Me and my lil' problems

[shine]

First I want to start off with saying I have no idea where to place this thread. I suppose this is the most fitting for now, but mods, please move it if it's wrong.

Anyway. This is going to be long.

I'm a 17 (soon 18) year old, born female. I have never been a girly girl, and since I was 14 I have become more and more boy-ish, if you get what I mean. I've always felt more comfortable in pants and loose t-shirts, I can't take when people talk to me as a cute little girl, it's just not me. I have found it bearable, to be female, but I have, for years, preferred male.

It got more serious the last summer. I cried myself to sleep, I felt anxious for weeks, all because my body wasn't what I wished it was. I looked into it more, and it never had never occurred to me before that I might be a transsexual. However, I'm so not sure about it, which makes me doubt that I'd actually want a transition. If someone asks me "If you could have been born a boy, would you choose that?" I would definitely say yes without hesitating, but the whole transition feels like such a huge step for me. I'm now used to being a 'girl', as much 'girl' as I am. Which isn't a lot.

I've been 'crossdressing' for a while. As in, dressing as the gender I feel like. When wearing girly clothes I feel like a crossdresser. I don't crossdress every day, though. But, for now this is what I'd call me, rather than FtM transsexual. I, at this moment, think I can live with being physically female as long as I can dress and act as a boy.

My classmates don't exactly know about this all, but they seem to notice anyway. They have given me the male version of my name as a nickname, even some teachers have started calling me by that name. They treat me as one of them (I'm in an all boys class. Yes, I'm the only female there, but I don't feel like the >only female<), they don't treat me as a girl. I'm happy with that. Even if they're sometimes joking around about it, I don't mind at all. It feels right for me to be referred to as male.

My dad doesn't seem to be accepting me completely either. He has always been going on about how he wanted a son (I have a little sister too), and I just wish what I'm going through right now could make him happy... But no, he talks about how I should try wearing a dress because I'll get used to it and start liking it. You go wear a dress
My mom seems to understand more. Last weekend we were out shopping, me, her and my sister, and we were looking for clothes for Christmas. Sister was looking for a dress, and I randomly commented with "Can't I just wear a nice shirt and tie?". Mom thought I said "she" instead of "I" and replied with "No, because she's a girl", in a way that made it sound like I wasn't. I was truly happy when she said that, and then went to the guy's part of the store and bought me a shirt.

But well, to the problems.
1. I want to go full out with my 'crossdressing', as in binding. I do it at home or when I'm out, but in school I don't, because I'm half afraid of my classmates' reactions. I don't have big breasts (actually I have more no than actual breasts, haha), and when wearing a tight sports bra I look flat. But I'm afraid.
2. I love make-up. I don't wear it daily anymore, but I love playing around with it. I also love doing my hair. It's at the moment dyed in two colours and it's grown quite long, but it's still not completely girly. You could say it looks like a femmy emo boy haircut. I don't want to cut my hair off, and I don't want to stop playing with my make-up entirely just to be seen as a boy. I mean, there are biological men who do that too, right?
3. I'm still not sure about being an actual transsexual, or just.. well, what I am. What am I? I'll just say I'm me for now, lol. Though, should I go see someone, like a psychologist or something? To talk about it? Or should I just wait some more?

I'm so confused.

If anyone read all this, thank you, and congratulation for actually reading it through, haha. If no one reads it I guess I got a chance to just write out out, so thanks anyway.

[spacial]

Problem 1. Do it. That's all I can say really. It is no-body's business what your breasts look like. The boys in your class should be concentrating on their work. From your descriptions, they probably do.

Problem 2. Why should you stop? If it's fun, do it.

Problem 3. That is something that only you can answer. It may take time, it may take years. But only you know. As for going to see a psychologist. Do you think you need to?

Sorry to be obtuse, but that final problem is a matter for you. I can say that, here, there is always a sympathetic 'ear'. Those of us who've spent any time here will tell you, in about a week, your thoughts will become clearer. It's quite amazing to be able to say anything, without judgement and know you will get support in return.

And it's brilliant to have you here.

[shine]

Thank you. I guess you're right about that third question - I should decide that on my own. I'm just so confused, I'm not even sure what I want and what I think. But of course, no one other than me can make such a decision.. Now that you say it, I realize that, haha. 

[spacial]

You can only decide on your own. But believe me, many many people have asked that question.

The best thing to do is follow your heart. You want to bind your breasts to make them less noticable. Do it.

You want to wear makup, experiment with your appearance. Do.

Have fun with yourself. Share your thoughts and anxieties with people here. You'll make a load of friends here in no time. I only have friends on here.

But there's pleanty of time. You just live your life as you want to.

[xAndrewx]

Spacial is right.

From a transguys point of view if I wanted to wear makeup or do my hair I would and it wouldn't make me any less trans. It would make me a guy who likes makeup.

If you want to bind, do it. If you want to wear makeup, do it. Just do what makes you happy. If your classmates treat you like a male and your chest is already small and you want to bind I doubt the guys will notice. If they do they probably will just figure you're wearing a tight bra.

As for your last question, personally I think everyone in the world should have someone to talk to about everything they can't in everyday life, That's always been my opinion. If you feel you need a psychiatrist go see one. If you do see one and you aren't trans then at least you learned something about yourself but, as much as it sucks to say it, only you know for sure.