Transition or suicide

[Just Shelly]

Hi All,
I am fairly new here.

I have struggled to accept myself for a very long time, even though I have been on hrt for awhile I still struggle, sometimes severely. In the past I have always said I will just transition, its better then suicide. I'm not sure if thats true or not?

I have been in transition for over a year and a half. I still haven't accepted the fact that I am doing what I am. I feel part of the reason is I'm not out to no one.

Even though I have not fully accepted my self, I have seemed to assimilate my new gender without really knowing it, I will explain.

Last weekend I had a very emotional breakdown, I finally managed to go to bed, as I lay there I started to repeat to my self "I want to be a man" over and over. I finally did fall asleep.

It didn't dawn on me until a couple days after, what I was feeling.

Years ago I would lay in bed praying to my self " I wish I would wake up, and be a girl". Now years later I was hoping to be a man. WAIT I am a man, I thought.

I guess what I am trying to say is. Even though I have not fully accepted myself, I have somehow thought of my self as female and at that time of misery I felt like I wanted to transition to male. I wasn't thinking to my self I will stop transitioning and be male again, it felt like I would try and become male instead.

I did not realize my thinking until later, but when i did it was a strange feeling. I dont feel as if I am female all the time, mostly because I am not full time or even out to anyone, but I think my brain feels otherwise.

If this make no sense to anyone  I understand because its hard to explain how I felt at that time.

If anyone is concerned, I am over my breakdown. I have no idea what caused it, but it wasn't a good one. I was probably the closet to suicide I have ever been. I know though I will never do that, I have three wonderful children that still love me (for now at least)

Shelly

[Muffin]

Parts of what you wrote I've said over and over in my head and my reasons for transition were the same, do or die.
I don't think you'll get many people advocating suicide here though from my own experiences I could write a pretty convincing essay explaining it's positives and justifications, but I won't
I think with transition you don't have to completely deny your past or the things that made you you.. I struggle with this because I worry that if I don't change certain things about me then my family will still latch on to that as being ME the male part they can use to justify their views on me from the past.
I was thinking this morning that after so many years I'd like to think that I will be able to try my hardest to act like my old self yet fail and fail hard... it's what I want to happen but I cant say for sure (though from what I heard it most likely will). There are a lot of people out there that have a mix of both male and female yet there system is one or the other so it can be hard to tell. I've said to my mum before, "If I'd said that with a more feminine demurer then you wouldn't be looking at me the way you are". But that takes time...people don't always see beyond the flesh and those two worlds clash for what we feel and what people see.
Sometimes while I'm out I'll see a lot of girls that walk in a straight line and look very self conscious and almost nervous and then see guys that walk with a swagger and obviously give off a vibe that they don't care how people view their basic actions such as walking.. yet when I'm out I'll walk on walls and jump around I don't wanna be rigid and take up as little space as possible, I think I still pass for this though.

It's also like identity and personality are intertwined with each other and we have to unwind them and let our bodies fix our identity in relation to our physical self while using our hearts and minds to take care of the personality side. There are no rules, life is change this can be just a huge spring clean... but if there are parts you wanna keep then keep them hopefully with time they'll morph to be more of your new self than the old self yet still be as they always were. If that makes any sense.

I feel that GID before HRT is one thing but GID during HRT/transition is another thing completely. it's not always a fun period to be going through but we have to give it a chance and help ourselves as well to get to where we feel we should be. Be open to the changes that are necessary to be happy.
I've met TSs that say meh to all that and just get half way and use the excuse "this is just who I am".. I have very little to say on that but it is an option.
Sometimes I think we want things to happen overnight and we get frustrated when they don't... little things we dislike about ourselves we feel must change for us to get on with life yet they can take forever. It's like walking over hot beach sand and getting impatient to get to the cool refreshing water.

[spacial]

You're having doubt Shelly, perfectly normal.

There's a lot to deal with here. The world is basically hostile and we need to take each step as we feel we can manage it.

[Virginia]

Last weekend I had a very emotional breakdown, I finally managed to go to bed, as I lay there I started to repeat to my self "I want to be a man" over and over...Years ago I would lay in bed praying to my self " I wish I would wake up, and be a girl".

I have had two breakdowns, Shelly. The first when my female self revolted to be able to express herself after 35 years of being locked away. The second, 14 months later, when my male self refused to be locked away. It took a year and a half of therapy, transition level HRT and hundreds of hours presenting as each gender to realize I am a girl who likes expressing herself as a guy but is unwilling to give up her femininity- quite convenient actually, being a bio male. It may not be a matter of acceptance, Shelly. Have you ever considered that you might also be bigendered?

