Pre-existing emotional disorder diagnosis kind of have me worried.

[Victor]

OK, I currently do have an appointment set for a couple months from now to begin seeing a therapist, but one thing keeps crossing my mind, I am so worried they're going to say my discomfort with my physical gender is due to my pre-existing mental/emotional disorders, disorders that they've tried to medicate like crazy with only worsening results. I'm not on meds now, I more less told them to shove it after one of those stupid medications gave me a minor seizure, but my diagnosis is still on my health record, I'm diagnosed bi-polar and PTSD. I've read in some cases that one must be seen as clear of such disorders to be allowed to transition but the big issue is that those are disorders that really don't go away, my bi-polar I have under control, took me a lot of time and a lot of effort but it's under better control than any meds ever got it, my PTSD, well, that's harder to control, considering flashback and PTSD triggers don't listen to reason or logic, it just ends up a fight or flight reflex when it triggers and normally the fight instinct is what wins out.

I'm really worried about this, other times that I mentioned feeling like I was imprisoned in the wrong body when talking to other therapists in the past, grated they were not therapists who had experience with GID, blamed it on my disorders when frankly the PTSD is pretty unrelated to gender identity and is a result of long term abuse. The bi-polar, that's a chemical imbalance, something biological and meds didn't help, it only made it worse, I'll be honest, I quite like my manic stages, I actually have energy, can stay up 24 hours and get so much done, those manic stages are really efficient and productive periods for me. But none the less, a biological, chemical imbalance cannot be removed, only the effects of it controlled which I've learned how to do by identifying my triggers for the different swings.

The thing is it really worries me that they'll blame my transgenderedness on my disorders and try to stop me from transitioning fully. I know what I feel, I know what I've felt since my teen years, I know that this body doesn't suit me, it feels like a prison, like a torture device sometimes on an emotional level, I hate my body, even though I know I have a good looking body for a woman, that's just it, for a woman, no matter how well built and attractive it may be from the neck down, that's just it, it's a woman's body, I don't feel like it's mine, I know that I'm physically attached to it but it's not mine or at least not what mine should be. It's a prison to me, these boobs being stuck to me disgust me even though I like nice boobs on women, these hips bug the hell out of me even though I find nice hips attractive on others, I'm just, I hate, hate HATE admitting it, but I'm scared to death the therapist is going to blame my feeling imprisoned in this body on my disorders and refuse to sign the papers for me to transition, I'm scared that I'll be stuck in this body because of other factors beyond my control. I know it's going to be a challenge to fully transition, I know and accept that, but I'm scared that my disorders will just keep being blamed and thus me be denied what I know I need to do, what I know is right for me, what I know is the only way to stop feeling like a slave to this stupid body I'm stuck with. Of course if one denies me I'll go to another, or another, but what if it keeps happening, therapists have had such a habit of pushing off my issues on my disorders before, including when I brought the topic of not fitting my body and being a guy, mentally, in the past, though they were therapists without experience with transgendered people, but still, it's really worrying me, and I know there's so, so few therapists who are LGBT friendly to begin with where I live to begin with. I'm afraid I'll run out of options, there's only so many to turn me away down here, only so many I can go to. I'm just scared and don't know what to do, if those stupid disorders stop me from being able to fully transition, I just don't know what I'll be able to do.

Has anyone heard of people with such disorders actually being able to transition before? Or did mother nature give me one hell of a wicked curve ball with this that'll stop me from being happy? I guess that's what I'm trying to ask, this worry has my mind in shambles right now. All I know is that no matter what I cannot and will not give up, they can push me down as much as they want to, but I can't give up, I'd rather die fighting for what I need to do to be happy then live in this miserable state of being, I just don't know if my worry is well founded or if I'm getting all freaked out for nothing.

[gothique11]

I'm crazy as a bat and I didn't have much issues. It comes down to making sure you have a psych doc that understands GID as well as your mental health issues. Or, get two docs if needed, one for GID and one for the bipolar. The main concern  (for both you and the doctors) when transitioning is that you're mentally healthy as you transition. Being bipolar doesn't disqualify you from transitioning, SRS, or any of that.

[spacial]

The reason pre-existing conditions tend to preclude such things as transision is that, it has been found, some seek the likes of transision in a mistaken belief, to the point of dilusion, that all their problems will disappear.

