Making love to the wife

[Stephanie Stephens]

I can't get it up anymore but I still have the desire to make love to my wife. I have offered to put on a strap-on dildo and make love to her but she won't have anything to do with that. I know that she is not happy with the situation and I don't know what to do. Any ideas please.

[Karla]

But surely you must have known this would happen eventually, right?
I'm the farthest thing from an expert but perhaps there are plenty of ways to make love to another person..

[Aidan_]

She's not into just foreplay and sex toys? Oh dear....I'm assuming you're on HRT? I don't know if things like viagra would still help...you can ask your doc if you're curious.

[sarahla]

Hi, my suggestion is to stop taking anti-androgens, assuming that you are taking them, and to just take estrogen and progesterone.  That will elevate your testosterone levels a bit (E will still keep it lower on its own) and you should be able to get it up.

I should point out that if you are working towards becoming a biological woman, having no penis but rather a vagina is the end result, so the problem will come eventually, unless you want to be in the middle, which is okay too.

My thought for the moment is to stop suppressing your T levels.  I know that is okay, at least with pellets, as I discussed this particular topic with my endo at the time.

[azSam]

Viagra should still help.

[Janet_Girl]

Use a penile pump.  You can stay on  HRT, avoid the complications of Viagra.  And is can be part of fore play.

[spacial]

I'm in the same club. Though not on any HRT of any kind.

I just don't like it and never really did.

I started trying to do it, because I convinced myself that I had to, (or should). Fortunately, my wife realised and told me that she didn't want it any more.

That was after about 10 years if marriage, almost 20 years ago. I've not had any sexual activity with anyone since and don't miss it at all.

Perhaps you could discuss the matter with your wife. But I suggest you ask her what she wants.

[Elsa]

you would need to first ask her dear about what she wants and then decide what you want after which is best you speak to your doc/endo/therapist about what/how is the best method of enjoying it...

[28BROOK]

Same problem different reason.  Tried a strap on but was too big and failed to use enough lubrication.  A lesson in laughter and pain.

Did the penile pump but couldn't comprehend how to use a rectangular cock ring.  Tried another cock ring but not even that helped.

Contemplated using an evening of massage with different massage oils and possibly the introduction of a variation of a vibrating egg and some other intimate details till I broke my foot making it difficult to maneuver around.  I am considering that sometime this weekend.

If nothing else Google to learn what you can on how lesbians make love.

Brook

[JessicaH]

I hate to wreck anyones backup plan but Viagra or other ED DRUGS will not help if the ED is caused from LOW T.  The half life of T is short so it may be ok to use a dose of T GEL now and then with viagra or cialis.

Does your wife care for ANY part of making love with you ir is she just against the strap on? You may want to start with a small vibe that has the REAL SKIN material then work up to the SO.

[annette]

Hi Stephany

making love to your wife can be done in different ways.
It not only penetration, it's the warmth, the comfort being with the one you love.
How many women do have an orgasm with penetration.....yeah right.
While most women do have one with stimulating the clitoris, hugging, saying sweet (and sometimes dirty) words.
If penetration is all about,  lesbians should not have a fine sexlife.
Well believe me, they have.
So, the suggestion is, make love on another way, after all your mouth is not only to talk with.

I'll hope it work out for you


hugs
annette

[GinaDouglas]

You have to think about the emotional component, from the wife's side.  It's bad enough to feel that she is not woman enough to keep her man a man, but worse yet not to be be able to get it up.  She is probably feeling inadequate and not-very sexy.  Until you deal with that, mechanical stuff is not going to matter.

[sarahla]

GinaDouglas:  You brought up a good point.  I like what you said.  A big problem for trans women who are married to a woman prior to HRT and SRS probably married thinking that she would have a lifelong friend for her vagina.  She felt that she is attractive and as you said can get it up.  I do not have a vagina (yet), but I can imagine that she has nerves in her vagina and feels the penetration, likes it, and feels connected in this way.  There are millions of years, couples, and social / religious prodding (or whatever a good word is here) to reinforce penetrative sex.  With what she knew as her husband now becoming a wife, there is a huge issue of her having to deal with not only the loss of a husband (and gaining a wife), but the loss of a "friend" for her vagina.  I can understand both sides and I do not know what the fairest thing is, although I do know that staying "male" is not an option if one was born female.

Good point.

