When I was young, like high school and 20's, the term killing rage would have been appropriate. White rage is the term that was generally thrown at me. I wouldn't have any recollection of the violence and general havoc that I had just created. I'd just wake up, people yelling at me or asking if I was all right. Other times, I knew perfectly well what I was doing. It was extreme, yet so tranquil at the time. It wasn't until later that the impact of it all would hit. I'd hit the bottle, and sleep it off.
But I learned to control a lot of it while in my 20's and 30's by just doing outrageous things that my friends wouldn't dare to do. Most all in fun with no harm to anyone except myself. I excepted the pain, I earned it. I wore it like a badge. It was my FU to everyone.
While that was all fun and not, I still have times of rage. I also have a safety net to catch me and let me down softly. Either by letting me do it, and or sometimes a little help from an injection or two.
Starting in a little over 3 wks, I'm hoping for enough of a change in my T levels that I will see or feel a difference. Low level stuff, but one of the determining factors of just where do I want my life to go from here. Sure, the lessening of the GD is first and foremost, but to get a dual relief from these? I may just want to be happy again. Always.
I always thought that the GID and a hormonal imbalance made me the person I'm perceived to be, and now finally my therapist believes this is true, too.
I lived in their hell, now help me find my way back out.
And they are going to finally help, instead of just giving me more or different meds that only control, but never fix anything.
I'm almost excited at the possibilities (I don't want to jinx it).
