Alone

[PhDeeAnn]

Hi. I am DeeAnn.  I have a PhD and 3 Master degrees, and hold 2 martial arts masters. Not to brag, but to show my isolation. I am not a Lynn Conway. I am a 57 yo female, who was "confirmed" in my true gender in 2000 by surgery.  I have lived 6 years as the female I was "born" to be.  I have gone from security guard, back to the fringe of almost being accepted as a professional again.  I make mistakes in adaption..lots of them! However, I am accepted as a female.  and where/when I am not conventionally demure, and docile, I explain that I am a "liberated woman," and that at 50+ I can "damn well do as I please."  I am built like a female Russian athlete, which is a line I use to defuse "my looks." 

And I am alone../ Having a "shrink" degree" is intellectualy satisfying, but not emotionally.  Hard to mingle/relate to a bar crowd at 50+, so I don't. which means other than work colleagues, I have...no one.  Sex is not now, or never really was the important thing... finding an intellectual "accepting" companion is my holy grail.. and I don't care if the person is male, female, or a martian.

I am alone, not in  the martial arts sense, of meditative solitude, which I can handle, or work isolation, which is a "professional privilege."  I am alone... no one to touch or touch me.  no one to hug or be hugged by.  meals for one, and a "lost family," and a "lost
half of my life."  I would not trade who I am for anyone, and I have never regretted "my decision.", but the aloneness!!. and I think of the women who are in marriages, but still alone.  the aloneness, of the sex slaves, and women who can't wait for their husbands to die and "finally be alone,"  the divorced women who wouldn't trade being alone for anything.

Still, I am alone.  e-chat, not the warmth of sour breath, and sweaty, day old perfume and a drink while discussing voltaire, and Sex in the City.  a laugh at a crude joke, or just a smile..and letting the tears flow.  to hear another's breath, in "companionable silence."
to be warm in the living room, or bed, with another.. no demands other than those of friendship and civility.

I am alone..the burden of a unique individual, whether M2F or not? perhaps.  but it is a soul-cold aloneness I would not wish on my worst enemy.  I am zen, and a master or doctor of lots of things.. but knowledge is a cold comfort also, to one who will not accept the ABSOLUT oblivion of the world of alcohol. sigh

I whine? that is just a loud cry!
I am, therefore I exist.
I am sane, with no one to be sane with.
I am intellectually alive, and
I am alone. 

T be clocked as is the topic of this original post is not "my" worst fear. It is to have "made it," successfully transitioned, on the verge of former professional acceptance, and to know I do not fit with the "preops" or the "post-stealth" with the contentment of "just" being another woman.

I am alone...and there are things worse than being clocked, or even raped.

I am alone..and I don't believe this is SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) in my own professional opinion..

I am alone..and hope that by being alone, I can let others have the solace that they are not alone...in being alone.

PhDeeAnn

[Jillieann Rose]

Hi DeeAnn,
Welcome to Susan's.
Here you are not alone. I'm a 50 something person too. I am bi-gender and just now begining to find peace with myself.
There is always someone to talk to here and in ever stage of transision plus other of differnt genders that have no interest are in transitioning.
I would like to encourage you to poat an introduction in https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,8.0.html so that other may get to know you.
I'm glad you found the site.
Please read the site rules at:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html if you haven't already.
Oh and check out our chat and links section too. Have a great read.
Will be looking for more of your posting.

Jillieann and JR

[cindianna_jones]

PhDeeAnn,

Thank you for such an eloquent discussion of being alone.  I've been thinking of posting on this topic for some time.  Your post deserved its own thread and for this reason, I have moved it from its original location.

Cindi

[beckster]

Hey DeeAnn,

I want to reply to what you have said but am struggling to find the right words to use and to even know what to say.  We all experience loneliness at some point in our lives, I can remember reading somewhere that a lot of issues relating to loneliness these days are to do with the way society actually is.  But I don't know if people in our situation, no matter at what point they are on the journey they are taking find loneliness such a more difficult thing to deal with ?  I don't know if you want a reply on what you have said or just needed to get things off your chest.  If it's the later then just hang in there, I know how you feel and how much it can hurt so have hug ...

{{{{{{{{{{{{ DeeAnn }}}}}}}}}}}}}

If you are looking for a reply then let me tell you a little story ...

For the last four days I have pretty much been sat at home by myself.  I have been out the house once to get some gifts for two of my friends and their families who I will hopefully get to see over Xmas.  Apart from that I trip out I haven't spoken to anyone or done anything as I basically feel I don't have anyone to speak to or do anything with.  So having had a lot of time to think about this (which isn't always a good thing), I sort of came to the conclusion that there are two slightly different types of loneliness.  If I have read you post correctly I think you have touched on them both, hopefully I haven't got the wrong end of the stick with what you have said ...

Loneliness because of who we are ?
Is there always going to be a degree of feeling as though we don't fit in, or that there is a certain way for us to fit in or feel ?  Is it just a case of finding the place in your mind where you feel you fit in, living your life the way you think you should and just getting on with things.  I know I probably make it sound so easy but I know it isn't, there are times I have felt I don't fit in with the people around me.  There are times when I have thought I should/shouldn't be feeling a certain way.  Does it matter though, as I have said do you just need to find a happy place for yourself to be ?  Is the only person you need to fit in with actually yourself ?  If you can achieve this then in my mind you are halfway there !!

