Doubting and dealing with Mom

[jmaxley]

So many of my doubts have surfaced after telling my mom.  I'm really afraid I'll regret transition.  I'm afraid I'll go from one box to another, not able to express who I am.  I have far more freedom in expressing my masculine side as a female than I would have expressing my feminine side as a male.  I wonder too...Will I fit in as male?  Will I be able to be one of the guys?

I wonder sometimes if I might be FTA instead of FTM.  I've identified as genderqueer for awhile.  I'm definitely not a woman.  But I don't much identify with men either.  My social circle most of my life has been girls and women.  Maybe I would identify more with men if I had opportunity to hang out with them more.  I know I'm trans.  I don't feel like a woman.  But I don't feel like a man.  Am I man enough, I wonder, to be FTM.

The dysphoria eats at me though.  I can't stand my chest.  The thought of wearing a bra makes me sick.  I hate that people know that I have boobs.  It's humiliating.  Oddly, I don't hate the boobs themselves (though I have in the past), but I do hate that they're there.  That probably doesn't make much sense (I'm trying not to hate my body).  But I've dreamed about getting them removed most of the time that I've had them (before I even knew it was possible).

My mom tells me this is a phase, that I'll regret transition.  She's ashamed of me.  And I think it's because of that shame that I'm having doubts.  I had no doubts before I told her.  I was so stoked about going on T and getting top surgery.  I was really happy for the first time in a long time.  I've never been ashamed of being trans...until after I told my mom.  I wasn't prepared for that.

So I wonder, if I go through with the expense and pain of transition...will I be happier on the other side?  Will it be worth it?  I know life has no guarantees and I'm the only one who can answer that for me.  There's no easy answers.  No easy button.  My mom has already told me she can't accept this side of me.  She may never be able to.  She says she still loves me.  How can you love what you don't accept though?  I don't know how to deal with this aspect of transition.  Do I try to get her to talk about it or do I just let her ignore it, to be in denial about it as much as possible?  I've tried to give her information; she won't read it.  I've tried to tell her about some aspects of transition; suddenly she has to go, or she just sits there silently or changes the subject.  I hate that this is so hard for her, but this is something I can't help.  I don't think I can be happy as a female.  I've seriously thought lately about giving it another try but the thought of being a girl full-time makes me feel sick.  I wonder if there's any way at all to make peace with being female.

I didn't mean for this to be so long.  I hope it's coherant, I'm up kind of late.

[Al James]

I have put of transitioning until i'm 38- some of it was because i was scared, some of it was because of my mum. I hadnt had a rejection from her because i never told her but i was scared of her reaction. Now i'm at the stage where i can't put it off any longer, for my own sanity. I'm not sure she understands but shes trying to. Unfortunately one of the main things about transition seems to be that we stand the chance of losing people we love. But eventually most of us get to the point where we would risk losing everyone just to be ourselves. I have put in my twenty years of putting everyone elses feelings first- now its time for me

[sneakersjay]

Transition is no easy thing.  Deciding to transition is no easy thing.  Nobody knows how they will feel as transtion progresses.  Nobody can help another person decide if transtion is right for them, other than maybe a knowledgeable therapist.  As much as I hate gatekeeping, I do think that therapy is wise at any point in our lives when we need help making huge decisions that have permanent consequences.

There is no harm in waiting.  If you need to transition, eventually for many of us it gets to the point where transition, as tough as it is, is easier than NOT transitioning.  For me that delay took all of 2 months, LOL.  But then I do ID as male and was also older and had more of life's experiences in my birth gender to know for sure I did not want to grow old and die as that gender.


Jay

[jmaxley]

Unfortunately one of the main things about transition seems to be that we stand the chance of losing people we love.

This is one of the things I'm afraid of.  Some of my family (not just my mom) are already putting distance there.  That's been a bit of a blow to me.

But eventually most of us get to the point where we would risk losing everyone just to be ourselves. I have put in my twenty years of putting everyone elses feelings first- now its time for me

That's a good point.  I've always put my family first, sometimes (well, a lot of the time) at the expense of myself.

As much as I hate gatekeeping, I do think that therapy is wise at any point in our lives when we need help making huge decisions that have permanent consequences.

