"i am a woman" or "i want to be a woman"

[lucaluca]

thanks for all your answers
and special thanks to marissak. i really like your answer 

[V M]

When I was a child I actually thought "I am a girl" and that I'd grow up to be like my mom... I was completely crushed when my mom and sisters pointed out that I was different

So then I went for several years with "I want to be a woman"... When I finally came to grips with it and decided to transition I returned to the "I am a woman" school of thought

It was more like "I am a woman dammit!!!" 

[My Name Is Ellie]

I started off as "I am a girl" but lately I've come to realise nothing is black and white and decided "I am an Ellie".

I've never thought "I want to be an x" because, quite honestly, who wants to be a transsexual? It's a horrible affliction!

[Janet_Girl]

I am a woman.  I am transitioning from the birth defect to my true body form.

[pebbles]

I said I want to be a woman... I can recognize that while my brain soul or whatever maybe feminized to the point that it's female and I recognize myself as a woman, My body was not and I can recognize that my body was a fully functional male one.

[K8]

I've always made the distinction between male/female and man/woman.  I saw that I was male but never believed that I was a man.  I thought that made me something in-between - both and neither male/female.  Because I had trouble trying to live as a man, I thought I would try living as a woman.  As the hormones worked on my body and psyche, and as my social role changed, I found that I really am a woman.  I used to be male and now am female.  I used to live as a man (even though I wasn't one) but now am a woman.

I used to believe that gender was primarily a social construct.  Now that I am physically female and with female hormones in my system, I know that gender is a lot more complex than just a social constuct.  I am a woman regardless of my social role.

This may all seem like an exercise in semantics, but the distinctions are very meaningful to me.

- Kate

[Lee]

I never really associated myself with my body, and I didn't consider my gender until well into my teens.  I guess I don't really think of it as either "am" or "want to be" male.  It's more like my body just doesn't fit right, and it feels like a male one would. 

[alia]

I knew something was wrong. I felt that I was hiding something from myself, but I could never figure out what it was. Then I saw a transition video and immediately identified with the process. I then identified as transgender, and genderqueer. Soon thereafter, my research brain took over, and I assimilated as much knowledge on the subject as possible. I suspect that my brain is morphologically female, and has mapped certain parts of my body in ways that conflict with other "mapping" regions of the brain. I now still identify as transgender, and always will. I will live my life as female in the near future.

I have propriception in my genitals- they have been mapped by years of having them there. In other words, if I needed to touch my pecks, I'd know exactly where to find them, and my hand could grab them on command. Yet there is dysphoria- I feel that I should be a girl, and that I should have the parts of a girl. There has always been something distinctly uncomfortable about my chest area, and my penis/testes. I never though- "oh boy I want these gone" until I had fully identified as transgender.

Perhaps the parietal cortex maps the body during the endochrine cascade during week three of pregnancy- commonly cited as the mechanism for "sexing" the embryo, outliers of which cause sexual, gender, and orientation diversity in human beings- so that trans people have "maps" of what our bodies "should" be hard-wired into our awareness. Then, we develop as human beings that have certain parts- propriception develops, and we function somewhat normally in a strictly physical sense (the caveat being the great diversity in body sexual morphology and functionality).

Personally I've always felt "top heavy"... like my center of gravity should be lower than it is. My joints have always been insanely tight as well. I suspect that these things will change after a long while on HRT.

I most excitedly await the changes that will occur within my brain. To exist so long without the proper accompanying hormones. It will certainly be a relief when the correct ones take over.

[alia]

I started off as "I am a girl" but lately I've come to realise nothing is black and white and decided "I am an Ellie".

I love this. The uniqueness of the human experience.

[CaitJ]

I think 'I am a woman' is a bit of an arrogant statement to make when one hasn't lived as and been perceived as a cis woman for a decent length of time. 'I want to be a woman'  was far more accurate pre-transition, when the only experiences I'd had were cis male ones.

[annette]

Hi lucaluca
In my opinion it's not that difficult.
Your genderidentity is hiding between your ears, not your legs.
So, you're a woman without the nessecay female parts.
Does this make you not a woman?
I don't think so, coz there are woman born without ovaries or uterus, does this make them less woman?
No, the only difference is they are raised as a girl and we had the bad luck raised as a boy.
But the good news is, that doctors ar able to restore the fault of nature.
So I think you're not wanted to be a woman but you are a woman who needs medical attention.
If you where n't a woman you didn't need transition, isn't it?

I started with it isn't that difficult but now I've read it back it sonds quite difficult, anyway I hope you know what I mean.

love
ánnette

[Northern Jane]

I started fighting all this long before anybody had any idea what the hxll I was talking about and my childhood protest was "I am a girl, NOT a boy silly!" It took to age 8 for anybody to put a dent in that conviction and, in my teens, it became "I  AM a girl, I NEED to be a girl!" - a statement that was seen (at that time) as delusional, almost to the point of having me committed. I never did accept my body as anything but 'deformed female'. Having such a strong gender identity was no doubt a major factor in finding surgery and transitioning so early (1974). After SRS/transition I found out that I had been right all along. Nobody ever bought 'the boy act' but nobody gave me a second glance as a girl.

So, for me, I WAS a girl all along - it became perfectly clear in hindsight - and in the years since, I am just a woman - no asterisk, no "T", just a woman.

[regan]

I think 'I am a woman' is a bit of an arrogant statement to make when one hasn't lived as and been perceived as a cis woman for a decent length of time. 'I want to be a woman'  was far more accurate pre-transition, when the only experiences I'd had were cis male ones.

