So, first I want to note that autocorrect is annoying on iPads; why is this important? I typed Demzon, and it 'corrected' it. If one of the staff would be so kind I would appreciate a correction if possible.
On to the real information then. I have only recently stated exploring what I had been forced to hide through my life. As such this is a little bit of a disjointed history. A few weeks ago I made the choice to finally come out as bisexual to my mother; I have been out to the rest of the world for a few years now. After that weight was off of me and she really didn't care, (sort of went like this 'mom, I'm bisexual' 'ok. So, how does this look for the shirt you were wanting?') I began to look back, initially, at how things might have been different if I had been open the whole time. That lead to my thinking about some past events that I hadn't thought of in a long time. While dwelling on the past I was working as normal. I'm a custom jeweler by trade. While wooing on some earrings and putting them on to check length and weight in my one peirced ear the thought crossed my mind, as it had before, that I would really enjoy wearing those. So, this lead me to look at what I had made of the years, and I realized for the first time that every single piece a was something that in the back of my mind I had been thinking that I would wear it; if only I was a woman.
This now goes to my childhood. When I was 5 I accidentally put an x-acto knife blade in to my right eye so I was rather slowed down by being totally blind for 6 months. Once I learned how to live an work around having no depth perception to speak of I started to question my body a bit. The first was when I was around 7 or 8 and I was thinking that that dangly bit seemed to have no use so I tried pushing out out of the way, as it was just in the way. After about a week of doing what I have now recently learned is called tucking, I was caught doing so by my father. His reaction was just what one would expect out of a military male with a linkage of military service; he lost it. After the lecture on how boys don't do that and to never do it again I went on my way to frightened by this to do so again for a long time.
Later, when puberty hit, I spent most of my time waiting for the chest fiery that never showed. Eventually during this time I was caught, again by my father, trying on some of my mothers clothes; skirts and dresses. After another practice and the threat of a psych evaluation I want back in to hiding. I did find that there were other boys that were just as attractive to me as the girls, but I kept that hidden as well.
Then I come to that small section of hell summoned to torment those of differing opinions, views, and styles from that of the surrounding society; high school. I got out of my Phsy Ed credits for the first year by complaining about my knees a whole lot. Really the reason I didn't want to go was the same reason I wore my gym clothes under my other clothes in middle school; I didn't want to be naked, or near naked, with a bunch of other people, and part of it was a deeply hidden embarisement that my body was not correct. After the first year I didn't go back. In the state of Colorado one can drop out at the age of 16, and take the GED test at 17; I pasted with 85-95% in everything but English, always have problems with spelling and only got 70% there.
I went on throughout the years with much humor and sarcasam to keep me just barely afloat. Hd quite a few relationships, a few really good ones were with men. At one point I got married, still really have no idea why I did that honestly. It just seemed like something fun, and all my friends were doing it... Yeah, so, I got two chileren out of the deal anyway. That ended about as quick as it started too; and very close to how it started. We got married but going to the court hous on a whim, and we got divorced by me going to the court house after getting tired of her not doing anything to help. When she announced to me that she was pregnant the first time it was rather pathetic. ("I'm pregnant, what are we going to do?") my first though when she brought this to me was that she was lucky and why couldn't I trade with her since she obviously didn't want to take part in this. Yes, I was extreamly jelious of her being pregnant, something that I could never do but wanted to, both times. Eventually I Did start hedging the idea, to her and myself, of my possibly being transgender. Her view, to the complete extent, was "that dress might fit you, wear it when you want just don't make me see it and don't tell me about it."
After all of this I'm sure it is understandable that I was a bit nervous when my mind went there again now. When I came back a few days later to my mother to tell her of all of this what I got was a bit shorter than I expected; I got through two points and said the words "I think I am transgender." what I got out of her immediately was "ok, there are plenty of patterns in the cabinet over there, and you'll just need to go get some cloth if you want something made." after she picked up on the fact that I was more shocked than she was she simply said,"I just care that you are happy and complete in your life." It turns out that all the time that my father caught me and lectured me, including all the stuff that I didn't list here, about matters regarding gender identity and sexual preference he never said a word to my mother.
So here I am, way behind where I could be. I have been reading quite a bit over the last few days here and a few other places. I also made myself a gender identity self inventory; if anyone wants to see I would be happy to post it. Most everyone that I know is supportive of this, and I know I am very lucky in that regard. I am going in to a psych clinic tomorrow to start that side. I'm fairly sure at this point that I want to go as far over as possible.
Thanks for reading; and thanks to the staff member who fixes my name even more. ^.^
Demzon