[Jillieann Rose]

Yes doubts are normal. For a short time both my created male self and my true female self fought with each other but now I am happy to be the women I am. (Not the body, instill working on that.)
Often it starts from outside pressers.
Hang in there girl.
Jillieann

[ameliat]

Shelly,
I am in my 50s and I have been to therapy for several years and still have those problems. For me is is compounded...by these factors.
1. My faith in the Lord (why did God make me this way?)
2. My love for my family with the exception of my wife does NOT know my GID struggle.
3. What society thinks, they don't understand and think we are perverts.
4. Feelings I could not pass as female. I have a very male body, no hips what so ever! And HRT is not giving me any.

Yes troubles with accepting myself.  I have asked God to heal me over and over. I feel like a freak many times. GID has effected all of my life. It affects my work, my faith, my relationships, my time, my feelings, my hopes and my dreams.   I have buried it but as I told my therapist it is like holding a big ball under the water, it wants to pop up.  I think I can live as male and then for a bit I do...but then my wanting to be female comes out again.  I have wanted to be a girl since a little child. One of my earliest childhood memories is of my mother going into the ladies rest room but I could not go. It really it me when I was 7 years old. I could never tell my Mom and Dad. My Dad would of beat me. I don't konw what my Mom would of done. I remember my brother found a letter I had writen to God telling him I wanted to be a girl. He told my Mom about it but I denied it veimently! I ordered teen magazine as a teen ager, it was for girls, our rural male carried made a comment once to my parents about why I got it.  I am still in denial to some sort. I know my children would be so embarrassed if they knew.  And they would disown me. My wife at least trys to understand. She has come to accept it over the years. We have been married for over 30 years.  She never wants me to tell anyone too. So I try to live a male life, hoping that I can continue to do so for the sake of my career and my family. I know if I came out at work it would be the end of my job.   It is moslty so I can have a relationship with my family that I continue to live this way.  HRT has helped some. I can say that for sure.   I don't know that we are ever going to feel normal or cured?  Do we? What is the rest of your experiences?
Thanks
Amelia

[Just Shelly]

I have had two breakdowns, Shelly. The first when my female self revolted to be able to express herself after 35 years of being locked away. The second, 14 months later, when my male self refused to be locked away. It took a year and a half of therapy, transition level HRT and hundreds of hours presenting as each gender to realize I am a girl who likes expressing herself as a guy but is unwilling to give up her femininity- quite convenient actually, being a bio male. It may not be a matter of acceptance, Shelly. Have you ever considered that you might also be bigendered?

Hi Virginia
Yes at times I have felt that way, more so probably now because I'm in the andro stage, and I don't present much.

My goal is GRS, I do not think any other way. I don't like the stage I'm in right now, am I male am I female. At times I get embarrassed when someone Maam's me, other times (mostly) I want to smile so badly.

I hope that one day I can be like others I have heard about and my gid will be no longer even without GRS. I feel though it may take me my GRS to fully feel like I am cured.

I know so much of the cure is self accepting. See other post below.

Best Wishes
Shelly

[Just Shelly]

1. My faith in the Lord (why did God make me this way?)
2. My love for my family with the exception of my wife does NOT know my GID struggle.
3. What society thinks, they don't understand and think we are perverts.
4. Feelings I could not pass as female. I have a very male body, no hips what so ever! And HRT is not giving me any.

This is EXACTLY how I have felt and continue feeling.

I struggle early on with God, I still do at time but I have very different views on how God is invovled in my life so I am a little better on how I feel spiritually.

My family, YES this is a big struggle. I fear mostly with my children. I don't fear that they wouldn't accept me, I fear that others may treat them differently all because of my CHOICES

Society, YES thats a big one also. I don't think that it helps that there are a few trans out there that are, well, "out there" and also the (she males, ->-bleeped-<-s, and cross dressers that want to present publicly and so forth).

Feelings of I can not pass. YES those are always with me. I am one that feels I have to pass 100%. I am not happy at 90%. I do pass now and I am fortunate to have many female traits, hands, feet, no adams apple small frame, very thin, long hair(now) breasts (almost a B) although little butt and hips. I still struggle with do I pass every time I present.