I definitely agree.  I found a really good therapist, but haven't been able to afford to go back for about four months now.  It'll be a couple of months before I can go back.  She actually thought going on T as soon as possible was the best thing I could do.  My mom wasn't happy to hear that. 

There is no harm in waiting.  If you need to transition, eventually for many of us it gets to the point where transition, as tough as it is, is easier than NOT transitioning.

I probably will one day.  If nothing else, when I have the money, I want top surgery...I need top surgery...even more than going on T.  I almost killed myself a couple of years ago, the dysphoria over my chest was so bad.  It's hard for me to even imagine growing old, I've stood at the edge of suicide for so many years (not just for the dysphoria, but other issues too).  But right now I don't have the funds to do anything about any of this, so I'm not sure why I'm stressing so much over the doubts. 

[jmaxley]

Been thinking some more (a dangerous thing, I know) and I think I'm overthinking some of this.  Since I can't do anything about it right now, I'm going to try as much as I can to focus elsewhere...mainly on getting as healthy as I can mentally and physically.  I'm going to try to get an appointment with my therapist asap, but that may still be a couple of months away, as I'm still paying on my bill.  I'm going to do my best not to worry right now.

There's a blog post by Matt Kailey that has helped me.  He talks about how early in transition, he didn't feel like the word "man" fit him, that he wasn't completely able to identify with men.  Then he says that his therapist suggested seeing himself as a transman and that that seemed to fit better for his own identity.  The article is really good but I don't know if it's okay to post a link here.

As for my mom, does anyone know the best way to proceed?  I haven't told her any of my doubts and don't plan to.  Should I let the subject drop completely?  Should I still try occasionally to get her to talk with me about it?

[Farm Boy]

So many of my doubts have surfaced after telling my mom.  I'm really afraid I'll regret transition.  I'm afraid I'll go from one box to another, not able to express who I am.  I have far more freedom in expressing my masculine side as a female than I would have expressing my feminine side as a male.  I wonder too...Will I fit in as male?  Will I be able to be one of the guys?

I've got to say first off that many of your posts sound like they could have been written by me.

It's for this exact reason that I've been hesitant in coming out to people: being pressured/made to doubt myself.  What I've actually found though is that the thought of people disagreeing with me and telling me I'm not a boy just irks me so, and makes me that much more sure of myself. 

Trying to keep the subject from being in the foreground of my thoughts (after learning the terms last year I thought about and researched it obsessively) and just seeing how much it pops up on its own has been helpful to me.  I've also been keeping a journal of sorts on my computer, writing down my thoughts (when I think of myself in the future, can I see myself as a girl?), making pros and cons lists, and writing down past events as I remember them that I'm now realizing were related to my GID.  (Wanting to wear a suit to church instead of a dress, wanting to be a boy scout and refusing girl scouts because it was "for girls!" etc.)  It helps me to get my thoughts in order and to be able to look at my "gender history" as my therapist calls it.  So, that's how I've been trying to decide if transition is right for me.

As for your mom?  I suppose it would really depend.  I've told my mom that I'm still questioning and she's been mostly Ok to leave it at that.  It might help to talk to your mom about your doubts, or it may not.  If you think it would just give her more ammunition against you, I probably wouldn't tell her myself. 

[Nero]

Just pointing out that I've known several men who had all women friends. Oddly enough (or maybe not so oddly), they were straight. Transition doesn't mean you have to change who you hang out with. You'll probably want to give the guys a chance, but you're not going to suddenly be stuck in a new social circle.

[jmaxley]

Yeah, it would definitely give her more ammunition to use against me.  She likes to insist that all this is a phase or severe mental illness.  I had been so happy about the thought of transitioning, but knowing how it's upset her just takes the joy out of it for me.  She's tried to make me feel guilty (she's very good at that).  She outed me to several family members, even though I asked her not to say anything yet.  Somehow I feel like she did it to get back at me but maybe I'm being paranoid.  It was the tone of her voice when she told me that makes me think that and the way she kept refusing to tell me what she said and when she finally did tell me, she'd made it sound like I was delusional.  But she did seem to get some satisfaction out of me being upset about it.  Which makes me think I shouldn't care if she gets upset about it but I do.  That's just the kind of person I am, I hate to see people suffering.

I've gotten a lot of flack from people around me about wanting to transition.  I'm trying to ignore it.  They don't have to live in my body.  I have almost no support IRL.  I'm horrible about making decisions, though; I'm very Libra in that sense.  Even the smallest decisions I agonize over.   

