I've fallen for a TS woman

[WendyWinters]

This question could be posted in any public group. The answer is the same and it doesn't matter what gender the individuals happen to be.

[regan]

My new friend makes me feel loved and important which is something that i have not felt in my marriage for many years.

Of course she does, becuase its a new relationship, its fresh and its exciting.  She won't fart in front of you anymore then you'd leave your dirty drawers on her bathroom floor.  Its not real!  Your wife and her husband are old hat compared to the two of you.  Studies suggest people are only "in love" for about 18 months, after that they stay together becuase they're used to eachother.  Your married relationship is loveless and unimportant, what have you done to change the situation?  I mean other then cheat on your wife...

[cynthialee]

Of course she does, becuase its a new relationship, its fresh and its exciting.  She won't fart in front of you anymore then you'd leave your dirty drawers on her bathroom floor.  Its not real!  Your wife and her husband are old hat compared to the two of you.  Studies suggest people are only "in love" for about 18 months, after that they stay together becuase they're used to eachother.  Your married relationship is loveless and unimportant, what have you done to change the situation?  I mean other then cheat on your wife...

If that is the case then how do they account for couples like Sevan and I who are still madly in love many years after we first mated?
We were in honnymoon state for about 3 years before we cooled down a hair.

[ToriJo]

Hi everyone,
i'm a 51 year old married man who has met a transsexual woman online, she is also married, but things are starting to get serious between us.

Yuck.  Divorce first, find mate second.  Both of you.  Unless both spouses know what is going on.  This is part of living an honest life.

But others have already said that.

We've met a few times now and managed to have one night together when we made love like i have never known before.  It's difficult and we dont want to hurt our partners but our feelings are getting stronger for each other.

If you don't want to hurt your partners any more than you already have (your partners just don't know they've been hurt yet), it's time to come clean and deal with the repercussions.  I would be hurt if my wife cheated.  She would be hurt if I cheated.  It's pretty simple there.  If your partners aren't important enough for you to come clean and deal with the obligations you have, and your desire for your lover is greater than your desire to not hurt your partner, then...well, just be honest there.

A few months back I knew nothing of transgender issues and if i was asked i would have recoiled in horror at the suggestion of entering a relationship with a mtf woman. Not now. I am totally besotted with my beautiful friend.
If things continue at the rate they are going we will face difficult life changing decisions.
What would i be letting myself in for ? How would my children react, parents etc ? This would be the hardest thing I could imagine but the benefits would surely outweigh the prejudices i would face, wouldnt they ?

I don't know.  What I do know is that when I married my wife, nothing would have stopped me from doing so, and it is a decision I don't regret one bit.  In fact, deciding to marry her was the *easiest* decision I ever made in my life.

You also mention children...I don't know how old the children are, but likely seeing Dad dump Mom for someone else (trans or not) that he was cheating on Mom with would probably result in a negative reaction.  You and they either will deal with it or not, but you shouldn't try having it both ways here either.

As for being a partner of someone who doesn't fit society's expectations perfectly, there is prejudice out there, certainly, and my wife and I definitely have strained relationships with the parents on both sides.  But something in the way you describe your situation and respond to things "raises flags" in my eyes:

(1) Her surgery is a big deal to you, because it's the thing that, in your own words, will make this "the hardest thing you can imagine".  That makes me wonder if she is, in your mind, the same person that she is in her mind.

(2) Whether or not the sex was good does not seem to have any direct connection to the rest of your message, but you seem to have mentioned it for a reason.  It seems irrelevant to me unless that's a primary motivator.

I won't tell you whether or not you should stay with your wife or divorce and go with your lover, as that's not really any of my business.  But I don't think you should sit in the middle.  Either go with the new or go with the old, but don't try to "spare" your current wife and have it both ways (and certainly don't hurt her while claiming you are only living a double life because you care for your wife).  I also think you should be careful about what you're doing, and run as fast as you can away from your lover if you start getting ideas that you are really doing a tough thing by loving her (or, even worse, that you are a good person because you can love her despite [whatever thing here]).

That said, if you quit living the double life, truly do love her, I'd say to go where your heart leads you and not worry about other people, other than, perhaps, your kids (depending upon their age - if they are not yet adults, I'd say you should absolutely be concerned).  I don't think it is any different than any other relationship - all relationships have times when things aren't easy/perfect/etc.  But if you see this one as particularly non-easy, non-perfect, or whatever else, then it's probably not right.

[annette]

if you marry a person you would like to stay with her for the rest of your life, nut, it don't always works out that way.
of course you can fall in love with another person and sometimes love between you and your partner is over.
There is nothing you cab do about it, but, the woman you live with for so many years deserve respect and honesty.
when you're sneaky having an affair with someone else Tg or not, you don't give her the respect she deserves, isn't it?
some marriages have an expiration date, but it would be more gentlemanlike to be honest about it with your wife, don't you think?
suppose, it will be the other way around, your wife is having an affair and you don't know, you should be hurt when you find out.
So eb honest, to yourselve, to your wife and to the other woman, it will save a lot of trouble.

annette

[ponty]

This one was always going to be difficult and a few of you will probably be thinking well it serves him right but it looks like it's all ending in tears. My friend was honest to her wife, told her everything and not surprisingly it didnt go well, but they have decided to try and make a go of things. As a result I am history. I am devastated, I was preparing to make life changing decisions but it wasnt to be. I wish them both all the best, i know there has been alot of hurt with them, there is a lot of hurt with me and i suppose a lesson should be learnt somewhere along the line. I miss her like crazy. I guess it wasnt to be. Ok , so I am feeling sorry for myself and thinking what I have lost but I honestly am thinking of my friend more than anything, I know she is hurting at losing me but she is also hurting for the pain she has caused in her home. She has been hit both ways whereas in my own cowardly way I managed to keep this from my wife who is blissfully unaware of what has been happening. She will serve me Christmas dinner without the slighest suspicion that I was prepared to upsticks and walk.

