I will never find someone to love me.

[spacial]

Paula,

At the risk of repeating myself, I strongly suggest you concentrate on how you deal with others.

Lonliness sucks. But there is no real answer other than if it happens.

I had decided to stop trying at all and to be celbate in my 20s. Please believe me, most of what you describe about your social life, is so similar to mine. Though my relationship with my family was very negative.

I really wish there was a solution, but there isn't. There is no answer. You just need to put it behind you and get on with your life.

[Raven]

One day you will find someone who will love you for you. Don't give up. Looks aren't everything, someone can be gorgous but their personility can be very ugly, if you know what I mean. Same if someone is ugly they can have a beautiful personility. Look at what makes you beatiful, look at all your good traits, and I bet one day if not today you can look in the mirror and say "I'm gorgous".

[alia]

Yo guy.

Tell you what. I won't analyze or try to pinpoint causality for your unhappiness with yourself and the world. I'll just give you a technique. This technique allows you to explore your present experience.

Sometime in the next day, try to remember this post you have going. When you remember this post, try to connect with something that's happening right now. A good mechanism for connecting with the present moment is your breath. Maybe try to follow the sensation of your breath in your nostrils, or in your stomache. How does it feel? Is your stomache tight? Do you feel your breath only coming and going out of one nostril? Feel these sensations, and don't judge them. Just say "I am breathing in and out of my left nostril right now."

Maybe you might feel sensation in your feet. Be with this sensation.  Maybe try to sense how your left hip is feeling.

Connect to the present moment, and observe. There is no goal to this excersize, or any benefits that I will tell you that you need to achieve, just connect and observe. Connect and observe.

Do this when you remember to! It is especially helpful for me when I'm feeling stressed, down, overwhelmed or fearful. Even when I am happy or feeling extremely pleasurable sensations, it is interesting to connect and observe the present moment without judgement.

Good luck!

[JessicaH]

Paula, there is probably a MUCH larger gay community here in Beaumont than you realize. I am going to do what I can for you and I will take you out and introdu e you to as many transforms as I can. I hope we can get together early enough so we can get you all prettied up before going out. You are about to have more friends and your world is about to change. I promise you that!

There is a huge trans community an hour away in Houston and I can take you with me one evening and we can go out with my friends and be ourselves.  You are an attractive guy and im sure that with a little help, you can be a beautiful young woman. If you fight me about it, I will get 10 drag queens to drag you in the VIP room for a makeover!  Lol

I know some drag queens that don't have half of what you have going for you and they look beautiful. I know YOU can too!  I really look forward to meeting with you on sunday. Hopefully, we can get you outfitted to go out propoerly!  :-)

[jamherst]

Jamherst you don't know how bad i wished you lived in Texas, we would be great friends, you would be like the brother i never had . I just wanna say considering your pic, you look like you can kick ass!

and vibes i understand what your saying and your right, and like you and Valerie said i just need to love my self, it is very hard though when no one else does.

I didn't believe it before when people told me, I  need to love yourself, and I still don't believe it sometimes. But something about that logic is beginning to break through. There's something about self-confidence and love that creates positive energy and attracts it at the same time. Nobody can convince you to love yourself, you need to realize it yourself. However...in the meantime, we can still support each other in the down times ^^;.

And I wished I lived in Texas too..it's getting mighty cold up here in moose land..

[Dominick_81]

Paula_Itoi,
     I can totally relate to what you are saying. I feel the same way. I have never had a relationship before and I hate that. I want a girlfriend so bad it kills me. I'm shorter than you. I'm about 4'10. I feel that since I'm short and I'm trans no straight girl is gunna wanna date me.

I know how frustrating it is. I'm frustrated as hell.  I think about being alone for the rest of my life and I just wanna cry cause I feel like I will never find a straight girl that will date a short trans guy. But we gota think positive that there is someone out there for us and hopefully we will find that person soon.

[Jake_to_Jackie]

Paula, there is probably a MUCH larger gay community here in Beaumont than you realize. I am going to do what I can for you and I will take you out and introdu e you to as many transforms as I can. I hope we can get together early enough so we can get you all prettied up before going out. You are about to have more friends and your world is about to change. I promise you that!

