My dad died back in May. My sisters, mother and I all believe he harbored a deep secret that he took to the grave. At the end, he had so much regret that he often burst into tears for no reason. My transgender feelings came to the fore so heavily after he passed that I started to seriously contemplate suicide, but I did not want to die with that sort of regret. So I came to accept my life-long feelings and it started me on the path to my transition.
Fast forward to the present. Last week at church, one of the assistant pastors came up and she wished me well in this tough time. I hadn't told her about my transition or my divorce, so I was surprised. She then went on to note that Thanksgiving and the holidays are coming up and it must be hard since it is the first ones without my father. Thing is, even after she mentioned it, I didn't feel much. No grief, sadness or tears. What I then did feel is guilt. It's like the feelings from my transition and divorce have so overwhelmed my life that I don't have much left over. I don't feel like I have properly grieved my father. I have a feeling that some time in the future, I will have to revisit this loss. I hope that wherever he is, he understands.