It's a similar thing to people using alcohol and drugs. They use these to alter their mental state, beliveing this is relieving or dealing with their probems. In reality, they are diverting their attention away from those problems, while evident effects of them remains to others.

How this will affect your relationship with a therapist is impossible to say. But what I will say is that you should try.


It wouldn't surprise me if your mood swings are brought under control by transision. As for the post tramatic problems, that is a different matter.

Can you describe what brought on the PTSD?

[Victor]

Spacial: The PTSD was brought on by years of physical, emotional and mental abuse, attempted sexual abuse and, well, let's just say 30% of my body is scar tissue and I have joint and back injuries from it. Warning, going to get slightly detailed here, but I don't mind saying it because I have nothing to be ashamed of, I've not the one who did this to me.

My father was highly controlling, believing if he couldn't raise me to be the daughter he wanted that he'd beat me into it, any time I showed anything beside perfect, submissive obedience he'd attack me, degrade me, throw knives, dishes, tools, whatever was in his grasp at me, thankfully I was pretty good at ducking and dodging but still, there's a few time I ended up with a steak knife in my arm from blocking it, better it hit the arm than the face. He's degrade me if I refused to clean up after his messes, after all, he made the damned mess, I wasn't a maid but he expected me to act like one, like some damned slave and would beat me when I wouldn't listen to him. If I spoke in public I got yelled at, if I disagreed with him I got yelled at or hit, if I didn't act 'ladylike' (I f***ing HATE that word) I'd get attacked. I don't mean simple things like being whipped, I mean being punched wherever he could hit me, choked, thrown to the ground and stomped on, thrown out of a window once (Thankfully my back healed from that), chased down by him in his truck until I ducked into the woods or scrambled up a tree, had guns pointed at me so many times it isn't even funny, being locked outside at night in just my underwear, trying to sleep and being woken up by fists, beaten and verbally assaulted until 3am when I had to be up for school at 6, and they wondered why I fell asleep in class. Then getting beaten more because I was failing when I couldn't even stay awake in class. He refused to bring me to get medical attention for my injuries so, well, I guess I'm really lucky I avoided any broken bones, I don't know how I did but I did, or maybe some did get broken and I couldn't tell cause everything else hurt anyways, I honestly don't know there, I know my joints are permanently damaged from it all though. He attempted to rape me once but he didn't succeed, thankfully I was 16 at that time and not exactly tiny or weak, so I was able to incapacitate him, lucky hit I think, but it still worked. He kept making sexual comments towards me when I matured, that was just sickening, pissed me off to no end. That was my 'childhood', ->-bleeped-<- like that leaves some pretty deep scars, emotionally, physically and psychologically, that's what my PTSD is from, thankfully I know my triggers, hell, my hands shake just typing this but I've faced those memories many times before, so long as I don't focus on the vivid details I can handle it.

So, yea, my PTSD is pretty bad, a whole childhood like that will do that to a person, but I survived, it was hell but I survived, that's what's important, that's what I keep telling myself to keep myself pushing forward, after surviving that, there's not too much that I can't face, blessing and a curse maybe? Hell to go through and scars that still haunt me, but it gives me the strength to go one as well knowing that nothing I face is going to be worse than that. There's worse things out there, yea, but it's highly unlikely I'll meet up with anything worse than that hell. Basically, he wanted a submissive, obedient, traditionally stereotypical little girl but that's not what he got so he tried to beat me into being what he wanted, and it didn't work.

I've more or less come to terms with that past, but the disorder doesn't listen to reason, I still get some flashbacks but I've managed to control them to a point, I become a trembling, scatter brained, emotional wreak, but I don't fully out freak out and break down anymore, hey, it's progress. I have wondered about if transitioning would help my mood swings some, I mean, one of my triggers is when I start feeling/thinking about how I feel trapped, I feel defenseless and stuck and it spirals to depression, I think that's something I'll certainly have to keep active notes on during the process, to see what kind of effect it has on my mood swings.




Gothique11: Sounds like I may need to go the two docs route, though my disorders I've come to grips with, learned methods of coping, have them under control to a degree, it is likely I'll need help with them during the time of transition, or at the least to keep track of them during transition to see any improvements or worsening. I already tell people I'm half crazy, the other half I don't admit. . .yea, I know, bad joke.