There is a huge trans community an hour away in Houston and I can take you with me one evening and we can go out with my friends and be ourselves.  You are an attractive guy and im sure that with a little help, you can be a beautiful young woman. If you fight me about it, I will get 10 drag queens to drag you in the VIP room for a makeover!  Lol

I know some drag queens that don't have half of what you have going for you and they look beautiful. I know YOU can too!  I really look forward to meeting with you on sunday. Hopefully, we can get you outfitted to go out propoerly!  :-)

I keep counting down the days i am so so excited i hoe i dont embarrass my self.

[Jake_to_Jackie]

your words make me sad Dee, you look gorges in your display pic, and i am being completely honest when i say this, you look a surprisingly lot like my real mother. And if you ever wanna meet id love to talk with you, and try and give you some happiness in your life, because you were sweet enough to try and cheer me up when i was sad so i wanna do the same for you me .


But i agree with you that i need to get out of here ASAP I am trying everything to make my way to S.F. bay of California if any one lives there and would be willing to have a tiny sister bunk with them i  would love love love the opportunity.

[tekla]

The SF Bay Area is a most beautiful places in the world, with a perfectly awesome climate for human beings, and a world-class center for industry, finance, the arts, sports, world trade, and education.  The use of the phrase "San Francisco Values" pretty much proves that we are, in fact, the epitome of modernity, the veritable archetype of liberal progressive social and political values.

It's a major tourist destination, there are millions and millions, and millions of people from all over the world who just want to visit here for a few days.  And though it's not everyone, it should come as no surprise that there are a hella lot of people who want to live here.  And they want to live here for reasons as varied as spending the live kicking on the beach and catchin' some tasty waves to becoming a multi-millionaire before they are 30.  They come from all over the world.  And we're cool with that.  It means that straight-lace corporate business types (and we got tons, its a major corporate center) sit next to punk rockers (we got's lots of those too) on the bus, while I can go from the front of that bus to the back and hear at least 7 different languages spoken.  So it's not exactly an 'English Only' kind of place.  And those San Francisco Values pretty much decree that you have to be cool with all that too. 

For whatever reason -and I'm not sure what it is - people tend to group and clump together, and given the population that its drawing from it should not be surprising that within the Bay Area there are HUGE differences in what's going on, in the climate (both physical as well as social), the opportunities, and the people.  Living in Fremont or Walnut Creek is way different from living in West Marin or West Sonoma counties.  Living in San Francisco is way different from living in Oakland - even though they sit across from each other and look at each other.

Because of all of this and more, lots more there are two things that pretty much are true.
1. It's really, really, really - and I mean you can't believe it (unless you're from NYC) - expensive.
2. It's really, really, really highly-competitive.  You have to bring your "A" game.  You have to pretty much drip self-confidence all the time.

[Aidan_]

Hm. The only thing I can say is you must focus on yourself first. Once you have changed all you want and accepted yourself in every way...then you can focus on a love life.

[alia]

Oh the Bay.

Seattle's cooler! ->-bleeped-<-'s way to expensive down there. We're total snobs though. The rest of the nation is occupied by barbarian facists who drink burnt coffee.

I kid.

Seriously though girl, anywhere on the west coast. SF, though expensive, is RAD. Portland is great and really cheap, but their economy is really really bad right now. Seattle is great, but cold and rainy, and we're notorious for being passive aggressive. It's hard to make friends here. That being said, we have a really strong, highly variable economy, and the most beautiful setting for a city besides (maybe, just maybe) Vancouver BC.

Anyway, my PNW snobbery shows through yet again. We don't transplant for a reason. If you like freezing cold rain, its the place for you.

EDIT:

Proof of beautifulnessitivity:

[Jake_to_Jackie]

are you offering me a place lol. i kid, I would love to pack up and just move to Seattle i live in a very wet climate and i prefer the cold over the hot mostly because i live in a wet hot humid land, I would pack up and move there tonight if i could but i could'nt

[alia]

Sorry lady, I'd love you offer you a spot but i'm getting ready to accumulate massive amounts of debt, live with my parents, and go back to school (I'm stoked, but I'm not stoked, nahmeen).

