(triggery stuff below)
Alright, I'm going to post this here, since this is a trans board and I might be able to get...I dunno, better feedback?
In August, my wife cursed out a customer because they called her "sir", not trying to be rude, but the customer didn't realize she was female. The customer hit her, and my wife quit her job immediately.
I...stuffed my feelings of terror down and coped. I said nothing about this, because I didn't want her to get depressed and not go look for work.
She is starting a new job. For the past couple of weeks, now that the pressure's off, I've felt acutely suicidal.
Last night I figured out exactly why. I was hiding the depth of my terror from myself and from her so I could survive. I was having anxiety attacks, I was self-injuring(cutting), I was acting anorexia-like, I've had two med increases in a month...
It's because I felt like she put me through hell in what feels like a fairly casual fashion, because she was having an awful night at work. What I need to know is how accurate a perception that is from the perspective of a person who's post-op.And this isn't the first time she's blown off a job in whatever form or fashion... it's just the first time she's done so since a) I got sick in '02, and b) my mom bought a new house and can't really help us too much anymore.
I have really bad asthma...and I have a fear, somewhat irrational, of dying because I can't afford medicine.
Not totally irrational .
I'm uninsured, and since I got chronic sinusitis, I have to take A LOT of really expensive stuff to keep me breathing...right now being supplied by the county health service.
But because they jacked their fees sky-high before when I used to go to them back in the 90's, I don't consider them a 100% reliable source of affordable asthma medication.
So I'm afraid of the future, and I'm afraid all the time anyway. It's probably either an anxiety disorder, or part of my Post Traumtic Stress Disorder goodies... The county does not hand out tranquilizers, unfortunately.
So to keep from being immobilized by terror and feelings of betrayal when she did this... I stuffed those feelings...not even consciously...and I did what we needed me to do.
But I feel horribly betrayed, and I think I have every right to say to her:
This is the last time you're going to put me through this for something that's anything less than dire, and the last time you're going to do it unilaterally.
You need to have another job lined up before you quit this one, and do your best not to get fired...which if that means ass-kissing, well, I ass-kiss too to keep my job sometimes, and do incredibly boring and unpleasant things. I need you to do your best to keep a steady job.
Because if she pulls something like this again for a reason less than dire, I'm going to ask her to move in with her Mom.
I love her and trust her more than any other person on the planet...I feel horribly betrayed...and I think being alone would be less terrifying and painful than having random crises dropped into my lap like this all the time.
We've been together for 8 years, she's been through 6 jobs, gotten fired because she stopped doing her job at some of them...another one she got fired because she told off a supervisor.
Every time I've been very anxious, but this has been just torture for me.
So she may decide she can't handle that when we talk tonight...and if that's her choice, then she's going to have to save up some money and move out as soon as she can.
And that breaks my heart.