[long.897]

I hate to wreck anyones backup plan but Viagra or other ED DRUGS will not help if the ED is caused from LOW T.  The half life of T is short so it may be ok to use a dose of T GEL now and then with viagra or cialis.

Does your wife care for ANY part of making love with you ir is she just against the strap on? You may want to start with a small vibe that has the REAL SKIN material then work up to the SO.

I'm pretty sure that this isn't the case.  PDE5 inhibitors ARE less effective when taken with Cyproterone though, which might be the origin of this idea.  To simplify it a great deal, Sildenafil is eliminated by a group of CYP enzymes, most notably CYP3A4.  The level of these enzymes varies from person to person, which is one reason that some drugs have a varied effect.  Regardless of your baseline, there are a number of drugs that affect the level of these CYP enzymes.  CYP3A4 levels may be elevated, or inhibited, depending on the other medications that you may be taking.  Cyproterone happens to increase levels of CYP3A4, which means that the Sildenafil will be eliminated from the body much faster than it would under other conditions. 

I fail to see how the half-life of testosterone has any bearing in this situation. 

[CaitJ]

Is penetrative, vanilla sex the only thing that gets her off?
There are hundreds of other ways of manking sexy times without a penis involved; she may be open to one of those.

[alia]

Is penetrative, vanilla sex the only thing that gets her off?

QUOTE OF THE DECADE

Also, Long.897

You seem to know what's up. Are you up on your endocrinology? I want to know (without paying for an office visit just yet) if it's effective to get on low doses of E to erm... well... maintain my features as they are now, without making any full on transition-level HRT changes until I'm ready. I'm interested in the emotionally stabilizing effects of HRT at this point, and I'm certainly not ready to start a hormone-based medical transition yet, but I'd love to start and see how my brain changes as early as possible.

Are you a physician? I'm getting my EMT certs as soon as possible for my 2000 hours of clinical experience for a PA masters. Stoked.

[Stephanie Stephens]

Thank you all for your helpful ideas. I am taking finasteride for prostrate issues (bph) so I don't think it would be a good idea to quit that and I am only taking a low dose of estrogen. I may talk to my doc and look into Viagra or what ever the VA hands out. I think I need, somehow, to deal with her inadequacy issues as well. 

You all have given me lots to think about and I thank you. This is really a great site and a great family.

[JessicaH]

I will post back up on my info as far as the efficacy of viagra/cialis concurrant with low testosterone. Also,  the relavency of the half life of the T is that you can take T (to take care of the wife now and then) and it will be out of your system pretty quickly.  The free t drops VERY quickly but it will take a bit for the t receptors to loose the bound T but the bound Tshouldnt cause you much problems.

Witno or VERY LOW t, there will not be enough nitrous oxide in the blood for the ED drugs to work as they work by slowing the degradation of the NO2 which causes levels to rise and stay elevated.

If you are only taking a 5 ALPHA reuctase inhibitor like finasteride and low dose E, viagra ir cialis should help you as you should have enough T in your system for it to work.

[long.897]

QUOTE OF THE DECADE

Also, Long.897

You seem to know what's up. Are you up on your endocrinology? I want to know (without paying for an office visit just yet) if it's effective to get on low doses of E to erm... well... maintain my features as they are now, without making any full on transition-level HRT changes until I'm ready. I'm interested in the emotionally stabilizing effects of HRT at this point, and I'm certainly not ready to start a hormone-based medical transition yet, but I'd love to start and see how my brain changes as early as possible.

Are you a physician? I'm getting my EMT certs as soon as possible for my 2000 hours of clinical experience for a PA masters. Stoked.

Not a doctor, just an enthusiastic bio-nerd.  I'm hoping to get a PhD and work on the research side of things one day, but for now I'll have to settle for self-teaching while I work on getting things in order to enter university.  It sounds like you're considering self-medding, and it's really something that I'd personally reconsider; hormones put you at an increased risk for a lot of serious health problems, and it's good to be under a doctor's care who will be able to identify the warning signs, and react accordingly.  If you're looking to slow the masculinization rather than induce feminization though, an AA would probably be better suited.  You shouldn't take just an AA for too long; a few months is fine, but using it as a long term option offers a lot of health complications. 

[azSam]

You shouldn't take just an AA for too long; a few months is fine, but using it as a long term option offers a lot of health complications.

It's true, if you remove the testosterone, you're masculinization will slow down or cease. But if you take away a hormone you should replace it with something. Because a lot of complications can form.