Feeling kind of down

[jmaxley]

I didn't know whether to post this or not, but I've been trying my best to stay positive.  I'll try to keep it as short as possible.  My housing situation keeps going from bad to worst.  Lately someone has been vandalizing some of my stuff, I'm having to park my car elsewhere and walk to my apartment to keep it from being messed with.  The other day I caught the person doing it, one of the neighbor's kids, and there's been some confrontation.  I've applied for housing elsewhere and am on the waiting list, but it could be another one to three months before something opens up.

There's a possibility I could be evicted from the housing I'm in, and I have nowhere to go if that happens.  None of my friends have a place for me, my mom doesn't have a place for me.  The only extended family I've ever been somewhat close to, I called them and explained the situation.  They let me stay there before for a couple of months but suddenly I'm not trustworthy enough to stay at their place.  That was a bit of a blow to me.  If I am evicted, the most likely scenario is that I will have to live out of my car in the middle of winter (at least winters don't get too bad here).  My friends and family know this and yet, there's "no room at the inn".

I've gotten really tired of dealing with people over the trans thing, some of them being the mental health people I'm supposed to be seeing.  I'm sure my case manager's going to drop in soon, harassing me about not going to their "support" group...a lot of support it is when I get called he-she and it and made out to be some delusional freak.  I'm doing my best to keep from having a nervous breakdown.  I'm trying to keep the suicidal thoughts at bay and keep telling myself in another two months, once I move, it'll get better.

I don't know when I'll be able to afford transition and since I came out to my mom, I've started having doubts if I should.  I don't think it's possible for me to like being female but what if there is a way?  I worry about if I transition would I be able to fit in and be one of the guys.  People I know in real life keep telling me I'll really regret it.  I do have an effeminate side and I wonder if I'll still be able to express that side of me.  Sometimes I can't wait to go on T, but sometimes I'm terrified I could be making a huge mistake.  My mom is no help with this, most of the time she refuses to talk with me about it and anything she has to say is negative.  But I don't have the finances to do anything right now anyway, I'm just stuck in this limbo.

I don't know what to do and there's really nothing I can do right now about any of this.  Except just try to keep my head above the water until I can get out.  I really hope 2011 goes better than 2010 has.

[Jeh]

I'm sorry so much is going down. I hope something comes through and you don't have to live out of your car. I can't help with that stuff, but I know how you feel about wondering if you could express your effeminate side as a man.

For a while I was questioning transition because I was still an effeminate person and I thought that if I wasn't a manly man, I must just be a confused woman. Since then I've realized that I don't have to be a manly man. That's not me. I can be a girly man. I like musical theatre and talking to my cats in baby voices. That's not going to change, but that also doesn't make me less of a man.

[insideontheoutside]

That doesn't sound like a "support" group at all. Honestly, posting here is more of a support group than what you describe!

I don't have any really good advice on the family front. The way I am was always an "unspoken" thing with my parents ... and none of my other family members know what's up with me. For all intents and purposes they think I lead a normal life as a very tomboyish female. I really don't care what they all think, but that's just me. I don't really understand parents who can reject their own children because of who they really are inside. It's a really sad thing to me If I had a kid, I'd love them no matter happened. But again, that's just me. Either way, there's not a lot you can do about the family situation other than totally lying to them that you've changed your mind and aren't trans. Not a great idea either because that's not being true to yourself.

I think it is totally possible to just be an effeminate guy though. Even if there's still an "F" on your ID and your birth certificate. If you're still unsure whether you want to go through a medical transition, just try changing small things about your life and the way you think. That sort of thing kept me afloat many times.

[jmaxley]

I'm pretty sure I won't ever be a manly man.  I've identified as genderqueer for a long time.  I don't feel like a woman but I don't feel like a man either.  But I love being called sir and he, and I hate having a female body.  Being called m'am makes me feel so depressed (and I haven't been called sir in months).  But I like fashion, and I collect girls toys (though I also collect legos too).  I'm very much a geek, not into sports and stuff like that (though I've always liked weightlifting, even when I was a kid).  I worry about being super hairy (I hate body hair) and bald (it runs in my family).  I wonder, if you start going bald, and you stop taking T, if the hair will come back?  My brain runs so much better when my T levels are higher though, I'm not sure that I would ever want to go off T once I go on it.

The family bit...my family is really conservative Christian.  I had asked my mom not to tell anyone yet, but she went ahead anyway and told several family members. 

[xAndrewx]

Yikes man! I hope things start getting better for you soon. Sounds like a rough patch of everything happening at once (why does that always seem to happen?) First, stop listening to your mom about your transition. Well, listen if you want, but what I mean is the choice is your own so don't let anyone affect it. It's very easy for non trans/ non gender queer people to tell us not to do things because they don't have to live our life & feel that pain. You do, so do what it is you want.

Secondly, wow some support group. I wouldn't go either. I'm sorry some kid is giving you trouble so hopefully they get things sped up & get you in a new place soon. Do you really think that if you were living out of your car no one would let you stay somewhere? I'm sorry That just isn't family to me if they would let you be homeless. As for the bald thing I think once you loose the hair it's because the follicles are damaged so it won't grow back.

Best of wishes towards 2011 sir    I hope things get better for you. See now you have been called sir recently

[jmaxley]

Thanks man.  It does always seem like everything hits at once.  The family thing has been a pretty big shock; I mean, I knew there was the possibility, but still.  My mom would let me stay at her place, but my youngest sister lives there, she's a very vile person to be around and she hates my guts.  I can't stand being around her for even ten minutes.  I hope I don't get evicted (the agreement for me staying here is that I keep going to the stupid support group).  My mom's looked into some emergency housing but they're all full and it wouldn't work anyway because I have two cats.  I'm going to call around again this week to some low-income places and see if there's anything available.