self medicating ( yes I know - naughty naughty) with Spiro for four years and my Doctor has asked me to stop, which I have done in the last two weeks and have found that I am some what less calm and more agitated now. Oh the damn erections have recurred and I so want the Spiro back

So I look forward to Tuesday..........maybe...

[Catherine]

I think the title of the thread tells a whole story.

I dont think you can make a mistake at the shrinks. You are there to tell them all about you. You are supposed to tell them nothing but the truth.

If you are making things up then you are going to get in a mess.

If they see through untruths then they are going to put a hat to any progress as they will see you as being not sure of who you are.

If they dont see through the untruths then you could get your self in to a situation where you are not happy with yourself. There are loads of people out there who are currently regretting having surgery..

You should go to the shrink and just tell all. They are there to help you through your issues.

[Beni76]

That is a good explanation Catherine. I have worked out what I am going to say and why. As long as I say that that is what I want and in a clear way and that I want him to help me through this.
Well I will write an update after my next visit....

[Beni76]

  .......
Ok, it wasn't that bad......I'm such a drama Queen and was showing my anxiety I guess.
Th e appointment today went good, with a bit of a setback but, a good one in a way.

Firstly he asked me how I was going within myself and socially. I replied fairly average. He said that is not good and we need to build on that. He also said that he would put me in contact with two of clients to help me with social interactions.

I then mentioned that I had second thoughts about HRT and wanted to receive it and he said that's ok. But I won't give it to you just yet, maybe in 12 to 15 months when you are less anxious and have more of a social life and are ready to begin the hard uphill journey into transition... my two clients will help you with this as they are non bias.

I could give it to you now though it wouldn't do much; you would just be a man on pills and I need to see you stronger mentally before we start that.

So little bit of a setback and such a relief  . At least this gives me time to concentrate on some more reducing the facial hair, transforming the 'he' wardrobe into 'Fabulous she' lol, fixing my teeth and looking into voice training.

Beni