[Nero]

I wouldn't think having endured an abusive childhood would have any effect on a GID diagnosis. Bi-polar, I don't know. I would just be ready to explain how the GID is separate, in case they ask. I bet there are transitioned people here with both those conditions.

[LordKAT]

I'm bipolar and I had no problem, I don't know why you would. I have one child bipolar on lithium and 2 with depression. It seems to run in families. PTSD my be a hang up but I don't know about that one.

[Victor]

I guess, maybe I'm just worrying too much, I kinda, tend to do that sometimes, I admit it. Hey, we're our own worst critics eh? I figure the PTSD won't likely effect it much, since it was caused by someone else, not me nor at birth, just hope they don't try to use it as a scapegoat. I think, right now it's that the worse possible scenarios are going through my head, don't know why, but I know with anything important this happens to me, seems to help me in the long run, because I come to accept what could happen and have a plan B in mind in case it does. Or maybe I just think too much, one or the other.

LordKAT,  if you were able to transition with Bi-polar then that's certainly a good thing, puts me at ease a bit as well. It does run in families, research has shown that trend, though it's not 100% confirmed there's enough studies to put it in the highly probable category, just so much about the disorder itself isn't yet understood, then again same can be said for multiple different disorders.

[spacial]

Thank you for being so open Victor. What you describe will certainly create the sort of conditions that are currently called PTSD.

You know you have mine and everyone else's here, full sympathy and support. So I won't get into that.

As for therapists, the key seems to be one of approach. If you can tell them that you take your father's abuse and his claims that he wanted you to be a female as demonstrating that he recognised you as male, then you have a position from which to start.

[CaitJ]

So long as you can convince the psychiatrist that your GID existed before the PTSD and is unrelated to the PTSD, you'll be fine.
However, I do know of at least one case where a person transitioned and was considering surgery, then stopped because they realised that their desire to be male was linked to sexual abuse as a child. It's rare, but it happens.
In saying all that, I'm all for ditching psych evaluations entirely. It's your mind and body, you should be able to do what you like with it. There's a dude who made himself look like a cat via cosmetic surgery and he didn't have to run the gauntlet of psychiatric assessments.

[kyril]

The main concern (of a competent professional with your best interests at heart) would be that you're currently stable, exercising good judgment, and understand your own feelings/motivations. You don't have to be in perfect mental health. I've been open about my depression and PTSD with both the therapist I saw and my doctor, and it took all of fifteen minutes talking about that for each of them to decide it wasn't a concern for treating me for GID. I do have an open invitation to come back and get help for the other issues when/if I feel it would be helpful.

[Victor]

In saying all that, I'm all for ditching psych evaluations entirely. It's your mind and body, you should be able to do what you like with it. There's a dude who made himself look like a cat via cosmetic surgery and he didn't have to run the gauntlet of psychiatric assessments.

Yea, and another who made himself look like a lizard. It kind of baffles me that they can do all kinds of cosmetic surgery for body mods, which don't get me wrong, is great, all for all forms of self expression so long as they don't harm others, but to change genders one has to have papers from a professional. Kinda a "Huh, what?" thing there as both actions are irreversible. If I were able to forgo the whole red tape mess with evaluations and the like I would, sadly though where I live is kinda, well, stuck up on process, especially when it comes to HRT and anything related to gender anything (my poor mother had to prove she was facing a life threatening situation to have a full hysterectomy done, that was 21 years ago, but still, it's like the dark ages here, well, with some things least), just hope they don't give me too much BS. . .then again a lot of this stems from minimal trust towards therapists but that's another story.