I need to get back to journaling.  The "gender history" is a great idea.

[jmaxley]

Just pointing out that I've known several men who had all women friends. Oddly enough (or maybe not so oddly), they were straight. Transition doesn't mean you have to change who you hang out with. You'll probably want to give the guys a chance, but you're not going to suddenly be stuck in a new social circle.

That's good to know.  I'm still getting used to socializing as a dude.  There's been some really awkward (and a couple of mortifying) moments.  For instance, the hitting fists thing is new to me.  I was talking to a dude the other night and he brought his fist up, then he was like, "Aw, dude, don't leave me hanging."  It took me a moment to figure out what he was talking about.    Then this summer, I was at the beach talking to a guy, and he was like, "Dude, check out that chick over there."  And I giggled.  *facepalm* *facepalm* *facepalm* *facepalm* *facepalm*

[Nero]

That's good to know.  I'm still getting used to socializing as a dude.  There's been some really awkward (and a couple of mortifying) moments.  For instance, the hitting fists thing is new to me.  I was talking to a dude the other night and he brought his fist up, then he was like, "Aw, dude, don't leave me hanging."  It took me a moment to figure out what he was talking about.    Then this summer, I was at the beach talking to a guy, and he was like, "Dude, check out that chick over there."  And I giggled.  *facepalm* *facepalm* *facepalm* *facepalm* *facepalm*

lol was she giggle worthy? 

[jmaxley]

Yes!  She had just started taking her clothes off.  Not that I noticed.   

[Farm Boy]

I'm sorry you haven't got people IRL to talk to, but that's what we're here for!  I feel your pain about agonizing over every decision, too.  My star sign is completely wrong for me, but I was born on a cusp, so...   That's funny about the awkward moments; makes me wonder what I may have in store...  lol

[sneakersjay]

Even in the best of circumstances with wholly supportive families we get flack. Why? Because they love us and don't want us to eff up our lives.  They want to make sure that we are sure, that we're not harming ourselves by taking hormones and having surgery, etc.  I dont' think a trans person exists whose family 100% embraced the news that they were transitioning without any questions, naysaying, or what have you.

I'd say that many of us had families that said and did things when first learning the news that hurt us, made us question why we came out, and may have made us want to slink back into the closet.  But many of us also have families who came around, who supported and still support us.

For a lot of people it means educating themselves on something they really don't want to think about.  Heck, I went through the same process and it was MY life!  I went from the privileged position of straight white women (yes, I know people will argue that women aren't privileged) to gay male.  First off, I had NO connection whatsoever to the GLBT community.  At all.  Other than having acquaintances who were gay or lesbian, none were in my close circle of friends.  Call me clueless.  And then, my views of trans people were totally warped based on the media when I grew up.  Freaks!!

I had to educate MYSELF before I could transition.  Now, not only am I trans, I'm gay, and a member of a group that traditional values people would call sexual deviants (never minding the fact that I'm celibate!).

So yeah, it is a lot for family to digest.  Hang in there.

Jay

[regan]

I think so many people approach transition like someone trying to defuse a bomb.  There is no ticking clock and nothing's going to blow up if you cut the wrong wire.  Try taking things in steps, or rather, find a safe space to define yourself, allowing for stops along the way.  Gender is not as binary as it used to be, maybe FtA works for you, maybe its not enough - but try it and see.  You won't regret a full transition if you tried other intermediate steps along the way and knew they weren't for you.

[jmaxley]

So yeah, it is a lot for family to digest.  Hang in there.

Jay

Thanks man.  I didn't have any lgbt connections until recently.  Sometimes it just feels like I'm swimming upstream.  I'm trying to reach out to more people but with severe social anxiety it makes it really difficult.

I think so many people approach transition like someone trying to defuse a bomb.  There is no ticking clock and nothing's going to blow up if you cut the wrong wire.  Try taking things in steps, or rather, find a safe space to define yourself, allowing for stops along the way.  Gender is not as binary as it used to be, maybe FtA works for you, maybe its not enough - but try it and see.  You won't regret a full transition if you tried other intermediate steps along the way and knew they weren't for you.

Good advice.  I'll keep it in mind and try not to worry so much.