Best Wishes
Shelly

[ameliat]

Shelly,
  We are in the same groove to some extent.  You are a lot closer to passing than I am. So rejoice over that.  We all have doubts and fears. I think I was born with GID because this has given me compassion for others who hurt.  If I was more selfish than I am I would probably be living full time as a woman for many years. I love my wife very much. She loves me. But if I lived full time as a woman she could not do that with me becuase she could not stand what society would say and what our children would say, and our extended family. We live in a very rural area, that is more conservative in nature. 

I wish you well on your journey.  It is a journey.  It can be a struggle at times. Too often we let others cause us to struggle.  How would our lives be different if our families, society, friends and co workers would rejoice and accept us and celebrate with us our differences?  If they all would it would make our lives so much easier I think.  Just pray through your journey and don't make any rash quick decisions, like suicide.   Realize life is a struggle.  But you CAN be a champion and live through them, and you have been a Champion in your life so far too!   Sometimes I think we just need to say to the world. This is the way I am, if you don't like it, it is your problem.  I wish I could say that more.
Best to you,
Amelia

[Jalene E.]

Hi Shelly,

As many others have stated doubt is something that most of us had and do deal with. Although I never had to deal with your feelings as I have always had the heart and mind of a female. I hated my male body to the point I wanted to kill it so many times that if I received a dollar for each time I could pay for my SRS.

My issue was whether to transition or not because of fear. Fear of losing family plus where I live is a rural area that is quite open about being anti LGBT. With therapy and looking to God for His wisdom, knowledge and understanding I am doing very well today. I have to believe that once we realize our own hearts all these doubts will fade away it just takes time to find the real you. Take your time baby its a tough road to deal with ourselves but remember to be honest with yourself. If in your heart you believe to be bigender then embrace yourself for who you are as there are many shades of life.

As for the question, "why did God make me this way"? Honey God did not make you who you are. Religion has promoted that God creates each individual and this is false teaching. I studied the Bible and the ancient language and customs in which it had been written for nearly thirty years. There is nothing in the Bible that says God creates each individual.

Even though you may never take your own life keep those thoughts far from yourself as they will keep you from becoming who you truly are. Where you allow your mind to go is what you will live, think about what you are thinking about. I wish the best for you and truly hope you discover Shelly.

[Just Shelly]

 

Shelly,
If I was more selfish than I am I would probably be living full time as a woman for many years. I love my wife very much. She loves me. But if I lived full time as a woman she could not do that with me becuase she could not stand what society would say and what our children would say, and our extended family. We live in a very rural area, that is more conservative in nature. 
I think this is something WE both need to overcome. I too feel very selfish with what I am doing, not so much now (I'm under cover so to speak) but more so in fear when I do come out. WE have to realize this is something we have suppressed for many years, WE maybe could be better people if everyone knew. I know eventually I will have too come out. I do not ever plan on stopping HRT and my goal is to live full time. I just don't know how I will ever get the courage.

This is why sometimes I like to read or view some of the trans that maybe are "out there" at least they don't care what others think. I have to get to that point. THIS IS MY LIFE NOT THERE'S. Its different though when you have community ties like Schools, church, sports (kids) work....I could pass 110% percent with people I know, but I still would be a Trans woman to them, and never pass 100%. I wish you well on your journey.  It is a journey.  It can be a struggle at times. Too often we let others cause us to struggle.  How would our lives be different if our families, society, friends and co workers would rejoice and accept us and celebrate with us our differences?  If they all would it would make our lives so much easier I think.  Best to you,
Amelia

We both need to get over this. People now a days are so much more accepting. There are still people that don't, always will be. That's the world. We have the ability to control how we feel when others are not accepting we just don't have the ability to control that they do accept us. I have no problems with people not accepting me if I was gay, fat, ugly, or trans just don't treat me like I murdered someone. That is what I see and fear alot.

Thank you Ameila, You seem very caring and a nice person. I like to say person I think someone can be a caring, sensitive, understanding and nice male or female. I do not mean any disrespect not saying female.

Best Wishes

[Nicky]

Hi Shelly,

It is a hard place to be in where you are at.

I wonder, it sounds like you don't have a lot of support. For that you probably need to come out. Keeping all that stuff hidden is soo hard.

Go well Shelly. These are hard times, but things won't always be this way.

[Virginia]

I understand now, Shelly. That is quite different from what I understood from your original post. I thought your struggle was like mine; dysphoria about my femininity when I am presenting female and dysphoria about my masculinity when I am presenting male. The middle is not an uncomfortable stage for me, not something to pass through. It is home.

I wish you peace in your journey.

Love,
Virginia