Spacial: Yea, I know some think they have PTSD when they don't so I understand that, I can get slightly suspicious of others who claim PTSD, specially when trying to get sympathy, course normally try to give benefit of a doubt there but it's hard to sometimes. Thus why I never expect sympathy for the past, like I said, I survived, that's what matters, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger ya know? And that is true, didn't think about it like that before, his aggression towards me began whenever I started rejecting the 'ladylike' things, just grew worse and worse over time when I wouldn't lie to myself to appease him. Thinking back on it, on the things he use to say, the things he disapproved of, what he kept telling me was expected of me due to the way I was born............I keep trying to think of a way to word what I want to say next but it just doesn't come to me, maybe I never actually correlated the connection due to forcing the details of those years to the back of my mind most of the time, not wanting to recall exactly what he said, thinking back on the details, I can recall him saying a few times, and do pardon the wording it was his words back then, not mine and I do apologize if they are rude, because honestly I know they're rude, because it make me feel like crap when he said it, but I recall him saying "I brought you into this world, I'll take you out of it if you become some kind of freak.", Maybe he actually was seeing me, personality wise, as more male when he wanted a daughter, not a son, I don't know, I can only speculate and I don't even want to hear his voice so I'm certainly not about to call him up and ask. Though, if that is the case then I have another thing to worry about, and that is if/when he finds out, he's tried to hunt me down before, even harassed friends by going to their doorsteps trying to find me even though I was an adult at the time and left the state to get away from him, thinking about it, this might get a little sticky, but I only have to worry about that if he gets wind of it and, well, my mother's side of the family and his aren't exactly on speaking terms so I know they won't out me, then again it's not like I'm exactly hiding my transition either, because I feel it's something I have no reason to be ashamed of, it's just part of what I have to do to be content with myself, no shame in that, then again I have always been a bit more brazen than most people so that likely plays a big part in that view on everything. Just hope he doesn't catch wind of it, though I know, sooner or later he will, knowing how my luck goes, just have to face that monster when it comes, wouldn't be the first time I've had to stand up to him or defend myself against him, sorry to tell him but I'm not afraid of him anymore, after all, I still have a few scars to pay him back for, if he does pull something stupid and try to come after me again, well, that's his choice, self defense is not illegal in this state. ..............I just went off on a tangent, didn't I? I do apologize for that, my trains of thought like to collide on me from time to time and it's hard to know where one ends and the next begins. Again, my apologies.




Kyril: Fifteen minutes? Seriously? Well that's certainly good news, so far, seeing that other disorders haven't hindered the transitions of others has, honestly, given me a bit of hope, to know I'm not the only one who's got other diagnosis (though logically I figured I wasn't, statistically speaking it was highly improbable that other's with similar mental issues had not gone through transition, but none the less, worry doesn't always listen to logic without some degree of confirmation) who's taken a path such as this, and that others have made it without being hindered by the other diagnosis, it certainly helps me to put my mind at ease a decent bit, I mean, I know the worry's still gonna be there until that appointment, but at least knowing such things haven't stopped others helps to quell the concern to a grand degree.

*looks at full post* Damn I'm too long winded for my own good sometimes, sorry bout that.

[spacial]

Spacial: Yea, I know some think they have PTSD when they don't so I understand that, I can get slightly suspicious of others who claim PTSD, specially when trying to get sympathy, course normally try to give benefit of a doubt there but it's hard to sometimes. Thus why I never expect sympathy for the past, like I said, I survived, that's what matters, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger ya know?

Victor. my dear love.

I am so very sorry if I left you with the impression that I doubted you have PTSD.

I made the comment: the sort of conditions that are currently called PTSD. because this is the current lable that is used.

I know you have PTSD. I also know the suffering you are going though.

There are a number of serious issues here, not least, being made to feel you are responsible.

You are not responsible. You didn't deserve that. No-one has any right to treat you or anyone like that.

Apologies for the emphasis, but I'm shouting it so the whole bloody world knows, and they should.

I siad I wouldn't get into any sort of pity or poor you situation because you and I both know that will just make you feel worse.

But I and almost everyone here would move heaven and hell if it would take away your pain. Sadly, though you didn'd ask for this and don't deserve it, the solution, as you know, is going to be a long hard road that you have to travel.

The best I can offer is to chum along with you.

[Victor]

Spacial: Don't worry, I didn't take any offense to it, I kinda, umm, typed my last post when I was going off 17 hours awake thus, I kinda went on a ramble, sorry if my wording made ya think I took any offense, I didn't, though now I'm typing after just waking up so my wording may be just as jumbled again.

But I do thank you for the support, it is gonna be a hard road, but nothing truly worth doing is easy, knowing I have support here, that's going to help ease the strain on me a lot, glad I stumbled onto this place, don't feel like I'm wonderin' around in a dark room anymore, specially after reading around a bit and after this thread.