Loneliness in the social/relationship sense ?
This part is the bit that sucks big time for me at the moment - if only social lives could be bought pre packaged at the supermarket.  If you are looking for that someone special in your life then don't bother, the harder you look the more difficult it seems to be to find them !!  Might sound a strange way to look at it but you will find each other when the time is right.  I know where you are coming from when you say you would like someone there to hug you, sometimes the only thing you need in the world is just a hug from the right person to let you know everythings okay and that there is someone there who cares.  It also sounds like we both feel that apart from work colleagues we have no one.  There are times that I would love to just have someone to go shopping with, or to see after work and have a cuppa with, that sort of thing.  Maybe a friend who I can go catch a movie with or just sit round watching TV with.  Yes, I have two great supportive friends but I don't live that close to them and as I have already said they have kids and families to deal with.  Sorting this one in my mind works the opposite way to what I said about relationships - you have to go out and make friends !!  I know I am stating the obvious here, you sound like an intelligent well educated person so I know you probably know this stuff already.  I have felt so low over the last few days that I am determined not to feel any lower about the whole loneliness thing.  I have made a list of things I enjoy, might enjoy or have an interest in.  Next year I am going to have horse riding lessons and if I can find an astronomy club where I live I will be joining that.  I had medieval sword fighting lessons a while back so I am going to see if I can start them again and maybe even take up archery.  Also, when I was younger I used to love Warhammer/Warhammer 40000 and model railways.  I have found clubs for both of those near where I live so will hopefully be going along to those.  The thought of turning up at these activities/clubs scares me to death but if it helps me meet other people and make friends then it is something I have to do.  There might even be interesting boys there - you never know !! 

Seriously though, loneliness is a difficult thing to deal with.  From what you have said you have achieved so much taking the journey to becoming the person you feel you should have been.  This advice goes for both yourself and for me - you need to control the loneliness, don't let it control you !!  If you can draw up a little list of things you could do/have interest in, etc, do so and then go for it.  I know I make it sound so easy, I know confidence can be another huge thing we have to deal with but once you have done it then I am sure you wont look back !!  You are also a member of this site now, I haven't been here very long but it seems really nice so far and its a good a place as any to meet new people and talk about things !!  Everyone is really friendly and am sure you will be more than welcome

Hope this helps a little 

And oooh, it Christmas Day where I am, so Happy Christmas peeps !!!!  Its all 3am so am going to bed, lol.


Becky
xx

[SusanK]

I am built like a female Russian athlete, which is a line I use to defuse "my looks." (snipped for brevity). And I am alone...

Dee Ann,

Many have already said what all of us wouid have said, welcome and sit down awhile now and then, and be a part of a community. As a mid-late 50's transowman (in transistion), I can partly understand the feelings. I retired to transistion and avoid a lot of the problems of work, careers, etc., which doesn't mean I'm financially rich, just adequate to live and do what I want in life. My point?

Ok, I'll say it out loud (understand kindly too). You're alone. Do you recognize the power and freedom that affords you? I realize many people need social environments and people as part of their innnate being. I'm, however, the opposite. I spend 80+% of my alone, to pursue photography, writing, listening (music, npr, etc.), reading, and so on.  I spend the other 20% with friends, errands, meeting people, etc.

There is a power and freedom in being alone, see Anneli Rufus' book "Party of One", but as the Jimmy Buffett song goes, you'll be alone too. It's the reality to free, to be whatever and whomever you want to be. I can only suggest you give thanks you've had a good life, have a good life now, and can have a great future. And sometimes, events will be that we are and/or feel alone now and then. It's an opportunity to explore new things and find new strengths. Just my thoughts here.

As for the physique, quite a few women would probably be in your range. I pay attention to the diversity of women (being a photographer too) to see where I fit in, and you'd be surprised. Just find a busy mall and watch, or watch a WNBA game. Those women stand out outside the court. Just go with the flow. If anyone asks, "It's the genes and heritage, good sturdy stock." I come from German stock, so I'm partly there too, and as fit as I can be, the middle of the torso is still a larger than normal middle, not svelte as they say.

Sorry to go on. My short answer is a smile and humor goes a long way. As for being alone, the road will provide you new friends, keep your heart open.

--Susan--

[HelenW]

Hi, Dee Ann!  Welcome!

One of my greatest fears about transition has been the possibility of being involuntarily isolated and being alone with no options for companionship.  For reference, I'm 51 and just started HRT 3 months ago.  While my spouse is still with me I have no guarantees that this will continue.  I live in a small town and, as far as I know, am the only transsexual here. 

As I have progressed through my issues I have been lucky to find this site, which helps a great deal.  For all it's benefits, though, it doesn't fully compensate for the lack of one on one interaction. But I have found a support group in the large city near enough to mine that does provide this.

Susan's forums and chat give me daily support whose presence I would sorely miss if I lost it.  I'll be looking forward to reading more from you and I'm again pleased to say,

Welcome ! ! 
helen

[Brianna]

PhDeeAnne,

We talked about a related issue today in chat following some controversial things you said.

One thing I learned in therapy is that there are things that draw people in, and there are things that push people away. I think that you might do well to consider this in contemplating how you present yourself.

I don't think being assertive is at odds with femininity. In the words of a good friend today "Subtley is not exactly your thing, Bri." But that is not a licence for beating people up with your opinion.

Being alone sucks. I was completely alone before transition. Since then, much less.

Bri