There isn't really a "Just for Us" spirituality section on this board so I figure this is the best place to post this. This will be sensitive and I'd appreciate others using appropriate sensitivities when responding.
Up until about 8 months ago my GID was a constant problem. I managed it fairly well, but I would have spells where it would go out of control and I'd fall into depression for a week or two. I have a very clear understanding of how mine operates and what it takes to keep it at bay which is important considering the fact that I don't intend to transition. 8 months ago I decided to undertake an experiment and started taking estrogen again. For reasons beyond my medical and psychological understanding, my GID subsided almost completely. Even the low hum in the back of my brain constantly reminding me there was something wrong with my body and I wasn't supposed to be male was silent. My wife and I were ecstatic - but I couldn't have possibly seen the implications.
With my GID dormant, I started to feel... normal. I don't know how else to call it. I didn't realize just how MUCH of my mental faculties were occupied with my GID all the time. So much so the relief of such gave me incredible clarity and focus that I have just not had access to anymore. Those of you who know me, know I love to analyze things.
So things were going well as far as my GID went, but another aspect of my life began to fall apart and that is what this thread is about.
Once my GID subsided I was able to focus on other things - specifically my church (as as many of you know, I am LDS/Mormon). I felt like my new freedom would allow me to be more active at church because I wouldn't feel so much anxiety on being more fully invested in their activities. But what I expected didn't happen.
The more I went to church the more I saw and could feel how much I disdained the gender role separation. Don't get me wrong - I've always disliked it, but I assumed most of my problem with it was related to my GID. Now that the GID wasn't prominent, I realized the feelings I had about the gender role definitions were still there. I turned my microscope away from my GID and toward my religion.
To finish up this already lengthy post, what I found in my study is that the church, my once solace in this world of confusion, my original anchor against a growing tide of depression brought on by GID, was acting as the single greatest trigger of my GID.
I have not been in 6 months. I am not longer taking my estrogen, but my GID is barely audible. My wife has noticed a difference - I seem more at ease. It seems despite my attempts to bring into line all of my triggers, I left the largest one there to taunt me.
I don't know what this means - am I no longer a Mormon, do I no longer have a faith? Those are questions I still have to answer, but I do know that going to church provokes my gender dysphoria in a very real, intense, and invasive way due to its doctrines and culture involving the separation of gender roles and the implication that I, being male, have to conform to the male stereotypes.
I wrote this to put it out there to people know and perhaps can offer comfort or guidance. Many people have some very negative feelings about my church - I don't blame them, but I ask that this thread not be not the place for more LDS bashing. This thread is about me discovering that what was once one of the great sources of strength in my life has turned out to be a hidden pillar of disease - something that was always keeping me sick and the implications of such a revelation.
