"I'll Love You No Matter What."

[Cody Jensen]

We often hear parents say this to their children. But sometimes, when we come out them as being trans, they don't always accept us. I am scared that my father will stop loving me when I come out to him (as wanting to be male). He often makes fun of gays, makes racist comments, and even sexist comments sometimes. I ask him all the time "dad, you'll always love me, right? No matter what?" and he says "yes" to this. But I can't help but not believe him. My point in posting this is, why do parents lie to their kids? Why sometimes, like in this case, do they say "I love you no matter what" and then turn their backs on their own kids when they are needed the most?

[Alex201]

I feel you on this...while my parents say they love me they also make a point to tell me I will go to hell and that I am sinning ..or that I'm just being plain "rediculous". It hurts man...to feel that they are judging you all the time. I honestly cannot say why parents do that...they say one thing and then as soon as you say you are trans its like they become cold to you and act as if you are some kind of freak child.

I know you are worried about your dad....I am worried about my parents too..even though I have already come out to them I still worry everytime the subject comes up because I know I am in for a verbal lashing. They do not accept it and are in deep denial. But thats just the way it is...and all I can do is stay true to myself and try not to let it get to me. Remember...even if your parents DO reject you [They may not- you could be surprised!] you have people here at Susans who love you and are here for you. We are all family here and we support each other. So no matter what...you are NEVER unloved and you always have somewhere you belong.


I hope everything goes well and I wish you the best with your family situation.

Good luck!

[Saskia]

I really hope it goes OK, when you tell your parents Josh. But prepared for the worst.

In my case my parents said that and they meant it, however my brothers said the same thing and didn't mean it. My sister never even said it at all. So here I am over 20 years later, with my parents being brilliant, not making any mistakes with my name or pronouns and proud of their daughter but yet all my siblings disowned me and I've not seen any of them since coming out.
You never really know how it will work out, but I will keep my fingers crossed for you.

[Layn]

parents want to love you no matter what, they want to support you no matter what, they really do. But when they are faced with something that just doesn't fit with what they feel is right... it's very confusing to them. but support for them might end up being the opposite of what you need because of that. And each parent does it in a different way, maybe disowning you, maybe forcing you to be what you were born as...

my parents also say things like "we'll always be there for you", and i'm out to them, but they don't understand they've never been there for me and they still aren't. They say they love me, but they don't know how to show it. But i'm lucky, they try not to hinder my transition and i'm still part of the family.

as for your father, make sure if he really means what he says about LGBT people, sometimes people just think it's fun and there's no harm done, but when it comes down to it haven't really formed an opinion on gay people and so on.

[spacial]

While not wishing to judge your father, who is probably a fine chap, if he or any other parent puts conditions on their love then the love really isn't there in the first place.

It isn't completely unknown for parents and their offspring to grow apart.

[JessicaH]

As the parent of four daughters, I can't imagine ANYTHING that would make me stop loving them. I may not like something they do, but I'd still love them. Even if they did horrible, unspeakable acts I would still love them even if I detested what they had done. I could possibly see keeping them out of your life for the most part if they became an out of control drug addict and didnt want help but that is different than to stop loving them.  I'd give the heart out of my chest to my child if that's what they needed to live!

It would be a shock if either of them said they were going to transition and it would take some adjustment but if I knew that's what they had to do to be at peace with themselves and be happy, I would have no choice then to support them in any way I could. Even though it boggles my mind why someone would trade a female body for a male one  LOL  :-)

[Cody Jensen]

As the parent of four daughters, I can't imagine ANYTHING that would make me stop loving them. I may not like something they do, but I'd still love them. Even if they did horrible, unspeakable acts I would still love them even if I detested what they had done. I could possibly see keeping them out of your life for the most part if they became an out of control drug addict and didnt want help but that is different than to stop loving them.  I'd give the heart out of my chest to my child if that's what they needed to live!

It would be a shock if either of them said they were going to transition and it would take some adjustment but if I knew that's what they had to do to be at peace with themselves and be happy, I would have no choice then to support them in any way I could. Even though it boggles my mind why someone would trade a female body for a male one  LOL  :-)

Perhaps you and I see things differently. I sometimes see my female body as a curse. Having to bleed once a month, mood swings, being treated like dirt by some guys (sexism, and even though I live in Canada, there's surprisingly still a lot of it I have to put up with daily), wearing tight shoes and uncomfortable clothing just to please others, etc. I couldn't understand why anyone would want a female body. Of course, these are not the ONLY reasons I want to transition. I just feel more myself when I do boy things (ie hanging out with boys, watching war movies with my dad, etc), and every day my desire to be male grows stronger. I also hate my chest. I guess we have different opinions.

[JessicaH]

Believe me, I understand...  The LOL and the :-) at the end of the statement was to mean it was tongue in cheek. WHile we have the complete OPPOSITE desire, we are in the same boat. Too bad it's not possible to just trade bodies with someone. My heart goes out to you and I hope you are able to find peace with yourself, whatever you have to do.

Big Hug to you, Stacy

[xAndrewx]

I don't think the parents mean it as a lie. I think they believe it when they say it. They just don't think about all of the things that could make them stop loving their kid maybe? I think it's horrible that parents can do that.

I only raised my daughter for 7 months but like Stacy I would've given my life for her. I would've done anything for her as soon as I held her for the first time. I just don't get how parents can hate like that My mom doesn't agree with my choices but even she doesn't get how a parent could do that.

[Cody Jensen]

Too bad it's not possible to just trade bodies with someone.

This. This would make everything so much less complicated. I wish it were possible. And sorry I didn't catch the "LOL and ;-)" at the end. I was just caught up in the whole "wanting to be a boy" thing.

[Shang]

Like some people have said above, I don't think parents are lying when they say that.  They might even still love their child after hearing about their child being trans, but they might have trouble with it conflicting with some belief of theirs.  They also want their child to have as few problems/difficulties in life, and transitioning could cause a whole slew of problems for their child and many parents don't want to see that happening.

I haven't told my parents because I'm scared of what they'll say.  They're pretty open-minded about other trans people, but I'm their child so it's going to be different.  I've even toyed with the thought of just telling them I'm a lesbian and leave it at that (I'm not a lesbian--I just like girls) just so I won't lose them.  My parents are a huge part of my life because of all of the moving that we've done and I can't imagine not having them in my life.  I need to transition, but I need my parents more.

[Summerfall]

I guess it's just ignorance, of themselves, of the real possibilities that 'no matter what' includes.. Not to mention, it's always easy to express a sentiment, but following up on it is more challenging.