As much as I agree with what your saying, I would add that saying "I want to be a woman" endorses it a little too much as a choice.  Of course its a choice, a choice to live, love and be happy but ask the other letters (GLB) what happens when they phrase it as a choice and you get my point.

As for the term woman, my mom is a woman (she's 66) and I'm a bit old to run around calling myself a girl.  Its not about being a woman, for me at least, its about being a female, rather being female bodied.  I liked what the hormones did to my body, I like the kind of people that like those kind of bodies.  Everything thing else is just window dressing.

I don't need to prove myself to anyone.  I'm not doing this becuase I'm a woman or becuase I want to be a woman or even because I need to be a woman.  I'm tired of being alone, I'm tired of relationships that only confuse me even more.  I just want a chance at true, honest happiness.

[lucaluca]

I think 'I am a woman' is a bit of an arrogant statement to make when one hasn't lived as and been perceived as a cis woman for a decent length of time. 'I want to be a woman'  was far more accurate pre-transition, when the only experiences I'd had were cis male ones.

hmm... what i am thinking of is, how do you know that you are a female in the wrong body, so that you could say "i am a woman, but sadly with the body of a man". how do you know it? because we all live our own life and have no other to compare. you can't switch from your mind to the mind of your sister or female friend and say "ah okay, this is how it feels to be a woman (not phisically, just the mind of a woman). so how should someone know that he is a woman in a male body and not a male who wants a female body?
thats the reason why i postet the answer above... 
i hope you understand what i mean... i just try to sort some things out

[regan]

hmm... what i am thinking of is, how do you know that you are a female in the wrong body, so that you could say "i am a woman, but sadly with the body of a man". how do you know it? because we all live our own life and have no other to compare. you can't switch from your mind to the mind of your sister or female friend and say "ah okay, this is how it feels to be a woman (not phisically, just the mind of a woman). so how should someone know that he is a woman in a male body and not a male who wants a female body?
thats the reason why i postet the answer above... 
i hope you understand what i mean... i just try to sort some things out

At a very basic level, non-transgendered people don't spend the time, energy and emotion we do on obsessing about their gender and the discomfort it brings them.  We all start from that point and determine our path from there.  So do you wake up one day and declare you are or want to be a woman?  I don't think so, but as you travel down your own pathway the answer reveals itself to you.  So, yes, its oversimplistic to say, still very visibily male, "I am a woman" or "I want to be a woman", but as you proceed in your journey it becomes the only answer.

For that matter, IRL its too complicated to say much else most of the time anways.

[Arch]

Circa late 1988/early 1989, upon reading the intro to the ONLY medical/professional book on FTMs:
"Omigosh, this is me. I'm a female-to-male transsexual."

Fifteen minutes later, upon reading the last two bulleted points in that intro, where it was written that transition does not improve these "women's" lives and that we are all mentally ill:
"Uh, I am a female cross dresser."

Early 1994, after a course in queer theory and a Leslie Feinberg lecture:
"That's it! I am transgender! Gender is constructed. I'm just a woman who wants to be a man. I don't need to transition. I can be happy like this. Really. (Oh, god.)"

Early 1994-early 1996:
Insomnia, more depression, and panic attacks. "Please, I don't want to be a transsexual. I am just transgender. I am just a girl. Really I am. Okay, a really really butch girl who thinks he, er, she is a boy and wants to be a gay man and live as a gay man and make love as a gay man...but I don't want to be a transsexual. I'm just a woman who wants to be a man. Please."

1996, after the insomnia, depression, and panic attacks had worn me down:
Started antidepressants. Refused therapy.

January 1998:
"I have to do something or I will die. I have to transition." Saw a gender specialist once at the LGBT center.

January 1998:
"I have to do something or I will die. I can't face transition." Back into the closet, but only partway. "I am transgender, not transsexual."

Late 2000/early 2001:
"I have to do something or I will die. This is literally killing me, from the inside out." Back into the closet. All the way. Complete denial.

2001-2008:
Death by degrees.

July 2008:
"I AM A GAY MAN."

August 2008:
Started therapy.

February 2009:
Started hormones.

Etc.

[Lee]

Glad you made it eventually Arch!

[Nikolai_S]

For me (circa age 12) it was more, "I am not a girl." Since I wasn't a girl, but I had a girl's body, I said "I want to be a boy." I was very literal, I wouldn't say "I am a boy" because I would need male genitals for that to be true. So instead I would say things like "I have a boy's mind, so I want to be a boy (physically)."

After too long of "I hate being a girl, I'm not meant to be a girl, this is WRONG," I moved on to, "Screw it, boobs or not I'm a boy. I'm a boy I'm a boy I'm a boy...."

That meant I was a boy stuck in a girl's body. Couldn't do anything about it. Didn't know about transition. I was just a boy who for the rest of my life would have to live as a girl. Cue "oh crap" moment. Had to go into denial to save my sanity. Therefore, "I want to be a boy, but I have a girl's body, therefore I'm a girl. I'm a girl I'm a girl...."

Chanting the same damn thing over and over just made me feel like crap until I found out about transition, snapped out of denial, and declared myself male. And it's the truth.

[Arch]

Glad you made it eventually Arch!

Thanks. I'm getting there.

[MissTina]

Am, am, am!!!

I think that much of my hurt and confusion both in the past and currently has stemmed from me trying to convince myself that I really WAS what the accident of my flesh told everyone around me that I am. Once I just accepted that I AM female, and not someone who "wanted" to be female, my hurt got a bit less. It helped me, at least, to realize that what I really wanted is for me to match inside and out. If that makes sense.

hugs,

--Tina