Do you have a college degree? The academic environment is probably the best place to transition. Plus, Seattle is kind of absurd to try to live in without a piece of paper, nahmeen?

[Jake_to_Jackie]

Well everyone that just told me i am not a idiot i just proved THAT wrong I just got sent home from work because i was too dumb to even function as a fry cook, i got sent home and i was so tied of my self and i was so angery with my self i punched the wall like a idiot, and now i got a write up. I hate my self i cant do any thing right, this is why I will never get a job better than this. Why is it that every thing i touch turns to ->-bleeped-<-, I cant do any thing right at all. Whats the point any more I am such a screw up im tired of this stupid body and the brain attached to it.

[alia]

Paula, are you seeing a gender therapist? Counseling can help you develop tools to deal with emotions like frustration and inadequacy.

You can do it hun. The fundamental quality of all things, emotions included, is that they come, only to fade away.

Muah!

Alia

[Jake_to_Jackie]

I cant afford it because i am too poor because (part of this sick joke some like to call a life) Were i was born, the family i grew up in, and my own retarded mind i was never able to succeed in high school, so while everyone else was getting real job and doing something with there lives im living in my parents house and i cant even a ford to go to the dentist to fix my freaked up(you have to understand how hard it is for me to be PG-13 right now) teeth, so to answer your question no i can not afford a therapist. I'm a wreck and i cant even afford a mechanic to fix me. but the punchline, im so against suicide every time i try I am unable to go through with it, because im too scared to even try...but (and im only telling this because this site is as close to therapy that ill ever beadle to afford) I have tried three times before, once with that spice stuff i tried to smoke enough to kill my self all that happened is i got a great high and nothing else not even a head ache the next morning, I tried to overdose on melatonin all that happened i passed out and woke up two days later. finally i tried to use a computer wire from the roof, could not even got the dumb wire around my neck before i just curled up on the bed and cried my self to sleep.

What can I say im like Vincent van gouh :/

[alia]

Where do you live? You might be able to see someone on a sliding scale basis.

If you need to, I'd call a crisis line, oftentimes they can provide a referral to sliding scale/subsidized counseling. You need this, so make it your first step toward transition.

Hun, it's easy to be overwhelmed with all this stuff. Fear and pain are intense emotions, but they're your reality right now. You can get through this. If you look at the entire situation you're in all the time, you will be consistently overwhelmed. Maybe try looking at your next step- something you can do right now- toward transition and being who you are. Maybe it's calling a crisis line. Maybe it's searching for sliding scale gender counseling. Maybe it's getting up and going to work, and holding your tongue when you get angry. Just know that this is a step toward becoming the beautiful woman that you are.

This is hard work, and no one will pick you up and carry you. You must develop discipline and smile upon the task at hand. You must cultivate happiness from within. You can do it!

Keep posting darling. Let us know when you meet up with StacyBeaumont. What a great step to take! Meeting other successful trans people is amazing and inspiring.

Perserverance!

[Jake_to_Jackie]

your right i need help, I just went from contemplating suicide to now laughing hard at Jeff Dunham, That's definition of depression, I need help honestly what is this sliding scale you speak of?

[CaitJ]

Hey, I felt the same way when I was 22.
Yet here I am, 10 years on, engaged to be married to an amazing man, fully transitioned and surrounded by people who love me.
A LOT can happen in 10 or even 5 years. Never forget that.

[Arch]

Paula, a lot of therapists will charge some patients according to income. The less money you make, the less you pay, to a certain point.

It would help if you could relocate to a large city with a good LGBT center--you can get low-cost counseling at some centers--but smaller areas often have free or almost-free therapy for low-income people who meet certain criteria and who are willing to jump through certain hoops. The therapists are often interns, but you might find it worthwhile to look into your city/county mental health services. I honestly don't know much about this stuff. Maybe you can start a new thread about finding counseling for low-income individuals.

Hotlines are often useful when you feel you can't take it anymore.