You dont need to tell me, I know what I am.

[Colleen Ireland]

You dont need to tell me, I know what I am.

You COULD choose to be something else.  All it takes is some courage.  Wouldn't it be better to live an honorable life in the knowledge you have nothing to hide, than to spend the rest of your days both hoping this doesn't come out, and also feeling dead inside?

[ponty]

The thing is I wouldnt have minded if it had have come out. That's when i knew how important she was to me as nothing else mattered. I am dead inside.

[spacial]

ponty.

The feelings of most of us here in relation to honesty are a matter of record.

But I hope you will believe me when I say to you I feel for you and your heart break.

You have been good enough to describe some of the frustrations in your life and relationships. The best advice that can be give now is to put this behind you and try to figure out where you go from here.

Can you rebuild your relationship with your wife?

Do you have other options?

Whatever you dcide, I wish you well and success. Take care ponty. God Bless.

[Amazon D]

If you tell what will your wife gain? That is the question! If you do not tell you can start changing towards her and show more love or you should just maybe leave and just go because you have much to learn about yourself. Telling her might make you feel better about yourself but telling her especially when you have been dumped doesn't bode well for your telling her. It makes her feel like she got stuck with you and well that isn't very good for her self. I can't say what to do but if i had these feelings i would surely search my self as a single person and not as one having another in the ready for self security. When you can be alone and love yourself you will have love to share.

[CaitJ]

Here's a place you can go hang out with other dudes like yourself:
http://transoriented.com/

[tekla]

The feelings of most of us here in relation to honesty are a matter of record.

Byzantine record.

[cynthialee]

....Even though it was wrong of you I know it hurts.

[ponty]

Here's a place you can go hang out with other dudes like yourself:
http://transoriented.com/

You've missed the point. I fell in love with the person because of who she was and what she meant and did to me. I didnt fall for her because she was TS. By knowing her and loving her I do feel it has made me a better and more understanding person and I know that is because she is TS.
Thanks for the link but its not what i'm looking for. I wasnt looking for anything when we found each other, but as they say, it just happened.

[ponty]

You've missed the point. I fell in love with the person because of who she was and what she meant and did to me. I didnt fall for her because she was TS. By knowing her and loving her I do feel it has made me a better and more understanding person and I know that is because she is TS.
Thanks for the link but its not what i'm looking for. I wasnt looking for anything when we found each other, but as they say, it just happened.

Actually Cait, I apologise, there is some interesting stuff on there, I thought it wassomething else lol. Thank you.

[regan]

in my own cowardly way I managed to keep this from my wife who is blissfully unaware of what has been happening. She will serve me Christmas dinner without the slighest suspicion that I was prepared to upsticks and walk.

If you really love your wife, you need to tell her or acknowledge the fact that the next time something requiring a degree of truth out of you comes along you'll probably lie about that too.  I suspect this will probably happen again and the more you lie to your wife, the more you will become accustomed to lieing to her.  Actually now that I think about it, she wouldn't be the first wife to get a phone call "from a friend".  Can you be so sure she won't find out about it anyways?  If nothing else, you've now set a threshhold for yourself to call it quits.

You're still playing a dangerous game if you ask me.

[spacial]

Sorry, but I'm going to completely disagree with regan here.

Since the affair is now over, put it behind you and get on with your life. Telling your wife now will hurt her and probably cause her to seek revenge. That, is actually, perfectly normal with this sort of thing. It hurts like mad and tends to incite revenge.

So, don't say anything to your wife at all.

You might suffer a bit. But treat that as your chastisement. Your wife doesn't deserve to be hurt.

[cynthialee]

I agree with Spacial.
Say nothing.
Clean up your act and keep it that way.
Telling her is not a good idea.

You do need to get into counsiling. Probably as a couple is a good idea.

[tekla]

You're still playing a dangerous game if you ask me.

That's pretty much the reason people play it, not for the sex (which is good) but for the danger, which is awesome.  It's the extreme sports version of interpersonal relations.

[ponty]

Thanks again everyone, you really have been an immense help to me.
I have had a long conversation with my "ex" tonight, her name is Paula, it was a lovely conversation that i described as bitter sweet. She is giving it her best shot again with her wife after a good few years of a loveless relationship. I am genuinely pleased that they have managed to rediscover their love for each other. Paula's happiness means more to me than my own at the moment and i have wished her the very best for the future. I would have loved to have moved into the new year with her by my side, i was prepared to move out to be with her. She has probably got a more sensible head than me , i'll miss her like crazy but at least i have the memories of the short time we were together.
I'm not going to tell my wife, ( is that cowardly or sensible ? ) but I have promised Paula i will give it my best shot at recovering what we previously had here. Paula managed it in her relationship and that has given me the encouragement that maybe we can do it here too.
Thanks again, you're a good bunch on here, Merry Christmas to you all and a Happy New Year